Dear Wayne,
I’ve been dating this girl for about two years. Things are pretty good. She’s been talking about marriage. It’s just that the sex has gotten a little stale. It pisses me off that she doesn’t initiate. Seems like, more and more, I’d rather work later or make plans with my buddies than hang with her. It’s messed up. How do I turn this around?
Signed,
Stuck
Dear Stuck,
First of all, I like hearing you ask how you can turn this around. The fact is, if she’s a good woman and you love her, you can absolutely turn this around. First, silence the little boy.
It’s the most important BetterMen Tool. That little guy is running the show when you get pissed off when she doesn’t initiate sex. He’s screaming in your head, “Hey, how come you’re not reading my mind? Isn’t it obvious I want sex!?” Well, maybe not.
Once you recognize how the little boy in you is sabotaging your long-term committed relationship, you’re ready to move on to step number two: run the sex and romance departments.
It’s your job to romance her, to make her feel like a goddess, to remind her as often as possible how damn lucky you are to have her in your life. When you love her like that, and do the things that mean a lot to her (different for all women), she’ll be much more available to you in so many ways, including beneath the sheets.
But listen, if you’ve done your job and she’s not giving you the sign (or you’re too afraid of rejection to pay attention), make the move yourself. Remember, she wants a man in her bed, not a little boy. Now get back off the bench and back in the game, son!
Dear Wayne,
I need help with my 14-year-old son. Every morning there’s yelling and commotion in the house. It’s a lousy way to start the day. What happens is that his mother yells upstairs to wake him up. When we don’t hear any movement upstairs, I begin to yell at him to get going. Then he starts yelling at us to stop yelling. He’s been late to school quite a few times so we’re trying to help him to be punctual. But the noise is giving us a headache. Please, give us a solution.
Signed,
Oy, My Head
Dear Oy,
I’m happy to give you a solution, but first we have to identify the problem. It certainly isn’t your son. If you want the yelling to stop, stop yelling. Someone got a gun to your head? Sounds like you and your wife are blaming the kid because you don’t know how to parent him. You’re giving him all the power.
Your son is old enough to be responsible for his own schedule. If he’s late, let him get marked tardy. If he’s late often, let him suffer the consequences at school. If he can’t uphold the standards in your house, let him suffer those consequences as well.
If you keep yelling and insisting on being less than the man you want to be, what kind of man do you think your son will become? Too many parents don’t understand that if they want their kids to act like adults, they first need to act like adults themselves, and then treat their kids like adults. You’re babying your son and that won’t help him to become a responsible man.
So here’s your solution: get him an alarm clock and lay out the plan. He gets up on his own, he comes down on his own, and you and your wife enjoy the morning paper. If you drive him to school, you can either drive him when he’s ready, or let him know that the “bus” leaves at a certain time, and if he’s late, he walks.
You have several options. But what’s most important is that you not be afraid to parent your son. Don’t be afraid to have him angry with you. If you and your wife are on the same page, you may be shocked at how easy this change will be. And imagine the peace and quiet.
Wayne M. Levine, M.A., mentors men to be better men, husbands and fathers. Email your questions to [email protected]. See how you can become a better man at www.BetterMen.org. ©2009 BetterMen®
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