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Chris Graham: What you won’t hear The Donald say

“Yeah, OK. I was talking out of my ass there. What? You thought I was serious? I don’t believe half the crap that I say. I just like the sound of my voice.”

“Honestly, I don’t remember saying anything about Obama being born … I mean, who cares where he was born? What I can’t get over is … he actually requested his birth certificate because I said something about where he was born?”

“Seriously, I said I had investigators looking into that? That’s pretty good. Investigators? And you bought that? A sucker born every minute.”

“I was bored. That TV show isn’t doing much for me anymore. OK, yeah, even I couldn’t afford to buy that much prime time. And did I mention how much I love the sound of my voice? You’re fired! Gives me goosebumps, and I’m The Friggin’ Donald! Even so. Been there, done that. On to bigger things.”

“I was only dicking around about running for president. Until Obama – can you believe he actually requested his birth certificate because of something that I said? That’s just unbelievable. I might have to run for president now just to see what else I can get him to do. Hey, Barack, I’ve got investigators looking into whether or not you actually went to Harvard. I’m hearing that your transcripts are … missing. Ba-hahahaha!”

“I’ve got another one. Hey, Barack, I’m hearing that you’re really not a Muslim, that your father wasn’t even from Kenya. I’ve got people looking into it. Why in the hell would you fake being from Kenya?”

“You kidding me? Run for president? One, I have to disclose my financials. No way I’m doing that. Two, what do they pay you to be president? A couple hundred thousand a year? I don’t get out of bed to take a shit for less than two hundred thou. Three, it’s my understanding that … wait a minute. Obama really requested his birth certificate because of me? I am Da Man!”

“Remember when Obama supposedly made that three-pointer on that campaign visit to troops back in ’08? I have it on good authority that his right foot was on the line. I’ve got a million of these. Bada bing.”

“OK, OK, I admit it. It really is one hair wrapped around and around. It’s about 12 feet long when you straighten it out. All the money in the frickin’ world, and I’m a chrome dome!”

More columns at TheWorldAccordingToChrisGraham.com.