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Me for Veep


Dull Ache column by W.R. Marshall

With the primaries finally over – although it hasn’t really sunk I still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, thinking it’s 2037 and hearing Hillary say “If I win in Guam, they’ll have to give me the nomination” – it’s on to other business. In addition to all the talks of strategies, all the big money is going into the “Who’ll be VP” pool.

Well, I’m here to make everyone’s life a little easier – pick me.

Doesn’t matter which party, I’m the best choice, and here’s why: I’m an unknown, no baggage, no political paper trail, never abused substances, have nice teeth, and aside from that little incident many years ago when I was naked in the back of an open-topped jeep with a reindeer and a young woman who had just gotten rave notices as Lady MacBeth, my nose is clean.

I lack ambition. Not only don’t I want to be president, I’ve no interest in making deals with Satan, no matter how high he says my stock options will go.

I don’t own any stock options.

I’m not evil, and I have a human heart. (I’m not sure if there’s a correlation between the two, but … I’m just sayin’.)

I don’t know anyone in the oil business. I even call my mechanic “Mr.” – frankly at his prices, I should call him “Dr.”

I also don’t know anyone in Saudi Arabia, nor do I have any intention of moving my offices to Dubai. In fact, I’m not even sure where Dubai is, and my “offices” is the den next to the garage in my house.

I’m a coward; I don’t now, nor have I ever “had other priorities.”

I don’t hunt. Now, that may not make me very popular with the NRA crowd, but I do know my way around firearms if that helps. More to the point, if you showed me one hundred pictures of a bird and one hundred pictures of a man’s face, I could tell the difference every time … every time.

I’ve read enough history to know that a region that’s been in conflict since the Old Testament was daily news is never going to treat an occupying army as “liberators.”

Finally, milk doesn’t curdle, children don’t begin to cry, and flowers don’t wither and die when I walk by.

So you can see how I’d be the perfect choice for vice president … hell, I’d even talk to networks other than Fox.


W.R. Marshall is a regular contributor to The Augusta Free Press.



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