The Elon Musk weight loss plan: This is what chainsaws were made for

I’ve been trying to lose 10 pounds for what feels like forever. Elon Musk is inspiring me to take a new approach.

I’ve done my research (nod to Aaron Rodgers), and from what I can tell, each of my arms should weigh between 10 and 12 pounds.

You can see where I’m going with this.

Do I really need two arms?

Any more than we need, say, a Department of Education, an FBI, NASA.

My plan: have ‘em chainsaw off my left arm, since I’m right-handed, not that it should really matter.

It’ll be harder to type, but that’s what speech-to-text is for.

Advantage: should be easier to sleep on my left side going forward.

Don’t @me about how I should just try harder to eat right, exercise a little more.

I think Elon is onto something.

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Just … chop it off.

I mean, sure, once you go that route, it’s hard to undo it.

Same as, once you stop, for example, funding cancer research, the researchers find other things to do – they’re not just sitting around doing nothing waiting for somebody to tap them on the shoulder and say, Sorry, we effed up.

If they were going to tap on my shoulder, it had better be my right one.

The left one is going to be sore for a while.

If you think I’m crazy cutting off an arm to lose 10 pounds, Elon is cutting off a lot more than one arm, and not losing anything close to what I’ll lose.

We’re ceding the foreign-aid goodwill game to Russia and China to save the equivalent of a pinky toe.

Dude jettisoned thousands of cyberspecialists whose job was to protect our sensitive computer systems from hackers, which will have the budget impact of trimming the dead skin on your thumb.

The only thing that’s Elon is doing that comes close to me cutting off my left arm is his proposed cuts to the military, which, sure, a lot of folks argue is bloated – but that’s easy to say from the relative peace and security of a couple hundred years of not being invaded by a foreign power.

Me cutting off the left arm will make me more susceptible to right hooks, and on the basketball court, man, the scouting report is simple: he’s going right.

I’m OK with all of that.

Because I’ll be down 10 pounds.

And if that doesn’t do the job, do I really need two legs?