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I’m only happy when it rains

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Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

What was with all the dampness yesterday morning?

Seriously, it was like the sky was crying or something.

I don’t get it.

Every day, the big yellow ball rises in the east, sets in the west.

These things that some people call clouds float in the sky – but I know not of their purpose in the world.

I rather think these people who call them clouds are quite the eggheads.

I mean, really.

I do vaguely recall another concept that I view as being very much wonkish in this day and age.

It was called rain – and what happened was water fell from the sky, like manna from heaven, and replenished water in the soil and allowed flowers and plants and, importantly, corn to grow.

I do seem to be able to pull up memories of this rain – but it has been so long that I am forced to wonder if they are really memories, or if I saw them on a movie, and that’s how I, ahem, remember them.

This rain would explain this item hanging in my closet called a raincoat, the use of which is purportedly to protect one’s self from the rain.

It would also give an indication as to why my car came equipped, apparently, with what are called windshield wipers – the prime utilization being to wash away errant raindrops so as to promote improved visibility during what are apparently called rainstorms.

The whole thing seems silly to me.

I can buy that there was once a phenomenon called rain – I am now reminded of the classic song “Singin’ in the Rain,” which had to have been written at a time when there was plenty of whatever the stuff is to go around.

The question is – what happened to it?

Are the clouds mad at us? Do we all need to get together to wash our cars – I came across in my research into this subject that people once felt that washing their cars would bring rain, as a sort of primitive rain dance, as it were?

Whatever it is that we need to do, I would like to be able to conduct more research into this topic.

My wife seems to think that the fact that her flower gardens are drying up has something to do with this.

I’m not so sure myself – but I can’t prove her wrong in the absence of anything in the way of a rain event.

That is what they used to be called – isn’t it?

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Have a guest column, letter to the editor, story idea or a news tip? Email editor Chris Graham at [email protected]. Subscribe to AFP podcasts on Apple PodcastsSpotifyPandora and YouTube.

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