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The FlyLady | Anger and perfectionism

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When you finally have reached the absolute bottom, and you think there is no place to go, there are always two more places. You can give up entirely and be planted six feet under, or you can scream out for help and start pulling yourself up! You have a choice. The difference is you have to get mad and scream and not give up. 

Anger is not a bad emotion. As women, we have been taught to just take it and not explode with anger. Exploding with anger is rage, and rage is not OK, but giving yourself permission that you are upset and angry is a good thing, and telling the person that you are angry at. When you keep it in, it is like poison. So what do we do to ourselves? We turn anger into sadness, and we feel sorry for ourselves for being mistreated. Then WHAT? The anger goes to sadness and then to depression. We eat to make the hurt go away, or we sleep to not have to deal with what is!

It is all our perfectionism again sandwiched with that procrastination that paralyzes us into depression. I can see you all shaking your heads at me. “How can perfectionism be the foundation to my feeling bad?” Well, here is how it all fits together!

When something goes wrong in our lives, and we can’t fix it, what do we do? We can’t fix it to make it right again, or we can’t change the other person; we want everything back the way it was! Do you see the perfectionism rearing its ugly head? We do everything in our power to control the issues! And make it all better! Only to be shot down time and time again! So if we can’t do it right, what do we do? We were taught to do nothing! I wish that was all we would do, but we have to turn it inward to abuse ourselves.

When we are unable to fix things, we begin to feel guilty because of our inability to make things right or perfect! We then start to beat ourselves up! It is bad enough when we have been abused by others, but now we are abusing the only person that cares for you: YOU!

This is why anger is good! It is focused toward someone else and not yourself. Now, it is not good to be angry all the time because you are in fight-or-flight mode, and when you really need to scream out for help, you will not be able to. Adrenalin is an amazing body chemical. It is a power surge that supplies the energy right when you need it! This is how a mother can lift a car off of a child. I have said it many times, “Too much of a good thing can be bad for you!” Try eating a whole chocolate cake!

I have a good supply of adrenalin now! At one time, I was totally depleted of my resources. I used them all up by always being upset and walking on eggshells. The adrenalin kept me from feeling what was happening inside my own body. It was a drug!

So anger can free you if you use it sparingly! Focus your justified anger toward what is making you angry and not at yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of the situation. Don’t turn it inward to punish yourself when you can’t fix it! You are not responsible for anyone but you! Let go of the guilt, pain and stress and be good to yourself by getting angry at the right person! Then let it go and get on with your life! You have a job to do! You may not know what that job is, but you choose life, too! And if you stick around, the breeze will come your way, and you will set out on your journey. Life is a journey, not a destination.

So, what anger have you been turning inward?

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out Marla Cilley’s website and join her free mentoring group at www.FlyLady.net, listen to her www.blogtalkradio.com/flylady show, or read her books, Sink Reflections, published by Bantam, and her New York Times bestselling book, Body Clutter, published by Fireside. Copyright 2009 Marla Cilley. Used by permission in this publication.

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