Oooh, Nooooo, Mr. Jim – not another punneling!

Column by Jim Bishop

Most people lead lives of quiet desperation, observed American writer Henry David Thoreau. I agree thoreau-ly – and so will others who unwittingly wade into this Walden Pond of mirthless muck and find themselves in over their heads.

Ooooh, too late. Might as well tread water, flail your arms about and cry out for the evangelist turned lifeguard – “Yes, I see your hand. Is there another?”

The buses will wait while the Sweet Potato choir sings another chorus of “Just as I Yam” (it could be verse) …

He labored so hard that he worked his fingers to the bonus.

The dictator was upset about the neckwear he had received as a gift. What a tie rant (he should have settled for a Bangkok handshake – a Thai clasp).

He wanted desperately to be a good golfer – you could say he had a driving ambition (that’s about par for the course).

He auditioned for a part as a trumpet player, but he blew it.

Still treading water, Noah? Better look for an ark aid.

The dervish had so much endurance he set a new whirled record.

Any lawyer will tell you that affidavit is better than none at all.

Do people who climb the world’s highest mountain ever rest? Guess that’s why they’re in peak condition.

It’s difficult to escape being a peasant because resistance is feudal (serf’s up).

I’d insert the joke about the airplane here, but it would be way over your head.

Watching your own back is a sign of flexibility (along with standing on your head).

I read Lord of the Rings over and over – force of hobbit.

Who’s that attacking the castle? Must be Sir Nymbas of Cumulus, the legendary Dark and Stormy Night.

Looks like it’s still raining cats and dogs – but that’s better than hailing taxis.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis (no loafing allowed).

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

Let’s stir in a couple daffy-nitions …

Pneumonia: What you get after you’ve had old monia (that’s sick!).

Plateau: a high form of flattery.

Sunburn: a fry in the ointment.

A recent college grad goes to a job interview. The supervisor says, “I’ll give you eight dollars an hour starting today, and in three months, I’ll raise it to 12 dollars an hour. So when would you like to start?” The grad replies, “How ’bout three months from now?”

The executive was interviewing a recent college graduate for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality, so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?” Her quick response, “The living one.”

I went to a seafood disco last week … and pulled a mussel (and then had to flounder around).

Police were called to a daycare where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months, while another who stole corn from a garden was charged with stalking.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What do you say when someone takes your cheese? Leave my provolone.

Chopped cabbage is not just a good idea, it’s the slaw.

A tourist entered the ice-cream parlor and asked, “What kinds of ice cream do you have?” “Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry,” the attendant wheezed as she spoke, then gasped and seemed unable to continue. “Do you have laryngitis?” the out-of-towner asked sympathetically. “Nope,” she whispered, “just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry.”

Two little boys found themselves in a modern-art gallery by accident. “Quick,” said one, “Run! Before they say we did it!”

A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. Asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

Guess this artful dodger didn’t have much Toulouse.

All that’s left to say is, “Viva la France!” (French toast).

Jim (shot from the lip) Bishop continues his wise guise facade as public information officer – flying under the radar – at Eastern Mennonite University. He can be ticketed at bishopj@emu.edu.



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