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I could never run for president

Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham

OK, so I was thinking the other day about how I might want to run for president one day in the future.

I just turned 35, so we’re talking, I don’t know, maybe 2028?

Anyway …

The more I think about it, the more I think I’m probably going to want to beat my potential adversaries to the punch regarding any and all scandals that I’ve been involved in over the years.

You know, how like Barack Obama owned up to having used cocaine back in the day. And how Rudy Giuliani has gone on and on and on about how he’s now on his third wife, and admitted to mistakes regarding the use of public funds for security for #3 back when he was still married to #2.

Er … so maybe I’m more like Obama in this respect.


Point being, it might make sense for me to head things off at the pass, so to speak.

Which is my excuse for bringing back, for the first time in several years, the Top Five list rubric to delve into The Top Five Things That Could Keep Me From Being Elected President If I Were To Not Admit Them Up Front.


#5: Interns.

No, I’m not Bill Clinton here or anything. But I have had interns, they’ve been attractive, and these kinds of things can tend to lead to stories being told.

I don’t know, personally, that there’s much to tell here …

Well, the one last year convinced me to do a MySpace page (that I haven’t kept up with at all since she left).

Oh, and then I assigned her a story on Internet dating that included me having her go on a speed date in Lynchburg.

(That’s the one that will end up coming back to bite me in the arse, methinks.)


#4: That Office Affair That I Had That One Time.

(Seems to be a pattern here with things involving me and those of the feminine persuasion, don’t it?)
Yep, it’s true. I messed around with the editor back at the first paper that I worked at – for about a year.

It turned out better than most of those kinds of things do.

(We ended up getting married.)


#3: That Time I Cussed A Lot At A UVa. Basketball Game.

I’m remembering back to the 2002 UVa.-Duke basketball game in U Hall when I cursed like a drunken sailor with Tourette’s the entire first half, which if I remember correctly was being officiated by three guys with the last name Krzyzewski.

And then I was surprised when a guy from the front row came back to shake my hand at halftime.

“Hi, Chris. I thought that was your voice.”

It was Sixth District Congressman Bob Goodlatte.

Guess I can’t count on his endorsement in ’28.


#2: Two words: Skinny Dipping.


#1: The Loogie Incident.

I can’t divulge any more (on the advice of an attorney).

Suffice it to say that I tried to mention it (by name only) several years ago in my old News Virginian column, but when the editor asked me to give her details, and I obliged, on background, she made me take it out.

(Note from Chris’ Wife, Who Has Been Given The Whole Story: It is the absolute grossest story that you will ever hear. There is no way this doofus will ever be elected president).

augusta free press
augusta free press