If I look busy, I’m just confused. And if I smile a lot, it’s because I have no idea what’s going on (ignorance is bliss).
Having said this, I still believe it’s possible to teach this old dog new jokes, even though his bark is worse than his bite (my incisors are in danger of falling out).
I hope you’ll paws long enough to read this. C’mon, sit, stay. I wouldn’t hurt a flea, even though you might soon want to take a powder or crave pooched eggs (that’s a yolk, son!).
I heard of a dog that really liked cantaloupe and watermelon. He was a real melon collie, baby! Chihuahua on that for awhile.
I told my wife I feel like a dog some days. “I know,” she replied. “You come in with muddy feet, curl up on the sofa and wait to be fed.”
Since they started paying dog catchers by the pound, they’re feline the pinch.
The latest high fashion item for celebrity dogs is a cell phone – a little bluetooth unit embedded in their neckwear. Now Fifi will have a ring around the collar.
When I walk my dog I like to listen to Pooch-ini on my I-pawd.
I know, these puns just ain’t worth Jack, Russell. I mean, they really stink. No bull, dog . . .
I’ve reached the Furniture Disease stage of life – when my chest starts sliding down into my drawers.
Amazing! You hang something in the closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes.
I find television quite educational. Every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it . . .
In Florida they use alligators to make handbags. Isn’t it amazing what they can train animals to do these days?
Hope that this dog-gone awful tail of woe gives you a new leash on life – instead of sheer terrier (that was ruff, just like these daffynitions):
Liquidity: when you look at your pension fund statement and wet your pants.
Locomotive: a crazy reason for doing something.
Politics: someone speaking at length but saying nothing, nobody listening, and then everyone disagrees.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is never putting it in a fruit salad.
She only made moonshine, but he loved her still.
The first restaurant opened on the moon. It had great food, but no atmosphere.
It’s OK to kiss a fool. And it’s OK to let a fool kiss you. But don’t let a kiss fool you.
However, if you try to kiss a gal and she says “no” because her lips are chapped, tell her “one more chap won’t hurt ’em.”
Is it possible to scream from the bottom of your lungs?
A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.
The accountant enjoyed the job, figuratively speaking (but kept hearing strange invoices).
She’s happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew its seams.
As the shoe said to the hat, “You go on ahead, and I’ll follow on foot.”
The prospector didn’t think his career would pan out.
Teacher: What was the Monroe Doctrine?
Johnny: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
The lumber company downsized. They got rid of the deadwood (a few walked the plank).
I may be on a long leash, but I’ll stop doggin’ around and join the Kennel Club – if they’ll take this armored cur.
It’s raining cats and dogs, but at least it’s not hailing taxis.
Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses? They will be for people who love meat tender.
But as the King barked many years ago, “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog.”
Was he quite Sirius?
Jim (finally housebroken) Bishop hounds the media as public information officer at Eastern Mennonite University. He won’t bite if you try to pet him at [email protected].
Share
Contributors
