Chris Saxman: Cold Fusion-Free Bourbon Edition

Cold Fusion’s purpose, from its conception, was to provide readers with thought provoking views and/or ideas to advance the cause of human freedom and liberty.

Unable to keep up with the times, I must submit to the reality that I was playing the wrong game. I assumed that the everyone had a mutual goal that there would be humans around that would aspire to be free.

I have broken the code.

Recently, Secretary of Health and Human Services (irony noted) Kathleen Sebelius testified to Congress that the cost of the contraception mandate would be made up by having less children.

Genius! Wile E. Coyote…Super Genius!

See, if we have fewer children, we don’t have to PAY for them. See, then we don’t have kids who use tax revenue from the State. Of course, we also won’t have children who grow to be adults who will generate tax revenue TO the State in the future either. This is apparently how liberals plan on not paying down our federal debt which is around $15,800,000,000,000.00.

It’s sort of like what happens at college fraternity party when the kegs run out. See? No more beer! Everyone leaves! Genius! We don’t have to clean up the mess, because the beer is gone!

Enter the dilemma faced by a Georgetown Law School student who apparently doesn’t have the means of acquiring contraception. One would think a Cornell grad who got into Georgetown Law could find a 7-11 in the District of Columbia, but she must not have that app on her iPhone.

The 30 year old law student has been called inappropriate things since then and that is unfortunate as they have no basis in fact. What is without dispute is her liberal economic and political theory. Who else but a Liberal would the petition government for $3,000 annually for contraception when the free market can provide it at a much lower cost while employing minimum wage workers?

Let’s be clear about a couple of things – the Law Student was not testifying before Congress. She was participating in a press conference run by Nancy Pelosi set up to *look* like a congressional hearing.

After thinking about Nancy Pelosi, a law student and the age of old question of prolonging the species, I would like to offer a solution to this legislative conundrum.

Bourbon. Free bourbon.

Clearly, the AppleTinis runneth over in Georgetown and the “men” there need to saddle up and learn that bourbon is a far superior mental lubricant. Ladies would no longer have to use the “I have a headache” line or “No, I have to wash my hair tonight” excuse.

They can say “YES! Let’s go out tonight. I would love to go to dinner with you! One condition though…you HAVE to drink bourbon. I just LOVE a man that drinks bourbon.”

That guy will be in the boat faster than Donald Trump can say “You’re FIRED!”

That poor dumb slob will call home to his mother saying, “Mom, I think I have found the one! I don’t know what it is about her, but it’s like she can read my mind!”

Little does he know that he will wake up with a crushing dehydrated head on his floor – alone. The future Mrs. Former Co-Ed will in fact someday drive her favorite Volvo with the happy but clueless sap knowing her meticulously planned Operation Overlord is complete. THEN she is ready to under-populate the species with her 2.2 children. The point two she will self amusingly note is the silly boy riding shotgun thinking he is in control.

He’ll even brag to his college buds that he gets to play in one Captain’s Choice golf tournament each year and he gets all the bourbon he can drink! Amazed, his friends will say “Dude…you are ONE LUCKY GUY! She WANTS you to drink bourbon?”

In unison, the rest of his friends will say “Wooooooow…..Coooooool”

Just then the collective joy will be broken by the Blakester, the one who always could smell BS a mile a way. “What’s the catch, Nimrod? No chick ever WANTS her man to drink bourbon. We act stupid, say outrageously offensive things, stink to high heaven and in no way, shape or form can insert Tab A into Slot B.”

The subversive plot having been unearthed, the remaining will think they have been duped.

It will last a nanosecond and will be gone. The Happy Man will laugh and say “What’s your point? Think I don’t know? Oh, sure I had my doubts in the beginning. But she tipped her hand when she wanted me to watch The Joy Behar Show. I just slowly caressed her hand, lovingly looked in her eyes and said, ‘That’s okay Honey. It’s all good.’ Our eyes locked and we were on the same page. She knew that I knew and that I was okay with it. I understood her and she understood me.”

Stunned silence will hold his friends in suspended animation. Then the Blakester will slyly whisper, “Tell them what happened next….”

“OOOOOOHHHHHH……I get it….” they’ll all exclaimed..”You got to watch SportsCenter!!!”

See, It’s not that hard after all….

With bourbon.



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