Tony Bennett to UCLA: No way!

uva coach tony bennettMemo to the folks at UCLA: Tony Bennett Basketball is boring, with a capital B.

I mean, look at that guy over there, smiling at you. Looks like he just won the Pinewood Derby.

The edgiest thing about Tony Bennett: he drinks whole milk. Because, if God had wanted you to drink skim, it would come out that way.

I wish I was making this up.

(I may be making this up.)

Point is, there’s nothing glamorous about Tony Bennett.

Kim and Kanye, for example: won’t ever come to your games again.

If they do now. I have no idea if Kim and Kanye have ever been to a UCLA game.

(I just assume they’re there all the time. Being LA people.)

Anyway, if they were ever thinking about it, you can guarantee they won’t be once they hear that the guy who sang the song with Lady Gaga is coming to town.

(I also assume they’re not that bright.)

So: no Kim, no Kanye.

At best, we’re talking Carrot Top, maybe Ian Ziering, once you hire Tony.

(Who am I kidding, Ian Ziering? You’ll be lucky to get Stacey Dash at your games.)

More importantly: you can kiss your dreams of landing blue-chip recruits goodbye.

One-and-dones don’t want to play defense, motion offense.

Boring!

They want to shoot the ball 25 times and throw down alley-oops every other trip down the court.

Tony’ll have ‘em running off endless screens shooting teardrops, floaters and set-shot threes.

Get used to a roster full of two- and three-star kids throwing chest passes like they’re in gym class, hard-hedging on pick-and-rolls.

Your leading scorer will average 13.3 points per game.

He may or may not be able to dunk a basketball. Seriously.

The score every game will be 54-47.

Your fans will have to learn to go crazy over shot-clock violations.

You’ll all have to buy annual subscriptions to KenPom.com, and get into endless arguments with rival fans about adjusted defensive efficiency, and how cool it is to be ranked 353rd nationally in tempo.

This is what we do here in Virginia for fun in the winter.

Plus, and I’m sure you’re aware of this: UMBC.

That actually happened.

(I was there.)

You just fired a coach who lost to Liberty. Liberty would clean the floor with UMBC.

The 40-and-overs at your health club would clean the floor with UMBC.

You don’t want Tony.

Rick Pitino is available. He looks like Al Pacino. Jack Nicholson would be a super fan.

That’s who you want.

Please.

Column by Chris Graham

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