Jim Bishop | Reader Advisory: Quickly Scratch this Page and Flea

A statement under my dad’s senior class photo in the 1939 Doylestown (Pa.) High School yearbook reads, “Takes everyone’s advice, then does as he pleases.”
I can testify that Dad lived up to that description all the years I knew him. He was his own person, marching to the beat of a different drummer.

I’ve heard “advice” defined as “what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.”

Regular readers of this column already sense what’s coming – another assault and pepper on your common sense(s) from your Punsylvania Punjab. What follows has been rated PG-13 (persons over or under 13 strongly cautioned). I recommend that you go directly to solving the Sudoku puzzle.

For anyone still reading this – you must be a brute for pun-ishment.

So, let’s take these under advisement:

To men over 40: Don’t worry about losing hair; think of it as gaining face.

Sign in restaurant window: “Eat here and you’ll never eat anyplace else again.”

Waiter: “I recommend the hash. The cook put all he’s got into it.”

Waiter: “We’ve got everything on the menu.”

Me: “You sure do. Can you bring me a clean one?”

More advice – never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Decimals have a point.

Woman about date: “He’s a regular Don Yawn.”

Teacher: “Johnny, spell ‘weather.'”

Johnny: “W-e-t-t-h-e-r.”

Teacher: “That’s the worst spell of weather we’ve had for some time.”

The first insurance agent was David – he gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

Sign in a pharmacy – “We dispense with accuracy.”

Middle age: about ten years older than you are.

I bought a new computer,

It came completely loaded.

It was guaranteed for 90 days

But in 30 was outmoded.

(Someone dropped a rubber band into my computer; now it makes snap decisions).

Flattery is soft soap and 90 percent lye.

A man put coins in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it. “Now that’s real automation,” he exclaimed. “It even drinks for you!”

A speaker opened his remarks by saying, “My job is to speak to you today. As I see it, your job is to listen. If you should finish before I do, will you please raise your hand.”

The first accountant to be hired by a circus was caught juggling the books.

“Maintenance-free” means that when it breaks, it can’t be fixed.

Son to father: “Here’s my report card . . . and I’m tired of watching TV anyway.”

Two men were listening to a politician campaigning for office. “He uses a lot of big words, doesn’t he?” one man said. I don’t know what he’s talking about half the time.” “Oh,” his friend replied, “he uses them because he knows if everybody knew what he was talking about they’d know he didn’t know what he was talking about.”

Show me a man convicted of two crimes and I’ll show you a compound sentence.

Some more advice – never toss eggs into an electric fan; the yolk will be on you (along with a case of shell-shock).

A stewed chef sat pie-eyed as the crusty judge took his caraway, a punish mint a long thyme cumin.

The cowboy dismounted on the spur of the moment to stirrup some trouble, bridled at being arrested and saddled the sheriff with a bit of a problem.

A blockbuster movie has just been released about sweet potatoes, “The Silence of the Yams.”

My first job was peddling designer clothing. I was a Dior to Dior salesman.

They say curiosity killed the cat, and they weren’t kitten.

If intervening was an Olympic sport, he’d win the gold meddle.

More advice – never approach a hungry elephant with peanuts on your breath (you’ll never forget it).

Some orchestra conductors make their mark in the world of opera. They were in the right aria at the right time.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

For the few brave souls still with me, these final words of advice – steer clear of future columns like this one, unless you take sadistic pleasure in being punneled around the head.

Then again, it feels so good when it stops.

 

Column by Jim Bishop


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