augusta free press news

Chris Saxman: Cold Fusion-Like I’m Not Even Kidding Edition

Picking up one’s twelve-year-old daughter from school is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get. h/t Forrest Gump.

And then she opens the door thus beginning the conversation –

“My coach hates me…”

“What’s for dinner?”

“I need some deodorant, I totally reek…”

Hi Sweetie. How was your day?

The conversation then picks up momentum as she fills in the blanks from her previous statements about the coach hating her, what is for dinner and her “aura” – which is becoming more noticeable only because she mentioned it.

Recounting the day she will use this phrase to punctuate a very, okay fairly, important event from the day – Like I’m Not Even Kidding.

Dad. You would not believe what happened at practice. Like I’m Not Even Kidding. Courtney or Kelsey did X. I don’t know what X was because I always drift after Like I’m Not Even Kidding.

Naturally, I have one job. Listen and get the basic gist of the story. If it’s bad, we head to the 7-11 for a Slurpee. If it’s positive, we just go home. Really, I just need to know in which direction the car is supposed to go. It’s Basic computer programming. If then, go to. Bad Day – Slurpee. Good Day – Home and gently begin transitional conversation about cleaning room and doing homework.

If the story is compelling, the Like I’m Not Even Kidding escalates into Like I’m TOTALLY Not Even Kidding. Granted these stories have the half life of a fruit fly, but I thrill at being able to insert at a story’s peak  – “Wow, Like You’re Not Even Kidding”


POW. “Punch Buggy! No Punch Back!”


Twelve-year-olds are an exuberant lot, living moment to moment with a level of energy that exhausts anyone in near proximity to the Dervish Whirling.

“Dad. Seriously. What’s for dinner? I’m starving. Like I’m Not Even Kidding.”


So I got to thinking – what would I say to one of remaining candidates for the GOP nomination if I had about five to ten minutes in the car and he asked me what I wanted him to run on and do as President of These Here United States. So….

Here’s my Cold Fusion Like I’m Not Even Kidding List Of Things the Remaining GOP Candidate (okay  – Romney) Should Run On and Do.

1) Pledge to serve one term. The country would be much better off with an executive who was concerned only with governing and not running for re-election. This works. By exercising self restraint in governing, you will send a powerful message. The first consultant that objects – fire him. He’s part of the problem.

2) Prepare your party for the bad parts of the legislative deals that they will have to swallow. We can’t wait for your party to get 60 votes in the Senate. Make the deals.

3) Pass a budget. No more Continuing Resolutions. Pass a budget or shut down the government. While it was not pretty in the 90s, it worked. We balanced the budget. But the Republicans lost control of the House! Not because of the very brief government shutdown. They got off message. It’s time to govern – pass a budget.

4) Pass legislation that all federal officeholders – you included – cannot raise money while either chamber of the Congress is in Session. Trust me, this works in Virginia (like the one term governor). Congress will find new and creative ways to get their work done. Send a signal to the country that money and its influence on legislation will be decoupled.

5) Put the Vice President in charge of the Senate – every day. Make sure he or she is there every day moving your agenda and presiding over the Senate. That will help build relationships on both sides of the aisle.

6) Take at least one good idea from each of the other GOP candidates for President. Ron Paul has good points on the Federal Reserve and so does Santorum on job creation and manufacturing. Newt? Too many ideas to start the conversation so endow a faculty chair at Harvard or Cal – Berkeley and have him lecture liberal college students. Rick Perry? Have him call Barack Obama daily to discuss Texas A&M’s move to the Southeastern Conference.

7) Wall Street Reform. Think Pre Great War British banker George Banks in Mary Poppins. Low risk, long term rewards…you know, boring as a goal.Take all the gambling with taxpayer insured money out of the system. Make simple, enforceable rules that will be punished with jail time and publicly televised canings a la Singapore. Stop laughing, I’m serious on this one. This excrement has to stop and fines don’t cut it. Physical pain will.

8) Foreign Policy.  You are too daggone nice. Out in the world, that means weak. We’ve done the whole Wars Financed with Debt thing. Bad business model, that one. We’re tapped out for awhile. So, watch the Godfather I and II. You better figure out real quick if you are Johnny Fontaine, Vito Corleone, Michael Corleone, Sonny, Fredo or Tom Hayden.

Like I Am Not Even Kidding.

Mormon. Rich. Successful. Smart. Competent. Good Guy. Moderate. I don’t care. We don’t need a governor, we need a president. This is your last job, your last turnaround project. We have no more time and there is no more money.

Git R Done.

Like I’m Not Even Kidding.

augusta free press
augusta free press