David Reynolds: Wait ‘Til Next Year

Two thousand and ten was a very good year. With a few adjustments here and there, mainly here, 2011 will be an even better year. Here are the adjustments:

– My friends (both of them) drop Facebook so that we can start talking again face-to-face. And their cellphones are banned, except when talking to me.

– Kroger levels its parking lot. This will mean fewer trips to take dents out of the side of my car. Those shopping carts are wicked.

– Government public hearings next year will not require translators or hearing aids. For more on this subject read my latest book, “When In Doubt, Mumble.”

– W&L exceeds its modest fund raising goal of a half a billion bucks. This allows the university to drop charges for indoor tennis.

– VMI downgrades its football program to NCAA Division II. W&L upgrades its football program to the same level. A bowl game is played in Lexington on New year’s Day. It snows.

– My 16 year streak of not finding a parking ticket on my windshield continues. However, this is unlikely with new fines of up to $120. That kind of money is too tempting for Lexington’s finest not to finally sock it to me.

– VDOT stops all planning on I-81. Instead it decides to lay rails.

– Interstate 81 is designated a Virginia Byway. All trucks are banned. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

– I move to the third floor of the completed CornerStone Bank building. It has a balcony overlooking Times Square.

– The IDA, BOS, BV, RACC and the LCC agree on the RRR. But first they all need to get out of their alphabet soup.

– The landfill gets a new lease on life. As a result the incinerator is no longer a burning issue. And everyone stops talking trash.

– The “BV Downtown Outlet Mall” opens. Outlet malls are the malls of the future. They can be built anywhere. Even on golf courses.

– BV’s newest hot music night spot is its former police station. A fellow named Dave Matthews from Charlottesville was a principal bond holder of the former Vista Links golf course.

– Pitcher Cliff Lee pays off the total debt on Vista Links, using part of his new $150 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. The Phillies manager Charlie Manuel promised Lee not to yank him before the sixth inning if he pays off Charlie’s home town’s golf course note. (Another note: C. Lee, not R. E. Lee, was offered $30 million more by the Yankees. But the pitcher said, “Who wants to live in New York?”)

– The Commonwealth axes its Composite Index for allotting school funds. Buena Vista and Lexington consider consolidating their schools with the county’s. But only for two minutes.

– Effinger Elementary reopens its doors as a consolidated charter school. Central Elementary is closed. It becomes Central Middle School. Murray River Middle School is detonated.

– Frank Sinatra returns. So do lyrics we can understand.

– Creigh Deeds runs again. This time as a Virginia Democrat. No national Dems need apply to help on the campaign. Creigh now knows who his friends are.

– Bob Goodlatte again puts his political finger into the wind and discovers that the new GOP leadership and his constituents not only wish to hear how Bob plans to cut federal spending, but they also want Bob to do something about it. Bob follows John Boehner’s lead and drops his earmarks.

– Ben Cline, aka as Bob Lite, follows Bob’s new religion. He decides to go after the teachers union. The Virginia Lottery ad agency is relieved.

– Emmett Hanger records the new state song. How long did that take, Emmett?

– Tenure is dropped for all area professors. An editorial in the Wall Street Journal says that the Rockbridge, Virginia area has the three best colleges and the best chocolate found anywhere.

– An anonymous conservative contributor gives WREL $800 in order to put Rush Limbaugh on the station for a month. Liberals begin raising money to keep music on the air.

– In keeping with its “Go Green” policy, plastic cups can not be used by W&L students and staff while flying on commercial airlines. However, the airlines fail to agree with W&L to stop burning jet fuel. The Environmental Defense Fund is called into the dispute.

– President Obama gears up to run for a second term. His winning campaign theme: America can not afford another first term.

– U. S. Sen. Jim Webb decides to call it quits. One term is enough. When you are a good writer why waste time drafting legislation.

– George Allen announces that he will run for his old senate seat, the seat where Mr. Webb is now sitting. If George loses he will join brother Bruce. Together they will run the Washington Redskins, a much tougher job. They say they owe it to their dad.

That’s “thirty” for now. Stick around for 2011. It will be quite a year. To quote Dad and Coach Allen, “The future is now.”

Column by David Reynolds

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