We can start with the obvious. The biggest losers at WWE Fastlane were those of us who spent three hours fighting spotty broadcast signals and common sense to watch.
It was so bad that it’s beyond being righteously indignant at how bad it was.
Because we all knew it was going to be bad. And it was, somehow, actually worse.
WINNER: Roman Reigns will main event WrestleMania 32
I feel bad for Reigns, who two years ago seemed destined to be the breakout star from The Shield, ended up on the shelf for several months after having hernia surgery, and has not since been able to reconnect with WWE fans.
Every time the latest Chosen One gets a push, it’s met not with indifference, but XPac Heat so severe that we may have to rename it Roman Reigns Heat.
It’s time for WWE to go ahead and turn Reigns heel so that fans may actually start to cheer him.
LOSER: Former WWE champ Brock Lesnar does … what now?
Backstage rumor has it that Lesnar is next to feud with Braun Strowman.
Please, God, no, anything but that.
He was the MVP of Fastlane, for what it’s worth. Innumerable suplexes of Reigns and Dean Ambrose, and he took two table powerbombs.
MATCH OF THE NIGHT: A.J. Styles vs. Chris Jericho
Jericho did his job, again, putting over Styles for the WWE Universe. We got to see a Styles Clash on a pay-per-view for the first time, though we also saw Jericho kick out of a Styles Clash, so we can presume that the Styles Clash isn’t going to be a finisher for Styles.
Good match nonetheless. We can only hope that Styles is being groomed for a big push after WrestleMania 32.
Imagine … a Styles feud with Seth Rollins for the WWE title.
WTF? R-Truth/Social Outcasts and New Day/League of Nations segments
So we were watching a pay-per-view, and an episode of Superstars breaks out.
First, we get what was essentially an infomercial for the debut of the new Edge and Christian show, which is fine, but using it as a backdrop to set up a feud between New Day and League of Nations … why?
OK, I get that, but … New Day/League of Nations? (Anybody and League of Nations?)
Then, next segment, the Social Outcasts come out, and R-Truth follows, and we get R-Truth against Curtis Axel. And another silly failed run-in by Goldust costing R-Truth a win.
As if R-Truth has a lot of those lately. As in, the past five years.
JOBBERS AGAIN: Wyatt Family
We have Road Dogg tweeting at us to tell us that wins and losses don’t matter. Gotcha. The Wyatt Family, monsters though we’re being sold on them being, can’t beat an ad hoc six-man tag team of Ryback, Big Show and Kane.
And yet we’re going to be asked to care about them again tomorrow night, this weekend at house shows, next week, and at ‘Mania.
Memo to WWE creative: you got a good thing in Bray Wyatt, and you don’t know what to do with it, that’s obvious.
RELEGATED TO THE FIRST HOUR: Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler
The runner-up in the Match of the Year voting here, and again these guys are stuck in the first hour of a pay-per-view.
The best three wrestlers, the best three performers, in the company are these guys and A.J. Styles.
Sure, go ahead, bury them.
RELEGATED TO THE PRE-SHOW … AND JOBBING: Alberto Del Rio
Why did WWE hire Alberto Del Rio away from Mexico again?
WWE booked him to win the U.S. title from John Cena in a clean fall before sending Cena off to film his new TV show, and now Del Rio is not only Kalisto’s bee-yatch, he can’t even get on the main show for this abomination of a pay-per-view.
Maybe Titus O’Neil got the better end of the deal getting suspended for 60 days.
– Review by Chris Graham