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Chris Graham: Accident of birther


Good thing I’m not thinking of running for City Council again. I have no idea where my birth certificate is. I know I’ve seen it, can’t remember exactly when, and don’t know where it is.

Which leads me to this: For all I know, I was born in Kenya.

Seriously. I mean, I’m sure I was born at the old King’s Daughters’ Hospital in Staunton, but hell, that place closed down years ago.

Investigator hired by Donald Trump: So you were born in a hospital that no longer exists, eh?

Me: Yes, sir.

Investigator hired by Donald Trump: Sure you were.

Once while doing research for a thesis as a student at UVa., I came across my birth announcements in the News Leader and News Virginian. Which would be proof of something, but now apparently the consensus on those kinds of things is that they could easily be faked.

OK, so it would take believing that somebody would have thought 38 years ago that the kid with the oversized head born to the dirt-poor teen couple from Deerfield might one day almost amount to something, but … well, you’ve seen “The Terminator,” right? People can go back in time and do that kind of thing.

So … I’ve got nothing. For all I know, the story of my live birth at King’s Daughters’ was something planted in my head beginning early in childhood to … I don’t know … cover for my real parents’ Russian lineage.

(I was always oddly fascinated with Russian history. I even tried to be a Soviet foreign policy major in college. Mom, baseball and apple pie – hock, phtooey! Das vidanya!)

Kenya: no. I can’t see that. I’m whiter than Casper the Friendly Ghost. Nothing even vaguely Asian about me, either. Supposedly there’s some Native American in my lineage, and the Native Americans just as supposedly crossed a land bridge from Asia before settling the Americas, but that was well before 1972, according to Wikipedia.

Which brings me back to square zero. If elected, I could not serve.

Not that any of you could, either. Try to prove that you are who you’ve been told you are. No chance in hell.

More columns by Chris at TheWorldAccordingToChrisGraham.com.



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