Child psychologist: Back to school presents struggles for parents as much as for children

Back to school means back to a regular routine for America‘s children, but transitioning from summer to school does not come with guarantees of smooth sailing.

“The back-to-school period is certainly more than a few weeks,” said Dr. Allie Mann, UVA Health child psychologist in a video conference meeting with local press Friday morning.

A new school year presents challenges of the unknown for students, including new classmates, new teachers and a new routine.

Mann said that children who are struggling with a new school year may show resistance to return to school.

Encouraging children to get back into a routine of going to bed early so that they can have enough sleep and rise early for school is important.

“So, for parents and kids, bedtime can be a source [of tension],” Mann said.

Parents cannot always take away all of the challenges that may cause discomfort for their children, according to Mann, because challenges enable humans to grow and mature.

What parents can do, however, is add in regular check-ins after school, such as asking their child about their day. Parents could admit “It’s OK to feel nervous” about the change and unknown of a new school year.

Parents can also add in a regular time for a fun activity that is not related to school, such as going to a local park on Friday afternoon.

Spending fun time with parents may encourage children to open up when they are dealing with a challenge at school.

Mann said she encourages parents to be consistent and predictable about bedtime, but to be aware of the signs that signal a child is struggling: changes in mood, behavior or physical complaints.

When mood changes, children may verbally express that they feel sad or may appear irritable.

When behavior changes, children may avoid school and withdraw from friends and favorite activities.

Physical complaints may be exhibited as frequent stomach pain or headaches.

“Engage more with your children and you can learn more about what’s going on and how you can help,” Mann said.

Knowing when a parent should seek professional assistance is different for each child.

“There isn’t really one right answer to that question for any family or child,” Mann said.

However, any drastic change in mood or behavior for a child requires calling the child’s primary care physician or a mental health professional especially if the parent has spoken with their child and made changes to improve a situation, but the child continues to struggle.

“These can be one-time consultations or ongoing,” Mann said.

After a school shooting in Georgia, Mann was asked how parents should handle talking with their children. She said parents may want to avoid the topic because of their own anxiety, but must remain open and talk to their children about what has happened.

Parents are not alone in the struggle to get their children to open up about what is going on at school. Mann encourages parents to create regular opportunities for discussion and to ask open-ended questions to spark conversation. Parents should also not just ask about school, but other parts of the child’s life.

Most importantly, Mann said that parents should not expect for one conversation to create success and encourage their child to open up. A gradual series of conversations over time will create success and open dialogue. She recommended the Rose-Bud-Thorn approach, which means talking about something good (rose), something the child can look forward to (bud) and adding something difficult to talk about (thorn).

Mann also encourages parents to seek resources at school before they actually need them, such as a counselor on site, and sign up for newsletters and text messages, and attend parent-teacher meetings as they are available.

“It’s so important to acknowledge that when kids are stressed, parents are stressed too,” Mann said. If a parent struggled with something before they became a parent, they will struggle with it after becoming a parent. An important aspect of being a parent is to prioritize self-care.

Parents may also consider what responsibilities, when age appropriate, children can take on to help around the house, which will also foster confidence in the child.

Mann said that struggling as a parent and as a child is normal and no one is alone in their struggle.