Viagra, it ain’t

Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham
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You call this an economic-stimulus package?
It could take 60 days for the checks – $600 per individual, $1,200 or more per couple (more if you have kids, and no, you can’t count your poodle or goldfish as a kid, because I’ve checked) – to actually get out in the mail.
And that’s being generous in saying that. I’ve heard June and even as late as October before the government will be able to get the spendin’ money to us so we can get the economy fueled again.
And … wowee! … so much refueling that’s going to do for us.

I dunno, I might be able to …
Buy a tank of gas. (At $3 a gallon, I could get back and forth around town for a whole week because of the stimulus. Wowzers!)
Get a couple of movies on the pay-per-view. (Not that I want to support my friendly neighborhood most-hated cable company. Rat bastards.)
Buy a sweater, and not one of those $8 sweaters from the Steve and Barry’s. (I’m kidding. For $600, I could buy a whole new wardrobe at Steve and Barry’s. And rent a movie on pay-per-view. I’d hate to find another way home, of course.)
Dinner on me at Applebee’s. Plus tip. (Sorry ’bout stiffing you guys on that last time. I’ll make it up now, promise. Stimulus rocks!)

OK, so I’m deflated here.
I mean, all this hullaballoo about stimulus, and it’s $1,200 in a few months, if we’re lucky.
If Viagra was this kind of stimulus, nobody’d be all that worked up about Viagra, that’s all I’m saying.

Chris Graham is the executive editor of The Augusta Free Press.