news fox news dolts soccer is boring and also soccer players are really handsome

Fox News dolts: Soccer is ‘boring,’ and also, soccer players are ‘really handsome’

jesse watters
Screenshot: Mediaite

Jesse Watters, who is apparently a guy on TV, and Adam Carolla, who you may vaguely remember from whatever that the name of that show was 20 years ago, and wish you didn’t, think soccer is boring.

The two had a conversation on this on a Fox News show.

I didn’t actually watch, because, yes, the show boring.

Anyway, being Fox News clowns, they droned on and on about something they have no knowledge or even the slightest understanding of, in this case soccer.

It started, mind-numbingly, according to the transcript, which, also boring, with Watters asking Carolla if he had “processed the World Cup action, if we can call it that.”

“I’m with you, way too boring,” Carolla shot back, before launching into a diatribe about donkeys, sports cars and Brazilian soccer star Pelé that you have to assume he thought made sense in his head, which says a lot about the processing power he has up there.

(Imagine an old, tired hamster, walking, the wheel turning, ever so slightly.)

Watters, whose hamster died a hero a couple of years ago, came back the bright idea of signing guys who run 4.3 40s to the national soccer team.

“Yeah, what it is, is, we have our worst athletes playing soccer,” Carolla said. “And I know that’s going to piss off a lot of people who can’t kick my ass, so I don’t really care.”

Oh, but Adam, I am certain I could kick your ass; not that anything you’re saying here pisses me off.

I think it’s unintentionally hilarious myself.

Unintentionally hilarious, as in, laughing at you, not with you.

(OK, more like feeling sorry for you.)

Carolla next offered the brilliant observation that the big problem with US Soccer is that the money in US sports is in football, basketball, oddly, he added UFC to this list; I say oddly because, UFC doesn’t share much of what it brings in at the gate and from TV with the actual people beating each others’ brains in.

“The athletes are going to go where the money is. Especially if they’re coming from the poorer neighborhoods. But also, soccer is boring compared to real football,” Carolla said.

I keep seeing him described as a comedian.

Adam Carolla is boring compared to real comedians.

Watters tried to keep the chains moving by saying he wants “more goals, especially shootouts. To not have shootouts is sacrilegious,” he said.

People this dense having a TV platform is sacrilegious.

2022’s answer to the Lincoln/Douglas debate ended with the two dishing on the hairstyles of the athletes.

“Half the American team has a man-bun. That cannot be the best athletes in this country,” Carolla said.

“And some of them are really handsome,” Watters said. “They’re thin, they’re handsome, well-conditioned. I’d rather see a guy with a helmet on his head. Especially when I’m watching it with my wife.”

Don’t want her to see what she’s missing, eh, Jesse?

Can’t blame you there.

Chris Graham

In addition to being the editor of Augusta Free Press, I've written seven books, including Poverty of Imagination and Team of Destiny: Inside Virginia Basketball’s Run to the 2019 National Championship, both published in 2019, and The Worst Wrestling Pay-Per-View Ever, published in 2018. For my commentaries on news, sports and politics, go to my YouTube page, Want to reach me? Try [email protected].