FlyLady: A 50-50 proposition

Several years ago when I began to mentor women on the Internet, I wanted to help them gain control of their homes and lives. My mentoring was not to teach them how to nag their husbands to help them around the house.

Many have complained that I don’t understand that husbands and wives have an equal responsibility in keeping the home working. YES, I do know this. But unless your husband or wife is a part of our group, I can’t help them. I can only help you. I don’t expect you to do it all, but you can and many have. What about the single moms or widows that have to do it all by themselves? They don’t have husbands to help. They have to take care of the whole home alone. Oh and I almost forgot the members whose spouse is in the military and away from home for months at a time. Also the spouses that have to travel a lot with their jobs. The spouse left behind has the responsibility for the entire home on their shoulders.

What I have noticed is that when the member of our group, be it the husband or the wife, gets their routines in place and the clutter in the home is decreased, that they have found that the other spouse comes around and starts to help, so do the children. They start to clean up their “off limits” HOT SPOTS! You know the ones that if you even touch, will get you in HOT WATER!

Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, as many of you think. I believe that this perception is hurting many families. Here is why. When we feel we are doing our half of the work, we automatically feel slighted because we don’t feel our mate is doing his or her fair share. So we pout, fuss, or even go on strike. This is so silly.

Marriage is a 100%/100% proposition; Each person giving their all to the family. When you do all that you can, you have done your best. When you sit at the computer all day, don’t get dressed, and don’t hit a lick at a snake (Southern for just do something), you are not spending your time wisely. All because your perception is, “Why should I clean up, it is just going to get messed up again!” or “He won’t even help, this isn’t my entire job! If he won’t help then it can just stay this way, I didn’t make the mess, so why should I clean it!”

There are many reasons our members to not get up and move. Most are just excuses. We all have the same number of hours in each day. Even members with several children are seeing progress. There are members with sickness that are doing well and there are members that work, either at home or away from home, that are seeing great progress.

So what is your excuse? Are you sitting pouting ’cause your spouse does not do his or her fair share? You can only change yourself and your own attitude. Get the mote out of your eye first. We don’t give you permission to declutter your husband or wives things. Quit nagging and set the example by taking care of your own clutter first. As you set the example, by getting your HOT SPOTS clean, you are going to be so surprised at the changes in your family. Are you ready to FLY?

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out her website and join her free mentoring group at www.FlyLady.net, or her book, Sink Reflections, published by Random House, and her New York Times bestselling book, Body Clutter, published by Simon and Schuster. Copyright 2011 Marla Cilley. Used by permission in this publication.

FlyLady: Driving in a fog

What happens to us is that when we get overwhelmed our brains keep trying to play catch up and in the process, this brain frenzy short circuits our actions. Now don’t get me wrong, we are working like crazy, but we don’t seem to be accomplishing much because we are trying to do too much too fast.

We can even feel the CHAOS start to build. So why don’t we stop theavalanche before it comes sliding down on top of us! It is because we think if we just keep juggling we can keep all those balls in the air. We are not perfect and let’s face it; we are never going to be. But that is just fine with me. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. My home does not have to be perfect to be lived in. Housework done incorrectly stillblesses my family. I can do anything for 15 minutes! What doesn’t matter, just doesn’t matter!

When you feel the pressure start to mount then that is the time to let off some of the steam so you will not explode and the avalanche suffocate you! I can hear you now! HOW DO I DO THAT!

Let me tell you what I do when I start to feel overwhelmed. I stop dead in my tracks when I first realize that I am beginning to feel antsy and SIT DOWN!

Then I take a few deep breaths and get out a piece of paper. Automatically my heart rate slows down and that antsy feeling subsides.The reason it is hard for us to recognize that we are feeling overwhelmed is because we have been living on adrenaline most of our lives. We have to practice slowing down when we feel antsy instead of speeding up! Think of it this way. You are going to love this one.

When you are driving and you see a problem way up ahead; do you drive faster to get there quicker. No you slow down and become more cautious. Imagine that all of a sudden you are driving in a fog and you can’t see where you are going. You have to slow down. Now you can’t just stop (crawl in bed) on the highway because there will be a major pile up (the house will fall apart). You have to proceed slowly and cautiously; being aware of everything going on around you. You even turn off the music so you can concentrate more. If you have a phone call you ignore it. Your mind has to be focused. That fog represents what is going on in our heads when we are trying to do too much at one time!

We can do this with our driving! So let’s start practicing it with our race though our day. Your day doesn’t have to be one pile up afteranother!

Slow your brain down by sitting down with a piece of paper.

Put on some calming music and examine what is happening to you. Ask yourself these questions.

Have I had any food today?

Have I had any water?

Am I angry?

Am I tired?

Am I dressed to shoes?

What are the priorities? Write them down on your paper and put first things first.

Set your timer for five minutes and take care of yourself so you canthink.

Then use your timer to keep you focused. I call it a 15 minute day! It is kind of like crisis cleaning for your head.  I take my list ofpriorities and start at the top and spend 15 minutes on that one. It doesn’t matter that it is not finished; then I set my timer again and goto the next item on the list. I do this three times then I sit for 15 minutes and collect my thoughts and rest at the same time. After timer goes off; I start again!

Are you feeling overwhelmed right now? Try this! It doesn’t matter if you are at work or home? Your timer eliminates the fog in your head! Use it!

Are you ready to FLY in a Fog-free area?

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out her website and join her free mentoring group at

www.FlyLady.net or her book, Sink Reflections published by Random House, and her New York Times Best Selling book, Body Clutter, published by Simon and Schuster. Copyright 2011 Marla Cilley. Used by permission in this publication.

FlyLady: Stop the merry-go-round of stress

Slow down you move too fast. We are all in such a hurry these days that we don’t take time to stop and smell the roses. We hear ourselves say “I don’t have time” yet we waste more time searching for things. If we could recoup those hours we spend each day looking for keys, shoes, socks and purses; then we would relieve most of the stress in our lives.

From the time we get up in the morning till our heads collapse on our pillows; our bodies are in a constant state of chaos. We keep doing the same things and we can’t see a way out of our stressed filled merry-go-round. Most of the time, we don’t even feel the stress because our bodies have become immune to the adrenaline.

Eventually it is our bodies the fall victim to the over-flow of adrenaline. Our immune systems go haywire. We no longer can fight off colds and our heads hurt; then we find that our muscles and joints hurt. What can we do to stop our bodies from rebelling.

Most of us have two speeds: Ninety miles per hour or dead stop. We feel invincible when we are at full throttle. We even pride ourselves at being so good at multi-tasking! The truth is that we only think we are good at doing more than one thing at a time. The reality is most things are half done and really never finished. I have a set of simple little rules that will help you get off of this horrendous carnival ride.

FlyLady’s 11 Commandments

1. Keep your sink clean and shiny!

2. Do your Before Bedtime Routine EVERY NIGHT

3. Do your Morning routine EVERY DAY, RIGHT WHEN YOU GET UP.

4. Don’t allow yourself to be sidetracked by the computer

5. Pick up after yourself. IF YOU GET IT OUT, PUT IT AWAY WHEN FINISHED

6. Don’t try to do two projects at once. ONE JOB AT A TIME.

7. Do something for yourself every day, maybe even every morning and night.

8. Work as fast as you can to get one job done. This will give you more time to play later.

9. Smile even when you don’t feel like it. It is contagious.

10. Make your mind up to be happy and you will be.

11. Pamper yourself, you deserve it.

These few simple rules will help you get rid of the stress that you feel. Post them on your refrigerator where you will see them. You deserve to have a little peace in your life. Peace begins with you!

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out her website and join her free mentoring group at www.FlyLady.net or her book, Sink Reflections, published by Random House, and her New York Times Best Selling book, Body Clutter, published by Simon and Schuster. Copyright 2011 Marla Cilley Used by permission in this publication.

FlyLady: A storm’s a-brewin’

The storm is a brewing and it is not in the Caribbean; it is in your head. That storm has caused our thoughts to blow wildly in every direction and they become a vicious cycle that plays havoc with our head, homes, families and your business.

Have you ever lost your wallet and began searching for it in a frenzy? You know this feeling of not being in control and running around. The Frenzy started before you lost your wallet. The frenzy is the reason you lost your wallet in the first place. That frenzy is the storm in your head. My goal is to teach you how to calm this storm before it destroys your life, home and business.

We are such control freaks. We don’t want anyone to know that our thoughts are not under control. If people really know how chaotic your thoughts were they would know you didn’t have it together. This is why some of us can keep it together at work and our home suffers. There are others who can keep their home looking nice but their thoughts are still turmoil. The constant churning of their thoughts; keeps them feeling out of control (which they are).

I can give you all the tools to calm the storm on the outside but if you have not controlled your thoughts you are not going to feel the peace that comes with your routines. In fact you may even sabotage that peace because it feels so strange. After all we have prided ourselves in being able to juggle many balls at one time. This is not virtue; it is a cover up so that no one will really know what is going on inside your head. You think this makes you look organized when really it is only making you look like you have it all together so no one will question you.

That storm that is going on in our brains is fueled with self-doubt, perfectionism, guilt, martyrdom and shame. We are not prepared to deal with this storm so we ignore it. In fact it feels normal to us. We have always been this way. We have pushed and pushed trying to do more and more and all we ever do is get further behind and racing to catch up. We have to stop the race and get off of the track to be able to see what we are going to ourselves.

My greatest frustration comes from not being able to articulate this to you in words what will allow you to see what you are doing to yourself. I just want you to be still for a minute. This means to stop your brain from spinning and calm yourself down.

Back to that wallet being lost; that frenzy we are in causes us to make many mistakes. It is only after we stop ourselves that we are able to find it right in front of our own eyes. We had been overlooking it because when that frenzy takes over our heads we lose our senses. We can’t think, we don’t see, we are not listening and we are on guard that no one knows this is happening to us. It is our perfectionism once again but this was happening before you lost the wallet.

When I start feeling this way I have learned to recognize it pretty fast. My body has been calm for a long time. I have my routines in place to prevent this from happening to me. Occasionally this feeling will come up. Now when I am feeling like I don’t know what to do next. I stop all that I am doing and spend 5 minutes making a plan. It is when I am not prepared that this feeling happens. I take those 5 short minutes and take my foot off my accelerator and quit fueling the storm. When you remove the fuel the storm or fire will go out. HEY we can think straight instead of a vicious cycle of swirling thoughts.

It may be hard for you to recognize this storm because your life has always been in turmoil. This is why I gave you the 11 Commandments. I want you to begin to experience moments of calm so that when you are in a frenzy you will know how to get back to that moment and use it to quiet the raging winds and waves that are causing you to lose your mind.

Be Still and the peace will come. Quiet your mind by sitting down. The more you get in a hurry the worse the feeling is going to be. Slow down and set a priority to what has to be done. Do one thing at a time! Not 15 things. You can do this.

We have to get back to why you are in this frenzy in the first place though. Establishing simple routines is going to help you be prepared for the storm when it does come. These routines give you the tools to stop the frenzy before it starts. Are you dressed to shoes? Have you laid out your clothes for tomorrow? Have you eaten today? Have you had your water? Have you taken a break today? Do you have the TV on, stereo and the computer? Has the noise become more clutter in your home that keeps you from having to hear the storm in your brain?

Find your QUIET place! Take a time out for you to calm yourself and focus on what needs to be done next; Not the 15 things that are spinning in your brain. This is what you do with your quiet time; Prioritize those 15 things on a piece of paper and then you have a plan. Start with first things first and move down your list. The five minutes you spend in your quiet place will calm this storm and give you the tools to stop the wind from blowing to the land of CHAOS and

Frenzy. You can do this. Quiet yourself!

Are you ready to FLY with a plan for preparedness in any storm of life?

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out her website and join her free mentoring group at www.FlyLady.net or her book, Sink Reflections published by Random House and her New York Times Best Selling book, Body Clutter published by Simon and Schuster. Copyright 2011 Marla Cilley Used by permission in this publication.

FlyLady: Learning to delegate is hard for me

In 2001 we built our first website. We just needed a place to put some of our basic FlyLady System essays. Kelly and I never set out to have a website or to mentor almost a million people. We just wanted to help one person. That one person is you. I like to think of our first website as a one room school house. There were only a few pages. We were so excited to have a website. Each week we added a few more pages. It was sort of like the Winchester House in San Jose, California. It grew by just adding on a room at a time. Before we knew it, we needed a Google Search box to find things.

As most of you know we have been working on a new website for several months. With a website that is large as ours it takes a lot of work to restructure it. Our team has worked very hard to make this happen. Nikki hurting her back slowed us down a bit, but the health of our people is more important than a redesign of our website. Yes it does seem a bit outdated; that because we spend all our time taking care of our FlyBabies with our emails.

Our website has never been the most important part of our system. It has been the text book to help guide you. Our email messages are the power to create change in you. Our Friends at BigTent and Federated Media have made our emails beautiful and easier to read. It won’t be long till we have a new website.

Our FlyCrew has been working hard on our new website. We will have a new website before you know it. I am so excited. They just showed it to me a couple of weeks ago and I loved everything about it. They have kept me in the dark for several months now.

I was so proud of myself for delegating this difficult job and not taking it back. Many times as a perfectionist, we won’t let go of a job because we don’t feel that anyone can do it as well as we can. I have learned that I can’t do everything. I have surrounded myself with efficient and talented people and I can’t wait to show you their creative and well designed website. I know you are going to love it as much as I do.

I would like to thank Kelly, Nikki, Stephanie, Lee and Michael for all their hard work. You are not going to believe how beautiful and well organized our new website will be. I would also like to think BigTent and Cozi for being such great partners. If you have not signed up for our emails then you are missing out on the most powerful part of our system: www.flylady.net/pages/get_started_1.asp

Go check out our FlyLady/Cozi calendar. It will help you stay organized even when you are away from home with a busy schedule: www.flylady.net/pages/cozi.asp

Thank you all for loving us and understanding that good things are worth waiting for!

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out her website and join her free mentoring group at www.FlyLady.net or her book, Sink Reflections published by Random House and her New York Times Best Selling book, Body Clutter published by Simon and Schuster. Copyright 2011 Marla Cilley Used by permission in this publication.

FlyLady: Food, music and family traditions

Do you remember those family pot-luck get-togethers we used to have when we were little? Our aunts would cook their traditional family favorites. Our uncles would grill something to go along with all that wonderful food. There was a family rivalry for who could make the best pie! What ever happened to those wonderful family gathering? Did we get too busy?

This afternoon I had the pleasure of spending time with someone else’s family! For a couple of weeks, Jack Tinsley has been in our hometown filming what makes living in Transylvania County, North Carolina a special place to live. Jack grew up here. I had the pleasure of choosing to live here in 1994. As the finale of the two weeks of filming, Jack brought his family together for the last part of his film.

I knew back then that this was a great place to visit. When I had the opportunity to move here, I jumped in with my fishing waders. In fact I moved to Transylvania to fly fish. Over half of our county is Pisgah National Forest, The Blue Ridge Parkway, DuPont State Forest and Gorges State Park. From any point in our area you can be sitting by a stream in just a few minutes.

This year we are celebrating our sesquicentennial. Not only is this a great place to live but it is an even better place to work and build a business. Our community is supportive of people who turn their ideas into jobs for our residents. We work together to help one another.

If you are reading this essay from our local newspaper, The Transylvania Times; you are truly blessed to live in our wonderful community. If you are reading this someplace else; then take some time this summer to come join us as we celebrate our 150th anniversary.

If you can’t make it to our neck of the woods check your local newspaper and websites to find out what is happening for your family to enjoy. Plan a pot luck get together for your family or better yet one for your neighborhood. The one thing I loved most about today was the music. Get your friends and family to bring their musical instruments. The mountain string band called Crooked Pine played for us today. I used to work for Marion at Earthshine Mountain Lodge and Frank and I worked together at the Brevard Music Center. If you get a chance, check out their music – www.crookedpineband.com. It is music that makes our heart sing!

When you have that pot luck, ask all those wonderful cooks to share the recipes with everyone. Today I watched as these great cooks shared the history of their favorite dish. Many of them had been handed down for generations. I got to share my Heart Attack Baked Beans with the Tinsley Family. They were a big hit! http://www.flylady.net/pages/flycrew_recipes.asp

Have a safe holiday weekend! Please take some time enjoy establishing some family traditions of your own!

For more help getting rid of your CHAOS, check out her website and join her free mentoring group at www.FlyLady.net or her book, Sink Reflections, published by Random House and her New York Times Best Selling book, Body Clutter published by Simon and Schuster. Copyright 2011 Marla Cilley Used by permission in this publication.

Christmas wrapping making us nuts

  
FlyLady column by Marla Cilley
www.flylady.net

Are you like the old woman who lived in a shoe, except you have so much wrapping paper that you don’t know what to do! Wrapping paper is expensive, and it takes over our craft room, extra bedroom or the dining room table when that time of year rolls around. It’s here!

Many years ago, my mother bought a huge roll of red Christmas paper. I can still see this hideous print in my head. I think she wrapped presents with it for 10 years. After she died, there was still some of it left! I was never so happy as to discard that paper.

I will never forget my stepfather opening a gift with his pock Continue reading “Christmas wrapping making us nuts” »