I was floored

Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

“I’m trying to move a floor here. What do you need?”

This was my weekend, ladies and germs.

Home improving, I was.

Yes, you read that right.

Chris Graham – working with his hands.

“It’s moved … a millimeter. One more, and it will line up.”

On a positive note, I picked up from the experience the valuable lesson that I’m not totally helpless.

I had assumed this most of my life, of course – but that was B.B.

Before Bathroom.

It had been my bright idea in the first place to replace the carpet in our main bathroom with a hardwood floor.

When I had the thought, of course, it was with the idea in mind that somebody else would do the work.

“No way, Buster Brown. You’re not going to any driving range,” my wife said after we’d purchased the flooring.


My plans for the day altered, I rolled up my sleeves and …

“Hey, Kayla, you want to spend the night? We’re doing something fun – and you can help.”

My oldest niece is nothing if not helpful.

She gets that from … somebody in the gene pool.

“Uncle Chris, I thought you were going to do some work on this, too,” she said at one point in the proceedings, interrupting me from a repeat of “Deal Or No Deal.”

I finally pitched in when it came time to try to get the floor properly in place.

The missus and the niece had the tiles down – but there were a few telltale spots where some adjusting needed to be done.

“It looks like he’s about to bust a vein on his forehead,” Kayla said at one point as I efforted to move flooring that was already in place almost imperceptibly to get it looking just so.

After what seemed to be an eternity at this …

“I give up,” I declared, then went back to “Deal Or No Deal.”

Beckoned back to the front lines, I spent the next couple of hours moving the floor – and got to the point where I felt like I knew what I was doing.

“I can’t believe it – you actually accomplished something here,” the wife said when all was said and done.

I couldn’t believe it, either.

And as long as the secret doesn’t get out – that I am capable of manual labor – well …


Chris Graham’s Stop the Presses column appears on this blog on Tuesdays and Fridays. For more on Chris Graham’s humor columns and other fiction writing, visit www.authorchrisgraham.com.

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