The pundemoanium heats up (summer better than others)
Column by Jim Bishop
I pull up to the gas pump or go to the super market and leave with a sense of asset indigestion (forgive us our debits).
Who’d-a thunk we’d be shelling out four dollars for one gallon of regular gas (even more for high test, even though it probably comes out of the same storage tank) or for a gallon of milk (producers might say that’s simply bovine; I find it hard to swallow).
The cost of stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive (preferably without disco) and continuing to drive keeps escalating to the point we’ve become numb. Thankfully, behind every silver lining is another cloudbank (where you can cash your raincheck), even as more pundrops keep falling on your unsuspecting head. At least it’s not hailing taxis …
One college student noticed another student walking up and down Main Street, wearing a sandwich board that read, “Free Big Mac!” Walking over with a look of concern, the first student asked, “Why? What’d he do?”
Nobody listens to Bugs Bunny; it’s all haresay.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokie Pokey,” died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.
I walked into this posh restaurant, the prices were extortionate, it was daylight snobbery.
I was enamored with the famous Paris art museum. It was Louvre at first site.
Two ladies were discussing the planetarium show they had just seen. One said the show was fantastic. The other agreed but added, “Most of it was over my head.”
The boatyard had a sale advertising the “Ketch of the day.”
I asked if I could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted. They assured me I would be covered.
Which reminds me, I was almost persuaded to invest in a poultry farm, but chickened out at the last minute (that ruffled some feathers).
Speaking of rethinking investments (what’s that?) from up against the Wall Street …
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell “broke.”
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation.
Good news: you can double your pleasure, double your fun: Xerox your paycheck.
You know there are more important things in life than money, but they won’t go out with you if you don’t have any (you can bank on that) …
Dated information: A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months (and a calendar’s days are numbered).
I’d like to go to Holland some day, wooden shoe?
Sign on the door of an Internet hacker: “Gone Phishing.”
The rumor that only strained orange juice is healthy is a good example of pulp fiction (so, concentrate).
When the vampire decided to become a poet, everyone said he went from bat to verse (a vein attempt at humor?).
Rangefinder: one who goes shopping for a new stove (should have left that one on the back burner).
I’m getting a sense of becoming creatively bankrupt as I dig myself a hole. Guess I’ll gopher broke …
The curtains in the room were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real (surreal?).
The men who opened a drapery shop were named Curt and Rod (I know; it really is curtains for me now).
Jim Bishop has (only jest) begun his 38th year of shooting from the lip as public inflammation, er, information officer at Eastern Mennonite University. Please don’t humor him at email@example.com.