Crystal and I were early to the wedding, at a beautiful outdoor farm venue, awesome view of the Blue Ridge Mountains.
I posted us up at a gate with a clear view of where the wedding was to take place outside the picturesque barn, and the area where people were being directed to park.
Turns out we were a good 10, maybe 15 minutes ahead of the bulk of the invitees.
They all seemed to arrive at once.
I froze.
I hate, with the heat of a thousand suns, these kinds of situations.
My inclination is to want to run and hide.
I’ve always been this way, and attributed it to basic shyness, because that’s how we understood this kind of thing back when I was growing up.
I’ve come to learn that it’s not just shyness. It’s something called social anxiety disorder, and it’s what keeps me from wanting to do much in terms of social situations.
Social anxiety disorder affects 5.3 million Americans, usually with onset in the teen years, and it’s one of the most common mental disorders, which means it’s been thoroughly studied and researched.
Theoretically, that means help should be readily available.
Thing is, you have to recognize it first, and it only hit me last week, at the wedding, that what I was dealing with was something more than just basic shyness.
The more self-reflection I put into it, the more I realized that, this is something that I’ve had to deal with not just in social situations, but also as part of my job.
The hard part for me as a working member of the news media is that social anxiety disorder can and does make it harder for me to do what I need to do.
Among the emotional and behavioral symptoms of the disorder is worry about embarrassing or humiliating yourself, fear of situations in which you may be judged negatively, and intense fear of interacting or talking with strangers.
Try having these things going on in your head and then have a question to ask in a press conference with a college football or basketball coach, or sitting U.S. senator, and see how you do.
Me, I don’t do well with it, at all.
The odd thing is, I’ve worked for years in broadcasting, hosting three local TV shows, doing play-by-play for baseball, basketball and football on radio and ESPN.
The way that works is: these aren’t social situations.
The TV shows were mostly one-on-one interviews; the broadcast booth at a game is me and one other guy, plus a director talking into my earpiece.
I can thrive in those settings. Sit me in a room with 20 other reporters, or a wedding with 50 mostly strangers, and I die a thousand deaths.
The confidence that you hear when I’m on TV or on a radio show or podcast is gone when I’m in what is for me an uncomfortable setting.
I fought it for years, working myself up from time to time to try to be a social butterfly for my wife, for whom working a crowded room comes naturally, trying to think of a good question to ask a coach or a senator.
But I could hear it in my voice, particularly in the media scrums, and I was my own worst critic.
I sounded like an idiot there. Never do that again.
It’s to a point now where, I just skip the scrums, and try like the dickens to beg out of invites to social gatherings.
I don’t even like calling to order a pizza.
I’ve broadcast literally at least a few thousand hours of sports, politics and news on TV and radio, and I shrink like a violet over having to go through the checkout line at the grocery store by myself.
The treatment for social anxiety disorder is a combination of meds and talk therapy.
Knowing what you’re dealing with is half the battle, at least.
Looks like I need to add this to my list of things to address with my doctor and therapist.
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Chris Graham
