Don’t stop me if you’ve heard this before …

Column by Jim Bishop

bishopj.jpgI’m at the point where jokes about old people don’t seem all that amusing.
It’s painful to laugh – in more ways than one.
However, I did hear a couple lately – and I’m thankful for the gift of hearing, even though my spouse isn’t sure how much I use it – that met the approval of this aging boomer. Here’s a sampling:

An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems went to the doctor who fitted him for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly.

The man returned to the doctor a month later, and the doctor said, “Your hearing has improved 100 percent. I’ll bet your family is pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told them yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I’ve changed my will three times.”

Morris, 82, went to the doctor for a physical. Several days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. He saw Morris again later and said, “You’re doing really great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc – ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.'”

Three old guys are out walking. The first one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”

Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a drink.”

When two antique dealers meet, does one say to the other, “So what else is old?”

Face it, young and fast eventually loses to old and sneaky.

As the writer of Ecclesiastes observed, “There is nothing new under the sun,” even anecdotes like these that just might burn you up …

To know avail is to know a scarf.

I used to be able to clap with just one hand. But that was Zen, this is Tao.

Cleopatra was the Pharaohs one of all (until she asped for breath).

When traveling between Russia and Alaska, you first must get your Bering Strait.

A man brought his retriever to the vet for some tests and had to pay a lab fee.

The decision to begin construction on the Empire State Building was a groundbreaking event.

Let’s update a couple old saws (these might be cutting remarks, but they lack teeth):

A penny saved … is a government oversight.

He who hesitates … is probably right.

A journey of a thousand miles … begins with a cash advance.

A bird in the hand … can be awfully messy (and is safer than two overhead).

A stitch in time … would have confused Einstein.

Don’t judge a book … by its movie.

The pessimist may be right in the long run … but the optimist has a better time during the trip.

The way some people love to find fault … you’d think there was a reward.

No compendium of awful anecdotes and cracked corn would be complete without a few more Rhettorical questions (gone with the Schwinn):

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why do you turn the radio down in the car when looking for a street address?

Why is it called “rush hour” when nothing moves?

If you crash into a Volkswagen Golf, does that make a hole in one?

Whatever your age, remember that a woman never shot a man while he was doing dishes.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Don’t mess with the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.

And we’ll wind things up/down – hope you’re not already ticked off – with a couple daffynitions:

Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

Jury: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.

Liberal: Too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist.

Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.

Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

Wrinkles: Something other people have. I have character lines.

The older I get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Anytime I find myself wanting to return to my teen-age years, I just remember algebra.

Eventually, we reach an age where we stop lying about our age and start bragging about it. So, remember – when you’re over the hill, you pick up speed.

Outa my way ..!

Jim (Oldie But Goodie) Bishop plays Solitaire and watches vintage cartoons on his computer in the (wise) guise of public-information officer – what an arresting title – at Eastern Mennonite University. Wake him and shake him at bishopj@emu.edu.

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