The jackboots in Waynesboro are coming for your pets

Looks like I’m on the verge of being engaged in protracted legal action with the City of Waynesboro, if the City Council adopts an ordinance limiting the rights of residents involving companion animals.

“It shall be unlawful for any person to keep or harbor more than four dogs and or 5 five cats over four months of age, not to exceed a total of 7 animals, in or on the premises of any dwelling unit or on an unimproved lot within the City, unless authorized by a permit issued by the animal control officer,” the relevant section of the proposed ordinance reads. “Such permit may be issued only if the animal control officer finds that exceptional circumstances exist for such period of time specified in the permit.”

My wife and I have six dogs – three shih tzus, two yorkie mixes and a poodle, all under 17 pounds, all over the age of four.

We don’t have kids. The dogs are our kids.

And we’re not giving two of them up, any more than anybody with kids would give two of their kids up if a government officer wouldn’t sign off on “exceptional circumstances” in some cockamamie permit.

Which means, under the ordinance, we’d be subject to criminal penalties.

Not making this up.

“The first violation of this Section shall constitute a Class 4 misdemeanor. The second violation shall constitute a Class 3 misdemeanor. Subsequent violations shall constitute Class 2 misdemeanors. Upon being found guilty of a third or subsequent violation related to the same animal, the court may also order the confiscation and the proper disposition of the animal(s).”

I’d like to see them try.

“Dogs and cats currently owned in the City shall not be ‘grandfathered’ or permitted to remain after the effective date of this Section; however; owners of these animals will have ninety (90) days from the effective date to come into compliance with this Section.”

I will sue the absolute shit out of the city, the individual members of City Council personally and the staff members responsible for this ordinance were it to be adopted.

Seriously, to the people involved in coming up with this ordinance, may you rot in fucking hell.

Story by Chris Graham