If only it could be this way …

Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

Why is it that when we sweat, we smell like pigs?

You’d think if all this stuff about evolution was on the money, we’d have figured out a way as we evolved to sweat vanilla creme.

Wouldn’t you?

And while we’re on that point, why is it that we don’t have our top scientists working on a way to mass-produce cheesecake that actually makes you lose weight?

I can see it now …

Ugh – I’m pretty much stuffed, but I have to finish this piece of cheesecake. I’m really trying to drop another 10 pounds before my high-school reunion, and this is my only hope.

We could have … reality TV that we have to watch in order to get smarter.

You know, instead of that crap on the Discovery Channel or History Channel that goes on and on and on about historical figures and scientific discoveries and blah blah blah blah.

“The Donald’s about to fire somebody! And I’m about to qualify for Mensa!”

Or how about … elections that we actually care about?

And we all know what that means …

“If you want to vote for John McCain for president, dial 1-888-MCCAIN123. Coming up, we have Hillary Clinton here live on ‘White House Idol.’ ”

Elections by touch-tone phone would rock. Not to mention that we could get Clay Aiken or Kelly Clarkson to entertain us during the elimination shows on Wednesday nights while we were waiting to see who got voted off.

Why don’t things work this way?

I could do without having to take a shower twice a day.

“Dang, I’m starting to get a little rank. Looks like I’m going to have to go out and play two hours of basketball to vanilla up.”

And when it comes to salads …

“Yeah, they say that stuff’s bad for you. The greener the leaf, the deeper the fat roll. I read that in some medical journal.”

“I voted for Nader. Even though I think he’s only there because the producers sense ratings.”

If only it could be this way …

Chris Graham’s Stop the Presses column appears on this blog on Tuesdays and Fridays. For more on Chris Graham’s humor columns and other fiction writing, visit www.authorchrisgraham.com.