Stop the Presses | ‘Homosexual agenda’?

Republican attorney-general candidate Ken Cuccinelli’s recent nonsense about the “homosexual agenda” got me to thinking.

We hear from social conservatives all the time about the “homosexual agenda,” as if such a thing could be more than “economic prosperity,” “basic civil liberties” and “world peace.”

But that wasn’t what I was thinking. As a heterosexual, I was thinking, I wonder if we heterosexuals have a “heterosexual agenda.”

If so, I haven’t been made privy to one.

Maybe there’s a problem right there at the get-go.

We need to learn from our homosexual brethren and sistren. If you don’t have an agenda, then the Ken Cuccinellis of the world will fill the vacuum, so to speak.

So here goes. My suggestions for the “heterosexual agenda.”

1. Economic prosperity, basic civil liberties and world peace.

Boring, I know. But you have to start somewhere.

2. Forget about this unisex bathroom crap.

If you believe Fox News, that’s where we’re headed. Honestly, I don’t like having to saddle up and pee next to some random guy. I could seriously do without having to worry about offending some little old lady.

3. Don’t see nothin’ wrong with a little bump-and-grind.

This one probably goes without saying.

4. I can do housework and gardening and not be gay; she can do stuff to the car and mow the grass and not be butch.

I, for one, like clean floors.

5. For chrissakes, let me wear my pink shirt and white tie.

Funny thing about all those – starting with #1 on down, I think you could line them up with the “homosexual agenda” that Cuccinelli is trying to conjure up and find a lot of commonality.

But then, I’m not trying to scare you into voting for me.

 

Chris Graham is the editor of the Augusta Free Press. He’s also known to change things up by wearing a white shirt and pink tie.