A boy named sue

Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

I’m not one of those tort-reform types who thinks that people should be prohibited from suing big companies that put mouse parts in their soft-drink cans or anything, but …

Seriously, this country is way, way too litigious for my liking anymore.

I can sense as I write this, for example, that at least a few of you who are about to read this piece are scouring every word for something, anything to take me to court over.

I’m one step ahead of you there.

Ahem – I hereby announce that I am suing myself on behalf of those whom I have injured with this column.

Yes, it’s a class-action suit.
(Implying that I have class. Which we’ll have to work out in the discovery phase.)

I charge that I intentionally or unintentionally or otherwise inadvertently or whatever caused emotional distress in the production of this column.

(Is that vague enough? I hope so. That’s the key to the strategy – cover all the bases. You know, to give the jury no reason to do anything other than side with you. Come on, this is gold, I’m telling you.)

I mean, really, mentioning mouse parts in relation to soft-drink cans? Puh-leeze – like we don’t have enough to worry about with fingertips showing up in our extra-value meals.

Ah, there we go – that’s contention number two in my suit.

And that part about America being too litigious – that’s something else worth fighting over.

What am I trying to do there? Undermine the First Amendment?

People should have the right to sue whoever in the Sam Hill they want to sue.

(Note to self: Can we treble damages for violating something in the Bill of Rights?)

I wish I could sue myself for what I’m thinking right now. Because I’m thinking some particularly nasty thoughts about how people like to file suits when they don’t get their way.

I remember one friend whose mother was at our school constantly complaining about pretty much everything that went on from the first bell to the end of the day.

The fact that she embarrassed the blue hell out of her daughter seemed to cause her no concern.

There’s something for me to sue myself over. One, I contend – without basis of fact – that this woman embarrassed her daughter.

And two, what does blue hell mean?

I’m not going to settle this one out of court, either. Oh, no – I’m going to nail myself to the wall on this one.

For the mentions of mouse parts and missing appendages alone, this one is worth millions.

The part about the embarrassment of a friend might make this one of history’s top all-time monetary awards.

I just hope that I’m insured.

(Another reason to sue me – practicing journalism without proper bonding. Gotta try to include that one.)

 

Chris Graham’s Stop the Presses column appears on this blog on Tuesdays and Fridays. For more on Chris Graham’s humor columns and other fiction writing, visit www.authorchrisgraham.com.