Chris Saxman: Cold Fusion – Multiple Choice Test Akin v Biden 2012 Edition.
In 2000, US Senate Candidate and former Missouri Governor Mel Carnahan died in a plane crash two weeks before his election with US Senator from Missouri John Ashcroft. Even though he was DEAD, Mel Carnahan of Missouri won.
Which state in the Union did this election take place?
D. Lower East Slobovia
Akin – “Can you repeat the question?”
Biden “Yeah, repeat it. My boss says there are 57 states after all.”
Host – Over to you, Vice President Biden.
In which state does the city of Danville, Virginia physically exist?
B. West Virginia
C. East Virginia
D. Maryland Virginia
Biden “North Carolina.”
Host – No. I’m sorry, the answer is A – Virginia. Zero points this round.
Host – Since you both have been in politics for a long time now, Staying On Message is essential to winning campaigns. In a down economy with unemployment over 8% for 40 months in a row, which is the best response to this question “What are your priorities on abortion, marriage and gun control?”
A. Social issues are very divisive and our nation needs to come together. This country is mired in debt, unemployment and stagnating economic growth. The economy is the most important social issue today.
B. Decaffeinated coffee
C. Myanmar, formerly Burma
D. Sciatic Nerve
Akin – “Doctors say my sciatic nerve acts up when I don’t stretch my hamstrings. So, I’ll take D – Sciatic Nerve.”
Host – No, sorry. Vice President Biden?
Biden – “Well I was going to with D too. Hey, R 2 D 2. That thing from Star Wars! C – Myanmar. The former Burma Shave.”
Host – Nope. Sorry…A. We were looking for a messaging strategy aimed at the economy. Yeah…..Okay. Round Three.
Host – When everyone, and we mean everyone, other than your blood relatives and your opposition, want you to step down off the ballot, what is the best course of action for you to take?
A. Ride it out and ask yourself aloud – How bad can it be?
B. Pay your campaign manager his or her win bonus and bow out gracefully to spend more time with the aforementioned blood relatives.
C. Secure a lobbying gig, book contract, and speaking engagements in exchange for your falling on the sword.
D. Chef Boyardee
Biden “Tough to beat Chef Boyardee. Love his raviolis. Right Todd? But that seems like a trick answer anyway so I will go with A. Ride it out.”
Host – No…I am sorry. Congressman Akin?
Akin “I guess that leaves me with Chef Boyardee. D. Chef Boyardee.”
Host – Wrong again..Yeah, we were looking for B AND C. Kind of an out of the box answer here. I guess we got you both with that curveball.
Biden “BASEBALL! I grew up in Scranton playing baseball. Phillies fan, ya know. My favorite player was Richie Ashburn.”
Akin – “Wait a second…Mel Carnahan’s dead? Huh…but he won the election in 2000 even though he was no longer alive? So, you’re saying I still have a chance….”
Host – “Gentlemen, last question. What is the most important issue facing the United States of America today?”
A. The Economy
B. Danville, North Carolina
C. Myanmar, formerly Burma
Biden – “D! Parking! I’ve already been to Danville.”
Akin – “Okay…I am not seeing my election to the US Senate here. Oooh boy…ummm…let’s see…well, you put Myanmar in here twice…D. Parking.”
Host “No. Wrong again. It’s the Economy, Stupid.”