Column by Jim Bishop
This weakly EML (English as a Maltreated Language) experimentation generates considerable reader response, and I’m grateful.
But I’m never sure what response to make to those who tell me, “I read your column …” and that’s all they say. I guess that’s preferable to the person who told me, “I never miss your column.”
Speaking thereof, this tolerant tabloid (willing to carry my stuff in the first place) just carried an account of a local psychic who went out of business. I wonder if she saw that coming?
Her spouse is an x-ray technician; some people wondered what she saw in him.
One wonders why psychic people don’t routinely win the lottery.
Maybe that’s partially explained by this announcement I saw: “The monthly meeting of the Harrisonburg Clairvoyant Society has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.”
If I had any prognostication powers, I’d heed warnings to cease and desist this ethereal eruption immediately, but like the song sez, “Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread …”
Dorothy’s medical instructor was the Wizard of Gauze.
People can’t seem to agree on Global Warming because it’s a polar icing issue.
When the woman got paid for being in a study at the sleep clinic, she said it was her dream job.
Juneau Alaska? It’s up there next to Canada. Yukon see it on a map, so it’s not just an Aleutian (Rand-McNally, get lost!).
It takes only moments to go and get seconds but hours practice to take good minutes.
If you spend too long commuting every day, half your job is line dancing and brake dancing.
Hold the phone for these dangling conversations …
“He’s such a good speaker, I’d rather hear him speak than eat.” “Me, too. I sat next to him at the head table and heard him eat.”
“What’s the idea telling him I was stupid?” “You mean it’s a secret?”
“I got my good looks from my father.” “Oh, is he a plastic surgeon?”
“The doctor says I can’t play golf.” “Ah, he’s played with you too, huh?”
Q: What did the minister say to the underdressed layman? A: “No shoes, no shirt, no service.”
One real-estate agent said to another, “House it going?”
Never put all your begs in one ask-it.
I call our photocopier machine ‘Bob Marley’ because it keeps jammin’.
He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself. I later said I lost my sieve, but my story didn’t hold water.
Did you hear about the herb who was an all round great guy, did loads of charity work and was always there to help? He was a Tarragon of Virtue.
Two needles of different length will never see eye to eye. Sew?
One thing for certain – the price of gasoline is a crude awakening.
Thomas Edison proved that the road to success is paved with good inventions. As columnist Dave Berry observed, “Edison invented the phonograph so he could listen to his B.B. King records.”
No matter what happens, there’s always someone who knew it would.
The interviewer asks, “Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of jobs?” The job hunter replies, “I think so. I’ve had 12 different ones in the last six months.”
The interview responds, “For this job, we want someone who is responsible.” The job hunter responds, “That’s me. Everywhere I’ve worked, whenever something went wrong, I was responsible.”
Guess the best solution to all this is to become fireproof – be related to the boss.
When bungee jumping, never ask anyone to cut you some slack.
Cross an artist with a police officer, and you might get a brush with the law.
As much as I despise rap music, if I had to chose a favorite artist, it would be the Easter bunny; he’s really in to hip-hop.
If I drink a lot of Geritol, am I consuming a fossil fuel?
Does quality time mean giving each of your kids a Rolex?
Why did the student take 16 friends to the movies? The sign said, “Under 17 not admitted.”
Old cotton-pickers never die. They just bale out.
(And as Eli Whitney once said, “Keep your cotton-pickin’ hands off my gin”).
Police were called to a day care where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
The English teacher felt odd after being fired; it was post-grammatic stress disorder.
I was going to close with a rope joke, but think I’ll skip it in favor of this adverse (making a poem longer) reaction:
A young theologian named Fiddle Refused to accept his degree.
He said, “It’s bad enough being Fiddle Without being Fiddle, D.D.”
It could be verse. Before this raises any Rhettorical questions, I’ll Tara outa here – and be gone with the Schwinn.
Jim Bishop is the public-information officer at Eastern Mennonite University, an Equal Opportunity employer, and a regular contributor to The Augusta Free Press.
The syllabi of 640-816 as well as 642-552 is quite similar to that of 642-812 and other 642 series like 642-825 and 642-901. This is why it is usually advised that professionals should go for these certifications simultaneously. This holds true for 646-203 as well as 70-284.