Jim Bishop: Punny Business You’ll A-Door: An Open and Shut Case?

Column by Jim Bishop

Operating from the [erroneous] assumption that it can be done, I’ve taken it upun myself once again to locate a good pun.

So far, I haven’t been able to opun the door. Let me pry this …

“Knock-knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Luck.”

“Luck who?”

“Luck through the key hole and find out.”

Nope, no response. But, if at first I don’t succeed, I can always blame someone else …

“Maintenance-free” means that when it breaks, it can’t be fixed.

The accountant hired by a circus was caught juggling the books.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Edison proved the road to success is paved with good inventions.

(Columnist Dave Barry noted that Edison invented the phonograph so he could play his BB King records).

Ever hear the rope joke? If not, I’ll skip it – for another knock-knock opportunity (and opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment)

Wife: “Knock-knock!”

Husband: “Who’s there?”

Wife: “What’s for supper?”

Husband: “What’s for supper who?”

Wife: “Take out.”

Husband: “Take out who?”

Wife: “Me.”

A minister asked a little girl what she thought of the church service. “The music was nice,” she replied, “but the commercial was too long.”

First student: “Is Paris in England?”

Second student: “No, Paris is in France.”

First student: “Oh, well. I was never very good at geometry.”

Mr. Webster declares these daffy-nitions are Noah count …

Braces: a bite in shining armor.

Crab: fiddler on the reef.

Earthquake: a topographical error.

Flat rate: the monthly rent for an apartment.

Flattery: soft soap and 90% lye.

Geologist: a fault finder.

Gobbledygook: what Americans do to fast food.

Grand Canyon: the hole of fame.

Month: the longest distance between two paydays.

Two guys were talking about a local politician. “Did you hear his last speech?” asked the first. “I sure hope so,” replied the second.

“Knock-knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Old lady.”

“Old lady, who?”

“I didn’t know you could yodel.”

What do you put in an urban garden to watch over your beets? A metrognome.

The first archery contestant won by an arrow margin.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

A man and his ladyfriend were out to dinner. The waiter tells them the night’s special is almond chicken and fresh fish. “The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that,” the woman says. The waiter nods. “And the vegetable?” he asks. “Oh, he’ll have the fish,” she replies.

Harry and Clem the carpenters, argued mightily on how best to complete the dinette set they were working on. They finally agreed to table the discussion.

Howl about soft-peddling a few more Rhettorical questions (gone with the Schwinn)?

If a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear it, then who will notify the next of kindling?

How do you tell a real cliff from a bluff?

Why did the three little pigs leave home? Their father was an awful boar.

Q. What makes the Tower of Pisa lean?

A. It never eats.

Rumor has it that Conrad Hilton is purchasing the Leaning Tower of Pisa. He’s going to call it the Tiltin’ Hilton.

Savings accounts are like toothpaste – easy to take out but hard to put back.

Gas prices are a crude awakening.

“You know, at my last performance I had the audience glued to their seats,” boasted the actor. “Really?” replied his latest costar. “How clever of you to think of it.”

“This coffee is terrible,” the customer said. “What kind is it?” “It’s blended coffee,” the waitress said. “”Blended? the customer asked. “What kind of blend?” “Last week’s and this week’s,” the waitress said.

Behold, I still stand at the door and knock-knock (no joke) …

“Knock-knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Nobel.”

“Nobel who?”

“Nobel, that’s why I knocked!”

The rest is silence …



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