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Chris Saxman: Cold Fusion-Slurpee Edition

As I shared with you in earlier Cold Fusions, I am blessed with picking up our 12 year old daughter, Nora, from school. Remember that I told you that my job consisted of buying her a Slurpee from the local 7-11 as a way to “transition” her to dwelling amongst the rest of us.

I am happy to report that I have been promoted!

Yes, now I get to buy a Slurpee every day. And it’s not just because temps in the Valley are starting hit in the ’80s. Nope. A couple of these Slurpees have been purchased because I did the primary job – picking her up and just listening – incorrectly.

When WILL I learn that our job is to just be there and listen? How hard is that? Well, I found out….and it now costs me about $2 a day. Not a bad toll really…because while I am “listening”, I am also scouring the landscape for VW Bugs and making up for all those times when she found the Punch Buggy first. Muwahahahah…..

Lesson In Not Listening #1 – I pulled up to the Pick Up Zone at school and she almost dove into the car saying “JUST GO!” And what did I do? Stupid me asked, “What’s the matter?”

“Dad, just GO! Don’t even look at him!”

* Who?


Moronically, I managed to actually swallow the hook – *Him Who?

Looking dead at me with eyes WIDE open and mouth perfectly still “Dad, if you even look at HIM, I will KILL you!”

The hook is now halfway down my esophagus at this point.

*Sweetie – who are you talking about?  – Name made up to protect the innocent and still bewildered….


Of course, I look up at this point and who is looking right at me? Yup, Jacob. And what do I do? Push that hook down into the entire digestive tract with….

*Hey Jacob!

“DAD! Oh. My. GOD!

Now, we are driving away and I am totally lost. Nora on the other hand is laser focused and her sight is set on me.

“If you speak to HIM again, I will LITERALLY cut off your FACE!”



My head spins recalling the conversation that followed but basically Jacob is now her EX. He was declared such because Nora is just not going to be held back in her life.

“DAD! I am going to be in the EIGHTH GRADE! I do NOT need a boy friend!”

Okay Pumpkin…oh look! 7-11!

Lesson #2 – I picked Nora up from basketball practice. I was late and on the phone. Strikes One and Two, Mister. Did I choke up and try to just make contact with the next pitch? Nope. Stared at Strike Three -A Big. Fat. Slow One….right down the middle of the plate.

What did I do? Ohhhhh….just stayed on the phone all the way to the 7-11 and pulled my wallet offering her a nice crisp Andy Jackson $20 bill. That’s all.

Her look could have froze a frog in mid air.

Did I put two and two together? Nope…stayed on the phone as she refused the Slurpee.

We go home and she storms in the house slamming the basement door followed by the slamming of the bedroom door.

Later I was told, by her mother, which sections of the Code of Proper Male Conduct I had violated and I apologized – sincerely, in fact. I felt bad about it. Still do.

She informed me that I would be taking her to dinner the next night and that her dessert would be cannolis.

Yes, ma’am.

Not a problem! If this is my punishment, I’m okay with it! So, I start to get ready to take Nora out on a date to our favorite Italian restaurant in town, when she calls out to me, “Hey, Dad? Can you take Emily and me to the JV baseball game?”

*Sure Sweetie! I would love to watch a game with you!

“No dad. I meant drop us off.”  Ouch.

Which brings us to some words of wisdom for the Mitt Romney Campaign as they try to win the votes of women – single and married – really, just listen.

And as Crash Davis (Kevin Costner) taught Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh (Tim Robbins) in Bull Durham – “Don’t Think. It can only hurt the ball club.”

Just. Listen.

No, no…..don’t…..just….STOP….would you JUST LISTEN!?

Unless you want to drop them off at the JV game.

Like I’m Totally Not Even Kidding.

augusta free press
augusta free press