Donald Trump: Speak loudly, and swing your, ahem, big dick

Donald Trump seriously just said on a live TV presidential debate that he has a big dick.

OK, not in so many words. More like how Beavis used to wax poetic to Butthead in one of his soliloquys on the meaning of life.

Sorry. They pretty much always talked about penises, vaginas, breasts, butts, and the rest.

They were ‘90s slacker teenage morons, remember.

“He referred to my hands. If they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I guarantee you.”

And no, that was neither Beavis nor Butthead, but Trump, the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, going on about the size of his penis in Thursday’s Fox News Republican debate.

You half-expected him to then whip it out to prove his point.

That he didn’t, well … as Butthead might point out to Beavis, were he to make the same argument that Trump did to the nonsense from Marco Rubio about the size of Trump’s hands, heh-heh, heh-heh …

My hands, Butthead would say, heh-heh, heh-heh, look pretty small compared to, heh-heh, heh-heh, you know.

Because as Butthead astutely would observe, you don’t want any sense of 1:1 proportionality in the relation between the size of your hands and, heh-heh, heh-heh, you know, unless you’re walking around with Shaquille O’Neal hands.

I mean, wouldn’t you rather be Tom Brady, having to deflate your, heh-heh, heh-heh, heh-heh, heh-heh, heh-heh …

You know, because the, heh-heh, heh-heh, the football is too big to get a good … heh-heh, heh-heh …

Grip. To get a good grip.

Too big. The ball is too big in relation to the size of your hands.

You could fool yourself into thinking that your hands aren’t lilliputian because, being a male, you just assume that your, heh-heh, heh-heh, Cabinet member is the size of an aircraft carrier.

News flash: the reason you’re not working in porn ain’t your morals.

Relative to Trump, the reason the model-actresses line up to be the latest in a line of future ex-wives ain’t because he’s packin’.

It’s because Daddy left him a ton of money, and because he was able to get away with sticking that disgustingly small little pinky-finger-sized apparatus of his into the vast honeypot of local, state and federal subsidies to make more money with our money.

To answer the question: they’re both small, his hands and, heh-heh, heh-heh, you know.

– Column by Chris Graham