The Graham Juggernaut

Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

I’m 35 now, and you know what that means.

Yee-ha, I can run for president.

And so you’re hearing it here first …

I, Chris Graham, hereby declare my candidacy for the presidency of the United States.

Ahem.

And let me tell you, when I get the keys to the White House, there are going to be some changes around this place.

For starters … we’re bombing the hell out of, well, everybody.

Wait, let me clarify – everybody that doesn’t bow down and kiss my pinkie finger.

You know, and then pledge universal and unequivocal support for whatever aims come to mind for me and my administration that particular day.

Sure, there’s a downside – we won’t make as much money off tourism as we do now. But think of the positives – the defense industry will pump life back into the economy.

(And then they won’t be able to say that America doesn’t make anything anymore.)

Two, no more welfare – seriously, get out and get a job; and it won’t be like the defense industry won’t be hiring, what with all the bombs that we’ll be dropping in Europe and Africa and Asia and elsewhere.

Three, health care, schmealth care – we’ve got an overpopulation problem as it is now; it’s called thinning the herd.

Four … let’s see … more bombing. See three.

Five, no more of this pussyfootin’ around with the media through a press secretary and televised press conferences and all that BS.

I’ve got a job to do – and it ain’t to talk to David Gregory at NBC.

In fact, six, let’s divert some public funds to buy NBC and get David Gregory fired.

And maybe we could hire Katie Couric to be the minister of information – such as we need to manipulate information and get it out to people on a need-to-know basis. Anything to get her out of that embarrassing situation at CBS.

I could go on – but I think you can see where I’m going with this.

Bombing, welfare and health-care reform, more bombing, and more bombing, if we can arrange it.

Graham in ’08.

The juggernaut begins here.


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