The Ann Coulter way

Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

I’ve got it all figured out.

How I’m going to become rich and famous, that is.

Here goes …

I’m going to be Ann Coulter.

You know, the shrill shrew who threatens to eat her rivals’ children.

Sorry, that was Mike Tyson. Coulter is the one who picks on widows of those killed in the 9/11 terror attacks.

(Amazing, ain’t it – how Tyson comes across as somehow being less sanguinary in this context?)

Back to my plan – I’m going to adopt the Coulter model and make it my own.

Hey, she’s sold a bazillion books and lectures to college groups across the country – which must mean that there’s a good-sized market for what she does.

Namely, pick on people.

I have to admit that I’m not sure how suited I am for the job.

Which is not to say that I’m not above picking on people.

For example, just the other day, I let rip with quite a few choice words about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

“Who the hell cares,” I said, to myself, since no one was there for me to be jocular with, “about whether or not those two dopes had a kid?”

Of course, there’s no money to be made there – ripping solo on the rich and famous, calling them dopes, that kind of thing.

Not if I’m going to follow the Coulter model, anyway.

Well, let me revisit that one. If Pitt and Jolie were of a certain political persuasion, then it would be OK to tear them two new ones.

That I am not aware of their politics (if they have any, given all the attention they’ve given to babymaking, apparently) shows how hard I’m going to have to work at this.

Ann Coulter would know in a nanosecond where Pitt and Jolie tended to swing in terms of their political leanings – and if she didn’t know, she’d go on and on and on to the point where you’d assume that she knew.

That’s the secret to the Coulter business, ladies and germs. I shouldn’t share this with you, given that I’m aiming to get into the field myself, but, oh, what the hell.

Are you ready? You have to find the right audience – preferably one that doesn’t read much.

So no, that doesn’t mean you – you’re obviously well read, you know, given …

Ahem.

The key is research – or lack thereof. The less the reader knows, the more I can get away with.

And thus …

Can you believe that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? A two-bit actress on the left hooks up with a one-note actor from god-knows-where, honestly, pops a baby out, and we’re supposed to drop everything and worship little Brangelina, or whatever the soaked-with-their-own-spittle liberal-media elites want us to call this spawn of Satan. I don’t see what the big deal is, personally. But maybe that’s the point that the liberal-media eggheads …

I don’t know – I think it could use some work. Not nearly enough in the way of shrillness for me to be able to count on being able to make any money at it long term.

Let me give it one more try.

Can you believe that Ann Coulter? She’s fawned over by many on the right as babe-a-licious royalty and the rock star of the conservative movement. Seriously, guys, you need to get out more. The harpie has rock-star looks, sure, but Keith Richards in drag is nothing to blog home about …

I might be getting there.



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