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David Reynolds | Baked brains

It was a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, Minn. Ditto for Rockbridgeland, Va. Except here the summer sun was hotter than up north. It may have baked a few brains. How else can you explain our local happenings? We all know that when you spend too much time in the noon day sun the mind can play some strange tricks. With the summer winds blowing in and the college kids having blown out, we end up with too much time on our hands. And just like our kids we create mischief. Here are a few of the mischievous things we have recently created: 

– The heated heads decided that where I live, a low pressure area where water comes down from heaven but little out of the faucet, we will not use the fire hydrants for their intended purpose. You see, some public service authority is embarrassed that our water pressure is too low to fight a fire and take a shower at the same time. And to make matters worse, my friends along Thornhill Road don’t care to have a new water storage tank in either their front or back yards. But my neighbor and I have solved the great local water problem, which for some strange reason doesn’t bother our local country club which waters its lovely greens and fairways whenever it so chooses. The two of us have agreed that if one of our houses is burning the other will step out of the shower, wrap a towel around themselves and proceed to exercise his Second Amendment rights. He will open the nearest fire hydrant at gun point.

– The feared invasion of thousands of boy scouts to paradise is still a hot topic. One report by those opposed to the invasion had numbers as high as 300,000 boys in short brown pants crawling all over Goshen Pass. When their number hits a million, I will unplug my computer and bear arms. This invasion must be stopped. We owe it our children — if not to West Virginia or Arkansas. Those places don’t seem to mind being invaded every four years. They probably enjoy the seven year locusts, as well.

– The effort to obtain broadband for our area is also heating up. Yet only a few know what it is really about. Some say speed. Others say capacity. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that it is new and high tech. Everyone loves both. But I know what it is all about: We won’t have to think anymore, just carry around our laptops, and our heads in our laps.

– The Rockbridge Partnership was buried before summer arrived — some years after RAEDC died. It just goes to show that a new name and logo doesn’t always work.

– The Valley Conservation Council presented an award for the new courthouse. Not quite sure why. Just as well. No need to further embarrass the VCC.

– The Rail Solution folks have been able for three decades to keep secret their plan to keep 18-wheelers off Eighty One. Not a bad record. Maybe they are all CIA retirees. In the meantime I will provide funds to start a model railroad. We all need to be comforted.

– VDOT thought it was a good idea to close down rest stops along the interstates to kill off tired drivers. When I heard the news, I thought it was a joke. Then I remembered that government does not have a sense of humor. Now another VDOT brain baked idea has surfaced: commercialize the remaining rest stops so that tourists need not help the local economy. Sounds like another killer.

– WREL took Rush Limbaugh off the air due to his $800 monthly fee. That breaks down to $12.70 per hour. His replacement, Laura Ingraham, costs the station nothing. She is well worth it. Too bad WREL can’t move left. Al Franken, the former standup, has a new seat.

– The City of Lexington introduced recycling for those living within the county seat, but not for those living in the county, which, of course, could only happen in Virginia. The city, an economic stimulus free zone, has shown concern for the planet Earth, but, as usual, little for its own taxpayers. That is because our little Lex knows that it is a far better place than those copycats elsewhere. So it did it its way. It added a recycling run to its twice weekly trash runs. Other Lexington’s, and most other towns, dropped the second trash pick up and substituted it by collecting recyclables. It was easy. Up to 75% of all trash is picked up at the beginning of the week. (We will dig more into this matter before coming clean with all the dirty details.)

But please don’t give up on paradise. We love it for what it is. Even in the summer. Fall will soon be here and cooler heads will prevail. But don’t count on it. We have the governor’s race coming up. As for the rest of the summer, don’t forget to wear a hat. Your brains will thank you. Come to think of it, maybe global warming is as grave as some say.


– Column by David Reynolds

augusta free press
augusta free press