Stop the Presses column by Chris Graham
It just occurred to me – how silly this whole Two Virginias thing is.
And no, I’m not channeling John Edwards here.
I’m talking about how there’s a Virginia and a West Virginia.
Really – do we need to have a Maginot Line separating the two of us?
I mean, I realize that we’ve been split longer than we were together – ever since the Civil War, not even 80 years into our run as a member of the Union.
But I also realize that the only reason that we were torn asunder was that Union troops were able to occupy the western part of the state and break it off to suit Ol’ Abe’s political whims.
Honestly, that’s been so long ago now.
I think it’s plain stupid that I am considered a resident of Western Virginia – when there’s an entire state of Virginia to the west.
And it’s different from East Virginia … how, again?
I know that East Virginians like to turn their noses down to the Western cousins – but, come on, it’s not like there aren’t folks on this side of the Appalachians who haven’t kissed a first cousin or two or more.
And I once had a next-door neighbor who decorated the broken-down truck that he had sitting in his front yard with Christmas lights.
Yes, it happens over on this side of the Iron Curtain, ladies and germs.
Think of the advantages of us reunifying – economies of scale from merging the two state governments, Bruce Hornsby finally gets to cover some of his favorite John Denver classics …
I could go on – but I think the point is well-established at this stage.
And I don’t want to stop here. I can see us unifying the Two Carolinas, then going out west and bringing back together the Two Dakotas.
That would give us the opportunity later on to bring the District of Columbia into the fold as a full-fledged state – in addition to Puerto Rico.
That last one there is important to a lot of people, for one key reason – I was watching a commercial for one of those erectile-dysfunction drugs the other day …
(Er, not because I have any personal interest in what they have to offer. No. Not me.)
… And I noticed in the small print that some offer that they were schlepping to their customers wasn’t valid in Puerto Rico.
Which made me feel bad for guys in Puerto Rico who have a hard time, you know, raising the national flag.
So we take care of that …
And we still have one open spot left to get us back to 50.
I’m thinking of annexing Canada, personally.
I think it should be obvious as to why.
Three letters: O-I-L. As in, they export more of it to us than any other country.
Plus, hey, maybe they can bring some of their national health care down here with them.