Chance of showers?

Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

“This is fun … I’m sitting in a bowl of soup.”

This was my feeling this weekend when my shower went on the fritz.

Except for the occasional relaxation soak, I hadn’t taken a serious bath in, well, forever.

I know why now.

“The dirty water has nowhere to go,” I caught myself saying out loud as I lathered up.

This is how diseases get spread in Third World countries, I surmised in an instant.

You’re just … there. And so is the stuff that you were trying to wash off.

It’s not so bad if you’re linguini, I suppose.

Or a side of beef in a crock pot.

That kind of in-water experience lets the taste seep in just right.

What I was doing wasn’t right at all.

And then there’s this – how in the Sam Hill do you wash your hair in a bathtub?

I tried sticking my head under the faucet. The third-degree burns on the tippy-top of my scalp will indicate my lack of success on this count.

I ended up washing in the sink – which is barely big enough to accommodate a size eight and a quarter noggin like mine.

Problem there was that I couldn’t get the soap out of my hair quick enough.

Yep, I walked around for two days with soap drying on my head.

(Note to self: Need to buy some Denorex the next time I make it out to the Wal-Mart.)

So my hair is a mess, I’m sick as a doggie-dog (coincidence or not, I’ve come down with the flu since the shower problem reared its ugly head).

The first person who sends me an e-mail with the subject line “Calgon, Take Me Away” can kiss my …

 

Chris Graham’s Stop the Presses column appears on this blog on Tuesdays and Fridays. For more on Chris Graham’s humor columns and other fiction writing, visit www.authorchrisgraham.com.