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AFP.com Life Blogs: Sunday, Feb. 14

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– Dad’s Point of View: Marriage – it’s complicated
– The Dinner Diva: More veggies
– The FlyLady: Make it fun, and the family will help

A Dad’s Point-of-View: Marriage – it’s complicated
Column by Bruce Sallan
www.brucesallan.com

My wife took me to see Nancy Meyers’ new movie, “It’s Complicated,” which stars Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, and Steve Martin. She had seen it a day or two before and wanted to see it with me saying, “It would be good for us.” Honestly, I do tend to like what is typically labeled “chick flicks” but don’t like director Nancy Meyers’ perfect world, perfect rich characters, perfect looking people, dressed and coifed just perfectly. But, for the sake of marital harmony, I agreed.

I didn’t expect what followed. Throughout the movie, my wife was jabbing me in the ribs whenever she wanted me to notice a point being made that she felt related to me or us. So, I left with bruised ribs, which ached even more toward the end of the movie during the one, truly hilarious scene. I really enjoyed laughing that hard, in spite of the pained ribs, which I’ve totally exaggerated for sympathy anyway.

Without a doubt, the best thing about the movie is that comic scene near the end. “It’s Complicated” is also that rare movie title that really works and has so many other relevant meanings related to life, marriage, raising kids, and even a facebook status.

There’s a definite reason that second marriages fail more than first ones, and third marriages fail even at a higher rate. Our lives are that much more complicated the further we progress in them. Add into the mix children, aging parents, job changes and losses, menopause, weight gain, other health issues, and you tend to wonder how we can get along at all as we get older and these things crop up.

There were countless marital clichés in Ms. Meyer’s movie, like how couples “drift apart,” “don’t work hard enough at it” or wind up “living separate lives,” none of which were necessarily exact quotes from the movie though all were spiritually in tune with the script. My wife wanted me to see how this couple allowed their relationship to aimlessly drift apart, even though they had terrific chemistry and three wonderful kids.

This was a familiar scenario but it made us wonder in discussion afterward, how often couples do give up on each other, don’t put in the effort to keep things vibrant, or as in the case of the movie look elsewhere for affection and love, thus fatally damaging the marriage. Should an affair end a marriage? Well, we’ll address that another time as I have some strong opinions on that subject. In our marriage, we’ve just remained stubborn, set in our ways, and unwilling to change.

That admission notwithstanding, we are equally willing to recognize and own our faults, occasionally admit them out loud, and try and change them. The “try” part is the operative word and mutual challenge. I am very stuck in my habits and patterns. Further, as a couple we’ve become a bit stuck in a cyclical pattern where one of us has hurt feelings and retreats from the relationship with various excuses such as being tired, having work to do, or other equally lame and childish efforts to avoid what is really on our minds. I’ll speak for myself in saying it’s cowardly and I hate when I’m doing it, I’m actually ashamed of myself, but I’m too stubborn to back off. It’s a classic lose-lose, but I’m right in my mind, even when I’m sleeping on the couch.

I know I’m not alone in these sorts of interactions as I hear examples of them every Monday night in my men’s group. I thank God for these men as they remind me how often it is my reaction that aggravates the situation when my wife says something I find upsetting. To take a phrase from our group, how I “show up” makes all the difference in whether a small incident escalates to a fight or I can “let it go,” maybe give my wife a hug even when I’m irritated with her, and move on vs. hang on.

In a recent therapy session, our therapist had some wise words. He said that in the vast majority of marital arguments, both sides are to some degree or another, right. But, what difference does it make? What good is being right if your partner, whom you supposedly love, is upset? Frankly, it’s childish. I stand by my rightness far too much and I lose as a result, let alone that I’ve hurt the woman I love and chose to share my life with.

Yes, relationships are complicated. But, it takes two to make them work or fail and I’m grateful that I have a partner who is willing to admit her mistakes as readily as I will admit mine. Where there’s that kind of communication, there’s hope and every chance to have a beautiful, nurturing, relationship. Stay tuned.

 

The Dinner Diva: More veggies
Column by Leanne Ely
www.savingdinner.com

Did you know that if you eat more fruits and vegetables, you are half as likely to develop cancer as those who eat the least amount of these foods?

There are irrefutable facts to support this statement. It’s not just pie in the sky dreaming; it’s a true promise. Eat more fruits and vegetables, and increase the odds in your favor of living a cancer free life! Is that not incredible?

I know I am constantly beating the fruit and vegetable drum to y’all. I can’t help it when I read as much as I do. The amazing thing to me is that bazillions of dollars are spent on researching chronic diseases and for all the pills and treatments out there, nothing is as effective as being preventative by doing a simple thing like eating more fruits and vegetables. Wouldn’t it be incredible if we were to actually take seriously what we know to be true and actually eat the amount of produce we should each and every day? How do you suppose we could affect change in those statistics?

Here’s some scary stuff to ponder:
*More than 125 million people have some sort of chronic illness.
*About half of chronically ill Americans are under the age of 45, and 15 percent of that number are CHILDREN with chronic conditions!
*It is estimated that 300,000 to 800,000 preventable deaths per year in the United States are nutrition related. Did you see that?? NUTRITION RELATED DEATH! That means the junk you eat can literally kill you!

It’s time for a revolution, people! Are you ready for it?

It’s time to go green. Green as in boosting your green eating power to get the nutrition our bodies need. Let me ask you something. If there is a direct correlation between good health and doing this ONE thing—eating plenty of fruits and veggies each day, why wouldn’t we all eagerly be doing this?

I am going to challenge each and everyone of you to do what you can to get more green, more yellow, more orange and more red in your meals, each and everyday. Eat by color—green for beans, broccoli, spinach, kiwis and lettuces. Yellow for squash and bananas, orange for oranges and sweet potatoes and red for apples and peppers. Yes we can do this!

And the best way is making veggie soups, lots of them. Here’s a wicked good green soup that is double the green to make you healthy and lean! Enjoy!

Cream of Green Soup
Makes about 8 cups
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, pressed
1 (10-oz.) bag frozen chopped broccoli
1 (10-oz.) bag frozen spinach
2 cups chicken broth
2 cups lowfat milk
1 teaspoon thyme
Salt and pepper to taste

In a soup pot, heat olive oil over medium high heat and cook onion. When onion is translucent, add garlic and broccoli and chicken broth. Cook till broccoli is tender, about 3 minutes or so. Now add the spinach, thyme, salt and peppering to taste. Cook till all is tender and good, about 5 more minutes.

You can blend this soup (that’s what I do) and serve hot with a 1/2 tablespoon lowfat cheddar cheese on top. It’s really good!

Nutritional Information (per serving): 123 Calories; 6g Fat; 8g Protein; 11g Carbohydrate; 2g Dietary Fiber; 5mg Cholesterol; 473mg Sodium. Exchanges: 0 Grain (Starch); 0 Lean Meat; 1 Vegetable; 1/2 Non-Fat Milk; 1 Fat.

 

The FlyLady: Make it fun, and the family will help
Column by Marla Cilley
www.flylady.net

As sidetracked people, we are put off by anything that sounds like mundane housework! We are a fun-loving people. Why do we have to be stuck doing jobs that we think will take us forever, when others are out having great time?

I have heard you many times as well as my own voice. We have a challenge every day to muster up enough gumption to get us moving. This is why I have tried to make it fun.

Timers have added an extra bit of fun and challenge to a project, but they also keep us on track. We all need to be reminded from time to time what we are working on. We can stay focused if all we have to do is 15 minutes. Children love timers, too.

Housework is such an ugly word. This is why I have tried to help you realize that you are not working when you are blessing your family! We have been raised to believe that house cleaning is an all-day affair. No one needs to spend that kind of time maintaining your home. When you establish your routines and start dancing through your day with every move blessing your family, it is not like work at all!

I have always hated to dust. My mother made us remove everything from the tables, then dust and put everything back; it took what seemed hours. Now all I do is pull out my magic feather dusting wand and buzz around my home while I am on the phone and before I know it, our whole home, every surface has been dusted. No mess or fuss! It has been done and I felt like a fairy princess gliding and dancing around my home. When was the last time you had that much fun dusting.

If you take two minutes and feather dust every day, you will never have to see dusty finger streaks on your furniture. You know the ones where someone in the family writes, “DUST ME!” In fact you may never see dirt and dust again.

A real feather duster is a fun tool and mine even has some purple feathers in it. I feel so special when I use it. Just let me warn you, they can be addictive. When your family sees how much fun you are having, they will want to do it for you! This is kind of like Tom Sawyer whitewashing the fence. Children love them too; a tool becomes a toy that does a job in the hands of your babies. Of course, you have to set the example and teach them how to use it.

Have you ever wondered how to get your children excited about keeping their rooms clean? I have a friend who figured it out many years ago and now she is making it available to everyone. Her creativity has children cleaning their rooms all over the world. Pam Young created the persona of the House Fairy. Go check out this other great tool for our children; www.HouseFairy.org. Your children will run to clean their rooms.

Housework doesn’t have to be dreaded, it can become a fun family game with everyone pitching in. You just need to make it enjoyable.

Contributors

Contributors

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