What this Virginia team is missing: Someone who can win a dick swinging contest

If there was a dick swinging contest, and Darion Atkins was among the contestants, you’d put your money on Darion Atkins.

You need guys like Atkins, Akil Mitchell, Isaiah Wilkins, Jack Salt, Mamadi Diakite, Braxton Key.

The going gets tough, you need a rebound, a defensive stop, a screen to free up a shooter, you cue up your dick swinging contest guy.

This Virginia team is as talented, maybe slightly more so, than the 2019 national champions.

That team has two guys in the NBA (De’Andre Hunter and Kyle Guy), three in the G League (Ty Jerome, on a rehab assignment, plus Diakite and Key; this one has two guys that will be pros next year, in Jay Huff and Sam Hauser, and it’s not hard to see next level in Trey Murphy III and Reece Beekman, and I’ll throw in Kihei Clark, who probably ends up a career G League guy like London Perrantes, but anyway, it’s a job in basketball, as opposed to sales or pushing papers around.

OK, so, there’s talent.

Just no dick swinging contest dudes.

Which is probably why Tony Bennett went to 7’1” sophomore Francisco Caffaro for 15 minutes in tonight’s 68-61 loss to N.C. State.

Caffaro looks like the kind of guy that Vince McMahon wants to put one of his world titles on.

Holy crap, the kid is chiseled.

Just not a dick swinging contest guy.

As much as Bennett wants Papi to be Jack Salt 2.0, he’s just not.

Three years in the program, and the hard hedge is still a mystery.

Doesn’t set mean screens the way Salt did to free up Guy and Jerome.

His feet seem mired in cement.

There’s a reason Salt started 106 games in four seasons while averaging 3.3 points and 3.5 rebounds a game.

What Salt brought to the champs had nothing to do with stats.

And had everything to do with his ability in dick swinging contests.

He learned at the feet of the dick swinging contest OG, Atkins, who averaged 4.4 points and 3.4 boards over four seasons, but you absolutely did not mess with that guy.

There’s no guy like that on this Virginia team.

Huff, uber-talented, is literally a choir boy.

Hauser, God love ‘im, exudes Eagle Scout.

The only guy even close to being a dick swinging contest guy is the for whatever reason maligned 5’9” point guard, Kihei Clark.

Apologies to Kihei, but your dick swinging contest guy can’t be your 5’9” point guard.

Or rather, if your dick swinging contest guy is your 5’9” point guard, there’s a reason your coach coins the term “finesse-y” to try to get somebody pissed off enough at being called “finesse-y” to want to go out and win the next dick swinging contest.

If I could throw my two cents in, I’d suggest that I see future dick swinging contest top contender in Justin McKoy.

Reminds me so much of Wilkins, particularly.

Athletic as all get out, quick first step, not a liability on either end, unlike Caffaro, who, to his credit, looks good in the airport.

And he seems legitimately put off that he’s not been getting minutes.

You didn’t see this column ending this way, did you?

I’m saying the key to this Virginia team is more minutes for Justin McKoy.

I think a Zoom call for McKoy with Atkins, currently winning dick swinging contests for Lokman Hekim Fethiye Belediyespor in Turkey – should be in order.

Story by Chris Graham