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Jim Bishop: Opun the window … but watch out for the pane

Column by Jim Bishop
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What is that distinct, almost overpowering aroma?

Spring hath sprang, or is it sprung? – sounds like something just broke – in the Valley of the Shenandoah, so fling wide the doors, throw up the window sashes (bet they’re sticking because they, although inanimate objects, innately know what’s coming) and allow some fresh, fragrant breezes to waft over your being, flooding your senses.

Because, you’ll quickly come to your senses once you realize that it’s an ill wind – probably a Nor’easter from Punsylvania – that carries aloft another rash of allergy-generating anecdotes and quixotic quips . . .

The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales and gave himself a weigh.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. I also have a fear of needles. They really get under my skin.

I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

My friend Max hates going up steep hills. He’s always been a bit of an anti-climb Max. It’s all down hill from here, folks . . .

It was a glorious way to spend the day, wading in a favorite trout stream after placing several hooks into deep, dark pools. The problem was, he was playing golf.

Budget: a detailed record of how you managed to spend more than you earned; a systematic arrangement for going into debt, culminating on April 15, the day your income becomes a collector’s item.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Gutenberg created the typographical era.

Tofu is over-rated, it’s just a curd to me.

I plug my guitar into all kinds of amplifiers. It’s an eclectic guitar.

Of course, I can’t coast along without peddling more Rhettorical questions (gone with the Schwinn) . . .

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.

Isn’t designating a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so postal carriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

How do you party in outer space? You planet.

What does the king do when he belches? He issues a royal pardon (a crowning achievement?).

Global warming is quite the heated topic. Better chill out . . .

My girlfriend and I started to date after she backed her car into mine. We met by accident. This is not to be confused with the cheerleaders who ran into each other by chants.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Now that spring is here, I’ve made up my mind to re-lay my lawn. It was a turf decision.

A carpenter came to work on our home improvement project. I saw dust. He was last seen biting his nails, then walking the plank (pirated from the lumbar region).

As soon as the new windows are installed, I’ll draw this to a close (a small window of opportunity). If it wasn’t for the venetian blinds, it would be curtains for all of us.

Warning: there are more odious one-liners blowin’ in the wind, in and out of season (and as always, summer better than others).