David Reynolds | Government Motors
Excuse me. Have you bought your new GM car or GMC truck yet? You better hurry. The new Government Motors Corporation has some very special offers. Only partial monthly payments if you get laid off. Plus the best warranty program your tax money can buy. Not some piece of paper the former GM used to offer. In fact, this warranty has the full backing for the duration of the U. S. Government or 50,000 miles, whichever comes first.
There are many reasons why you should only visit our new government showrooms. First and foremost, it is the patriotic thing to do. Secondly, why buy from a company that you don’t own? That’s stupid. Keep your money in your tax portfolio so that it can be easily withdrawn for the next bailout. And by buying into GM you will keep your neighbor and local Chevy dealer from standing in the unemployment lines. (Cadillac dealers have too much class to be seen in such lines.)
I’m sure you saw GM’s chief spokesman on the tube last Monday. He was pitching the quality of Buicks. He took over the job from Tiger Woods. Keep in mind that Buick quality will only get better when Washington rolls out the 2010 Barack Buick. I’m told that every new ‘10 Buick will be personally inspected by a government trained pit crew. However, in order to avoid giving trial lawyers too much business, every GM owner’s manual will come with a disclaimer: “Close enough for government work.”
As you probably know, Government Motors will make no station wagons. There is no need to remind buyers of some guy from Richmond who spent three decades learning the car business, when we now have the best and brightest with six weeks experience running the place. Poor Rick was a slow learner.
And we don’t wish to be reminded what the governor of Michigan said when Mr. Wagoner was fired. She said that he was a “sacrificial lamb.” As a result all GM plants in Michigan will be relocated to Maryland. This way they will also be closer to headquarters.
You say you are still undecided. You kinda like those Chryslers and Fords you saw in those non governmental showrooms. Let me warn you, stay away from those places.
As for Chrysler it will soon be no more than a division of some Italian car company. I believe Fiat. They make those small cars with big horns that you see in old Italian films. There is $6 billion in it for Chrysler whenever the forced Italian wedding takes place. How do I know? I spoke to Walter P. Chrysler after he rolled over in his grave.
As for Ford, why buy from a company that turns away billions of your dollars. Remember Henry Ford once said that a customer could have his Model T in any color as long as it was black. Henry’s children learned that was a mistake. So when the T-men from Washington charged the Ford Motor Company that in exchange for giving away taxpayers money all of their cars would need to be green, Ford said no deal. (The Treasury guys were also going to ask Ford to drop its Lincoln line. No point in honoring a Republican.)
Maybe I can interest you in a used car, fellow comrade? On our back lot we have hundreds of clean cars built by happy workers. What happened was that when those greedy capitalists won the Cold War, our GM Moscow dealer was stuck with these babies. We are offering them for only 30,000 Russian Rubles each. Sorry, we no longer take U. S. Dollars. That’s on the advise of our Chinese friends. They read your latest federal budget.
Or maybe you are waiting for the Cash-for-Clunkers program now being discussed in Congress? (Believe me, I am not making this one up.) Uncle Sam (you know who he is by now) is considering providing a voucher of up to $5,000 if a vehicle is over eight years old, is getting less than 18 mpg, and is traded in for a new GM model with high fuel milage. Again, deal or no deal? That’s what I thought.
I believe that you have a problem. You won’t let Washington bribe you. But I understand. I, too, prefer to take the high road. Nothing from the new Obama Auto Works interests me as much as my 2004 wagon from the Bavarian Motor Works.
So, maybe what we really need is not a new car — but a new car salesman. I wonder who the Republicans will run in 2012 to sell cars. I have someone in mind. He was born in Detroit and is the son of a former chairman of American Motors. For those not my age, AM was the company that built the Nash, a car so ugly that it looked like an upside down bathtub. That’s it! Mitt Romney is the perfect presidential candidate. If Mitt replaces Barack as Car Salesman in Chief, Tiger will once again be able to sell Buicks. But only after the Masters.
– Column by David Reynolds