Bishop’s Mantle column by Jim Bishop
“Shhhhhh … be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m hunting good humor. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh …!”
Until our nimble nimrod finds some, I’m afraid you’ll have to settle for yet another double-barreled round of ricocheting repartee of poor caliber, shot from the lip.
Let’s begin with a series of Rhettorical questions, gone with the Schwinn:
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Probably for the same reason we hit the elevator button several times in hopes that the door will open sooner.
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to its bottle?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
With the answers, my friend, blowin’ in the wind, let’s move on quickly to random awful anecdotes and cracked corn (done so quietly, you can hear a pun drop) …
Hear about the two students who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
Now, for those who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
There are three kinds of people – those who can count and those who can’t.
A lady asked the dispatcher of a trucking company if they could ship an antique mirror to her sister in Toronto. The dispatcher replies, “I don’t know, ma’am. I’d have to look into it first.”
Turn the page, Mr. Webster, for a few more daffynitions:
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub’ ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D’Etat!
Sesquipedaliphobianism: The fear of long words.
I went to the 24-hour grocery, and when I got there, the guy was locking the front door. “Hey, I said, “The sign says you’re open 24/7.” He replied, “Yeah, but not in a row.”
No, I don’t have a “Monopoly” on onerous one-liners, so go to jail, go directly to jail, my pen pal. Do not pass “Go,” do not collect $200 …
A “friend” sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it, and on the back he wrote, “Wish you were here!”
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
Know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, get to the top and think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
I found it difficult as a child to fall asleep. Mom said, “Jimmy, time to go to sleep.”
“But I don’t know how,” I replied.
She said, “It’s easy. Just go down to the end of tired and turn left.”
So I went down to the end of tired, and out of curiosity I turned right.
My mother was there, and she said, “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Money can’t buy happiness – but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.
A sign at a cemetery reads, “No Trespassing, Violators Will Face Grave Charges” (from a skeleton crew?).
And finally, the coupe de Gracie (with George doing slow Burns) …
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.”
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.
“Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!” Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”
Copywight 2007, Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Jim (it only irks when I laugh) Bishop is, for reasons unknown, still public-information officer at longsuffering Eastern Mennonite University.