Chris Graham: El Nino this blizzard back to the Stone Age

stopthepresses-newWinter has been here for, like, a week, and already, I’m done.

Yes, I’m aware that, technically, we’re about a month into winter, but December and the first week or so of January was an early spring.

I still have a sunburn from my last shirtless run on the greenway from a week ago to keep me warm.

Which is a good thing. Because it’s friggin’ cold out there.

Twenty isn’t usually that unbearable this time of year, because you get used to it, kinda, sorta.

But twenty when it’s been 55, 60, 65 … it’s like we live in the Dakotas now.

And that’s before the snow.

Dang, that snow.

First popped up in my weather app over the weekend as three to six inches. Now they’re calling for up to three feet.

That’s, give or take, three feet more than I can take.

Seriously, I want El Nino back.

If I never have another winter, I won’t be unhappy.

I think people who prattle on about how they love having all four seasons are goddamn deranged.

I could do with three seasons: late spring, summer and early fall.

You can have the rest of it. Anything under 50 in the daylight hours, seriously, it’s yours.

Snow only meant something to me as a kid because then it meant that we got to miss school.

Now that I’m an adult, and don’t get to miss school, snow just means shoveling the back driveway, shoveling the front sidewalk, and still not being able to go anywhere.

We tried parking out on the street for a big snowstorm a couple of years back. The snow plows blocked us in there.

So now we leave both cars in the driveway that has access to an alley.

At least the plows don’t block us in. Because the idea that the alley ever gets plowed is … humorous.

The sun melts the alley, eventually. But again, at least our cars don’t get blocked in.

It’s just a mess, and honestly, it’s just patently ridiculous.

I mean, we live in the South, right? Sure, I get it, not really, we just fought on the wrong side in the Civil War; we’re really north. (Don’t tell my granny that, God rest her soul.)

But anyway, what happened to this global warming crap that was supposed to be heating up the atmosphere?

Do I need to stand out in the backyard with aerosol cans pointed at the heavens the next couple of days to keep this snowpocalypse from descending upon us?

Because I’ll do it.

I’ll figure out a way to put lead back in the gas tank, if that would help.

Round up every space heater I can find and point them south and east.

Anything,

Just keep that damned snow away from here.

Chris Graham, the editor of AugustaFreePress.com, has never built a snowman.




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