Column by Jim Bishop
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A sagacious senior observed, “We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.”
Case in point: you’re about to get another punnelling from your Punsylvania pun pal. Don’t look, Ethel!
Too late – may as well grin and bear it, starting with this burning question:
Why is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
And why does it take so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Why is there a light in the ‘fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why is it that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Supreme Court justices refer to their homes as ‘legal pads’?
Did you hear about the high-ranking military father who cloned himself? The result was a Major Faux Pa.
Who was the world’s first and wisest financier? Noah, because he floated stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation. Did he keep the bees in the arc-hives?
My advise: stop reading now, before things get verse (or adverse – that’s making a poem longer).
Don’t squat with your spurs on. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. And never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
At a job interview, I said I had experience as an illusionist and as a window cleaner. They saw right through me (what a pane).
I’ve never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food (that’s udder nonsense). Think I’ll milk this for all it’s worth (not much) . . .
When I bought some fruit trees, the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. They were free bees (buzz off!).
Look up these daffynitions in your Funk & Wagnalls . . .
Acoustic: what you shoot pool with. Oh, that’s my cue . . .
Astronaut: A whirled traveler; the only person who is glad to be down and out.
Budget: A pay-as-you-go plan that doesn’t let you go anywhere; a detailed record of how you managed to spend more than you earned.
Chiropractor: one who works his fingers to your bone and whose fees are all back pay.
Dieting: practicing girth control – or mind over platter.
Driving ambition: a teenager wanting to buy a car.
Flattery: soft soap and 90% lye.
Maintenance-free: when it breaks, it can’t be fixed.
Mean temperature: anything below 32 degrees Fahrenheit.
Middle age: about 10 years older than you are.
Nostalgia: the longing you feel when you find the present tense and the past perfect (nostalgia sure ain’t what it used to be).
Pessimist: one who always takes the cynic route.
Pickpocket: a person who finds things before people lose them (at a five-finger discount).
Refrigerator: a place used to store leftovers until they are ready to be thrown out.
Scholarly debate: feud for thought.
It’s so quiet now I can almost hear a pun drop . . .
The first flea market started from scratch.
I have a fear of needles. They really get under my skin.
Global warming is quite the heated topic.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
A carpenter must have been here. I saw dust (and started to bite my nails).
“Did the movie have a happy ending?”
“Yes, everyone was glad it was over.”
(Sorta like this column).
First church member: “The sermon reminded me of the peace of God – it passed all understanding.”
Second member: “It reminded me of the mercies of God – I thought it would endure forever.”
Which prompts me to ask: When ministers rehearse their sermon, are they practicing what they preach?
Man phoning the Weather Bureau: “I just shoveled 11 inches of ‘partly cloudy’ off my driveway – if you get my drift.”
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Give a dandelion an inch and it takes over a yard.
I’ve made up my mind to re-sod my lawn. It was a turf decision.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Doctor: “Could you pay for an operation if I thought one was necessary?”
Me: “Would you think one was necessary if I couldn’t pay for it?”
Amazing how many things come full circle (and I keep going round in them).
These many years later, I have a natural fear of full-length mirrors (visual vertigo), I’m dry – literally and figuratively – much of the time, and even when hungry, I’m not allowed to eat anything that’s good (other than my words).
So what’s left? Just years of experience, which is something I don’t get until just after I need it, along with numerous reminders that I don’t learn much when my mouth is moving.
Case closed.
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