Abigail Spanberger isn’t polling well right now, but I think I’ve got the solution.
No, not better policies.
I mean, a big part of the problem is that she’s not doing well with Democrats and independents, because she’s governing like a center-right Republican.
We don’t fix bad poll numbers these days by course corrections.
ICYMI
The solution: bombs.
Now, as to who.
West Virginia is too obvious.
The Republicans stole West Virginia from us in the 1860s.
Reunification, baby.
Mr. Morrisey, tear down this wall!
That would just be us reclaiming what’s rightfully ours.
West Virginia, the 96th county.
As if we want West Virginia back, but anyway.
But, no, you don’t do what people expect.
Start with Delaware.
I’ve had my eyes on Rehoboth Beach for a while now, personally.
Air strikes on Delaware should effect regime change there pretty quickly.
Maryland would probably be willing to negotiate before we’d turn our eyes on the rest of the Delmarva Peninsula, to protect Annapolis, which, all the sudden, is quite vulnerable, once we’ve got a beachhead in Delaware.
In a few weeks, we get beachfront property, we get the entirety of the Chesapeake Bay.
Spanberger’s ratings go through the roof.
I know what you’re thinking at this stage: what if Maryland responds to our attack of Delaware by trying to cut off our access to the inland port in Baltimore?
Go ahead, Marylanders, make our day.
We have the tip of the peninsula.
We’ll charge tolls for your stupid ships to get out to sea.
And on top of that, we make extra bank here, selling “Don’t Mess With Virginia” T-shirts and hats.
You know you want one now, before the war even starts.
Did I say war?
Not a war.
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Delaware has been a threat to us since the 1780s.
Everybody knows Virginia is the real first state.
Indeed, if you know your history, you’d know that this is just the start of what we’ve needed to do for a few hundred years now.
Virginia used to stretch from sea to shining sea, before they started splitting off pieces of our Old Dominion to form new colonies, which then became states.
Time to get ’em all back under the umbrella.
Spanberger, meanwhile, goes from 47 percent approval to somewhere in the high 90s.
I’d even suggest that she’d be so popular, she could buck the Virginia Constitution and run for a second term.
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Chris Graham
