Developing: ‘Sandwich Guy’ found not guilty, won’t have to toss salads

“Sandwich Guy,” the paralegal who the Trumpers wanted to charge with a felony for throwing a Subway sandwich at a Border Patrol agent, was found not guilty on a misdemeanor charge by a Washington, D.C., jury on Thursday.

How embarrassing this whole thing is for our country, that this thing got this far.

Seriously, we’ve got federal jackboots beating the bejeezus out of brown people they’re abducting for no legal reason, plowing their SUVs into random people’s cars and then beating the bejeezus out of them, just wreaking general goddamn havoc in the streets, and the Justice Department tried to prosecute a guy over a f**king sandwich.

“Not only is he FIRED, he has been charged with a felony,” was what Attorney General Pam Bondi wrote on her socials, following the Aug. 10 arrest of Sean Dunn, 37, then a DOJ paralegal.

A grand jury refused to return an indictment, because obviously, so the mission changed to, OK, we’ll get him on a misdemeanor.

Dunn’s defense was unique:

“He did it. He threw the sandwich,” his lead defense attorney, Julia Gatto, said, at the top of her opening statement.

Gatto framed the case as being about whether the agent who was struck by the sandwich, Greg Lairmore, had suffered what could be considered “bodily injury.”

It probably didn’t help the prosecution that Lairmore testified that the sandwich “exploded all over my chest” and “smelled of onions and mustard,” when Sabrina Shroff, another of Dunn’s defense attorneys, showed him a photo of the sandwich, which showed the sandwich on the ground, still wrapped in paper, after the toss.

The crux of the prosecution’s case was this comment from Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael DiLorenzo:

“Here we have the defendant, throwing a sandwich, but he’s throwing it hard.”

Narrator: Lairmore was wearing a bulletproof vest.

The jury, for some reason, needed seven hours to come to the not-guilty verdict, which Jeanine Pirro, the Fox News contributor-turned-U.S. Attorney for DC, wasn’t a fan of.

“As always, we accept a jury’s verdict; that is the system within which we function,” Pirro said in a statement. “However, law enforcement should never be subjected to assault, no matter how ‘minor’. Even children know when they are angry, they are not allowed to throw objects at one another.”

Children also know that throwing a sandwich at somebody shouldn’t end in a felony charge, but that’s another story for another day.