IVORY TOWER, N.Y. (Nov. 3, 2011) – Ahem. We demand an apology, and we demand it now.
Seriously, no playing around. This Herman Cain thing is the last straw. Seriously, as if we wouldn’t want a presidential race with two African-Americans. You think we in the liberal media don’t get all lathered up over that prospect? Give us credit for being the liberal media.
So now that it’s clear that no, it wasn’t us that schemed up the sexual-harassment claims against Cain, and that in fact it was an operative for a rival Republican presidential candidate, well, yeah, we’re upset.
OK, no, actually, we’re not at all upset. Our brand name has been suffering a bit lately, what with the slide back into irrelevance for people like Glenn Beck, who now looks up in the ratings at Keith Olbermann over in the netherworld that is Current TV. The decline in influence of Beck and his former Fox brethren (Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, etc.) has been tough on us. Without an entire network lobbing consistent reminders about how powerful we are, you know, we found ourselves in desperate need for somebody to rattle the cages.
But really, if it was up to us, we’d have left the Herman Cain thing alone until, oh, about this time next year. Oh, yeah, a good old-fashioned October Surprise. That’d boost the ratings and sell copies of the New York Times and Washington Post. (They are still in print, right? We’ll have somebody fact-check that. Somebody call the copy desk. It’s in India. Yeah, we’ve had to outsource a lot, too.)
So as pleased as we were that we were, for a fleeting moment, relevant, with all the talk about how we’d undermined another GOP frontrunner, no, sorry, wasn’t us.
See, of course we want to see Obama re-elected. We figure the best way to make that happen would be to let one of the cast of thousands of GOP frontrunners-in-waiting swoop in from the lunatic fringe at the last minute completely and totally unvetted so that we can sink our collective incisors into them and tear off as many pounds of flesh as we can before Election Day.
Seems that this Cain fellow would have been a weeks-long feast. We’re sorry that we won’t be able to have more than another nice dinner or two before he fades back into the obscurity that an overnight weekend time slot on Fox News will have to offer.
Now back to the important message that we wanted to leave you in this press release. Fear the liberal media. (Please.)
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