A boy named sue

A boy named sue


Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

I’m not one of those tort-reform types who thinks that people should be prohibited from suing big companies that put mouse parts in their soft-drink cans or anything, but …

Seriously, this country is way, way too litigious for my liking anymore.

I can sense as I write this, for example, that at least a few of you who are about to read this piece are scouring every word for something, anything to take me to court over.

I’m one step ahead of you there.

Ahem – I hereby announce that I am suing myself on behalf of those whom I have injured with this column.

Yes, it’s a class-action suit.
(Implying that I have class. Which we’ll have to work out in the discovery phase.)

I charge that I intentionally or unintentionally or otherwise inadvertently or whatever caused emotional distress in the production of this column.

(Is that vague enough? I hope so. That’s the key to the strategy – cover all the bases. You know, to give the jury no reason to do anything other than side with you. Come on, this is gold, I’m telling you.)

I mean, really, mentioning mouse parts in relation to soft-drink cans? Puh-leeze – like we don’t have enough to worry about with fingertips showing up in our extra-value meals.

Ah, there we go – that’s contention number two in my suit.

And that part about America being too litigious – that’s something else worth fighting over.

What am I trying to do there? Undermine the First Amendment?

People should have the right to sue whoever in the Sam Hill they want to sue.

(Note to self: Can we treble damages for violating something in the Bill of Rights?)

I wish I could sue myself for what I’m thinking right now. Because I’m thinking some particularly nasty thoughts about how people like to file suits when they don’t get their way.

I remember one friend whose mother was at our school constantly complaining about pretty much everything that went on from the first bell to the end of the day.

The fact that she embarrassed the blue hell out of her daughter seemed to cause her no concern.

There’s something for me to sue myself over. One, I contend – without basis of fact – that this woman embarrassed her daughter.

And two, what does blue hell mean?

I’m not going to settle this one out of court, either. Oh, no – I’m going to nail myself to the wall on this one.

For the mentions of mouse parts and missing appendages alone, this one is worth millions.

The part about the embarrassment of a friend might make this one of history’s top all-time monetary awards.

I just hope that I’m insured.

(Another reason to sue me – practicing journalism without proper bonding. Gotta try to include that one.)


Chris Graham’s Stop the Presses column appears on this blog on Tuesdays and Fridays. For more on Chris Graham’s humor columns and other fiction writing, visit www.authorchrisgraham.com.



Have a story idea or a news tip? Email editor Chris Graham at [email protected]. Subscribe to AFP podcasts on Apple PodcastsSpotifyPandora and YouTube.

Latest News

uva football

Live Blog: Virginia hosts Brennan Armstrong, NC State in 2023 ACC opener

virginia map
Economy, Virginia

Commonwealth’s general fund revenues exceed expectations in August

Virginia’s general fund revenues for August 2023 are ahead of forecast by $204.8 million compared to a year ago.

shower water
Environment, Virginia

Monsanto to pay Virginia $80M in PCBs distribution settlement

Polychlorinated biphenyls, or PCBs, are artificial chemicals responsible for harmful health effects and negative environmental impacts. PCBs were distributed by Monsanto Co. from the 1930s to 1977, when the company produced 99 percent of America’s PCBs. Virginia Attorney General Jason Miyares and his team secured an $80 million settlement agreement with Monsanto Co. for environmental contamination...

Economy, U.S. & World

Mortgage rates decreased in early September, remained above 7%

broadband internet

‘Internet is no longer a luxury but a necessity’: Four organizations awarded federal investments

open business sign

SCCF accepting entrepreneurs and business ideas in new Incubator Program


Boys & Girls Club golf tournament raises more than $25K for programs