Bruce Sallan: The state of gender affairs

There’s no question that technology changes faster than most of us yuppies and boomers can handle. I don’t know what the current number of years for technology “generations” is, but I do know that if you have children five or more years apartin age, they will each use technology differently. I’ve observed my own two boys, just three years apart, using social media/smart phones each in his own distinct way. My younger son relies almost exclusively on texting, while my older son actually occasionally talks on his cell-phone.

Things may not move quite this fast with our gender “state of affairs” but I assert that we are now experiencing changes in our gender roles much faster than at any other time in human history. While I’m part of the sixties generation where we believed we re-invented everything, from sex to politics, established that anyone over 30 didn’t know anything, changed college life forever, was the first generation to have the pill, and the first to topple a presidency and end a war by withdrawal, we still have our own adjustments to these gender changes.

Title IX did not exist. Anita Hill hadn’t happened and the term “sexual harassment” sounded to us flower children like a come-on line. Women senators, governors, and CEOs were far from commonplace, and the notion of a male secretary or a female firefighter was unheard of. Divorce was still stigmatized, shame existed as a consequence of poor behavior, reality TV meant Walter Cronkite, seeing a movie was only possible in a theatre, and phones had wires and rotary dials.

Today, naturally, things are quite different. The Pew Center released a study on January 19, 2010, called “The New Economics of Marriage: The Rise of Wives,” which revealed how dramatic some of these gender changes have been in the past 40 years. This study mostly discussed marriage and income, changes in who worked and stayed home, gender educational levels reached, and other marital statistics.

For instance, “In 1970, 28% of wives…had husbands who were better educated than they were, outnumbering the 20% whose husbands had less education. By 2007, these patterns had reversed: 19% of wives had husbands with more education, versus 28% whose husbands had less education. In the remaining couples — about half in 1970 and 2007 — spouses have similar education levels.” (From the Pew Center Study).

How can these changes not affect gender relationships?

The study also related changes in marital issues, and concluded that the “reshuffling of marriage patterns from 1970 to 2007″ during which time, “Among U.S.-born 30- to 44-year-olds, women now are the majority both of college graduates and those who have some college education but not a degree. Women’s earnings grew 44% from 1970 to 2007, compared with 6% growth for men.”

Does anyone still question how much different our roles and expectations for each gender are today vs. just a few decades ago?

Another finding from this study relates to what has occurred to men and women during our present economic downturn, which “is reinforcing these gender reversal trends, because it has hurt employment of men more than that of women.”

Have these changes affected marriage? You betcha. The study went on to say that, “These days, Americans are more likely than in the past to cohabit, divorce, marry late or not marry at all. There has been a marked decline in the share of Americans who are currently married. Among U.S.-born 30- to 44-year- olds, 60% were married in 2007, compared with 84% in 1970.”

How have all these changes affected men’s and women’s roles within marriage? Another Pew Research Center survey, in 2008, found “that wives who earn more than their husbands are more likely to have decision-making power, especially over major purchases and household finances. According to the survey, in couples where the husband makes more money, spouses are about equally likely to say that husbands (35%) and wives (36%) make most decisions regarding household finances. However, in couples where the wife makes more, spouses say that only 21% of husbands make most decisions on household finances, compared with 46% of wives.”

What does this all mean for our children, for our boys who are now outnumbered in college entrances for the first time in American history? What will it mean in relationships? How will it affect the work force?

I don’t think there’s a clear answer and only time will tell, but like the well-known story of Exodus, where a generation of Israelites weren’t allowed to enter “the promised land” due to their memories, I suspect that my generation will stubbornly cling to our notions of which sex does what.

In my marriages, both of my wives worked, but I made the larger income and made the major financial decisions. However, during my first marriage when I left my career to be the SAHD (stay-at-home-dad) and when we later got divorced, I became my boys’ sole parent.

Those years were very confusing for me because I was not treated as an equal parent at my son’s schools, when I tried to participate in the parent organizations. I got “lip service” appreciation from the mothers but was mostly ignored. I believe that was because I am in the transition generation where our gender roles are uncomfortably changing, whether for better or worse.

During those years, men almost universally asked me one question, “Have you gotten a job yet?” Women usually asked, “What do you do all day?” Can you imagine one mom asking another mom that question?

Now, in my second marriage, I am still the SAHD, working out of my home, still taking care of the majority of our financial needs, while my second wife continues to work in her career.

You might say that I’m one confused man still wanting to be the “man of the house,” but recognizing the changes that have occurred during my adulthood while not feeling totally comfortable with them. That is what happens in any “revolution” and we are going through a revolution of gender roles and expectations.

The boys in my family will know nothing different, as they are growing up with technology that was only in the mind of Stanley Kubrick (well, Isaac Asimov really, I suppose) and gender roles that my parents couldn’t even imagine. When I was a young boy, I played with my Roy Rogers gun set while wearing my Davey Crocket hat. The girls I knew loved Ann Margret, from “Bye Bye Birdie,” and Annette Funicello, from “The Mickey Mouse Club.”

The Sallan boys and their generation are growing up as these gender changes become more acceptable and maybe even second nature to them. Men and women will have interchangeable roles in many instances. A clear definition of what a man or woman can or should do, may no longer exist. I sincerely hope it’s for the best. Time will tell.
 
 

Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com.

Bruce Sallan: You always get more when you give

I’ve learned repeatedly in my life that whenever I give to the world, whether by direct action or donations, I get back so much more than the effort or money involved. This is a life lesson that our kids should learn as so many of them, here in America, are living the “easy life” with no sense of the hardships most of the world has to bear and that most of mankind has historically suffered.

One of the unexpected benefits of my writing career and now my radio show is the opportunity to meet and interact with people I’d never have otherwise encountered. My “A Dad’s Point-of-View” Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView) has around 2,500 “members” (or “likes” as they call it) from literally all over the world. Over 35 different countries are represented with many from Africa (why? I don’t know).

I actively participate on my Facebook page by welcoming every member with a thank-you note and inviting their participation on the page with, for instance, the suggestion to join one of the many ongoing discussions. On one occasion, I was invited to “chat” with some kids from Ghana. About 20 minutes later, I discovered I was chatting with two girls, seven and ten, who lived at a school in the small city of Agona Swedru. They were poor on a level most of us don’t understand.

Their charm in the chat was instantaneous. Learning that they were so young and so relatively comfortable in English only enhanced my curiosity. But, sadly, it also arose my suspicions as people in Africa via Craigslist have scammed me in the past. I continued the chat looking for an opening to test my cynicism. It came up indirectly when they responded to a question of mine in expressing the wish to have more books, as they had few in their tiny school.

I was hooked. Between their photos, their chatting, the exchanges I had with their father, Frank, who was the founder of this school, and the information on their various Facebook pages, I believed in them. And, I promised that my family would send them some books. The Facebook page for the kids is simply called AfricaZebras if you’d care to find them there

Coincidentally, my family was packing for a move to another house. All of us have struggled to rid ourselves of our collective stashes of stuff. It brings to mind the great George Carlin routine on stuff (http://ow.ly/2jvKn). No doubt we had too much stuff! Since these girls were in their pre-teens (mostly 7-10), many of the books my boys no longer were interested in were already too “old” for them, or too boyish

My younger son, David, and I went to our local library where they have a regular Saturday used book sale and we bought age-appropriate books for the girls, including several classics (Mark Twain), Dr. Suess, and some Disney picture books. Among our books to give away was a really nice old Bible as well

I thought shipping a box to Africa wouldn’t be too costly until I did the research. The cost of shipping any large box was prohibitive but I did discover that we could send a medium-sized “flat-rate” box via the U.S. Postal Service for $56, which was still not cheap, but within our means.

My wife went through her books and found several that were also worthwhile, we felt, to include. I found some hand-crank flashlights, and some small chatzskies (nick-nacks) we thought they might also enjoy. I quickly filled up two boxes and sent them off to Ghana.

Shortly afterward, I asked David if he’d put together a box and see what other things, in addition to books, he might have to give to our new friends. He came to my desk a couple of hours later with an over-flowing box of books, small toys, games, magazines, and assorted felt-tip colored pens. We chose what we both believed were the best of the bunch and carefully arranged them all in the box to fit as much as possible.

While we were doing this, he looked up at me and said something like, “You know, Dad, this is a great thing you’re doing.” I looked at him and quickly replied, “No, it’s a great thing we’re doing.”

A couple of weeks later I heard from our new friends who were overjoyed with the first two boxes that had arrived. They sent a bunch of photos showing them getting the boxes from the post office, carrying them home, and some of the kids reading or playing with the contents. The photos are worth more than the small cost to us of sending the three boxes. You can find them and my first writing about this on my website (http://bit.ly/bzGkox).

The feelings my whole family had upon viewing these photos were indescribable. My wife had just come home and was stressed from a hard day at work when I called her over to take a look. She immediately softened and began planning all the additional things we could send them. I want to get a drive going to raise money for a laptop to send them. Is someone up for leading this effort?

In the meantime, if you have that pile of stuff/books/toys that your kids no longer need, please consider sending them to the Africa Zebras:

Frank Bennin
P.O Box 719
Agona, Swedru
Ghana

And, trust me, the cost to you will be nothing compared to the value to them and the heartfelt good feelings you and your family will receive!
 
 

Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show-A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.

Bruce Sallan: Why second marriages are so much harder

One might think that second marriages would be easier and succeed more often than first marriages. At least that might be a first instinctual reaction. But, on reflection and upon learning the statistics, it becomes clear why second (and third, fourth, and more) marriages are actually harder.

First, let’s cite the statistics. I don’t have a source, but I know it’s generally understood and accepted that first marriages end somewhere in the 40-50 percent range, while second marriages end about 66 percent of the time, and third and subsequent marriages fail around 75 percent of the time. These are not encouraging statistics. Thankfully, when I was divorced I didn’t know those discouraging numbers.

So, we now know that the odds are against us. Why? My first thought and maybe many other people’s first reaction was that we’d learn from our mistakes and “know better” the second time around. After all, we know what didn’t work, right?

No, the other adage comes to mind that the older we get, the more set in our ways we become. And, yet another cliché is true that the older we get the more baggage we carry with us. I am witnessing the opposite with my teen son and his “first love” girlfriend. While they certainly bicker, the joy of “young love” is palpable (who remembers the original song by Sonny James and the Tab Hunter cover of “Young Love”?) Frankly, it’s a joy to behold and a reminder for this old guy to pay attention to the romance in my own (second) marriage.

During the years between marriages, we do get used to being single again and, if we have children, doing things just our way. There is no doubt that happened to my boys and me. I was guilty of neglecting certain “mom” things such as anything to do with cleanliness, bathing, and general body and room maintenance. Yes, I’m exaggerating in my opinion, but my wife would likely say I’m under-stating the case.

She, on the other hand, had been single for about a decade after her first marriage and had created the ideal single life, with the perfect neat, organized, very adult home, which she thoroughly redesigned and remodeled to her exact specs. Everything in its place; everything just the way it “should” be! Clairvoyance is not required to predict what happened, but I’ll get to that later.

And, of course, age settles us into habits, longer relationships (with friends and family), and more ups and downs. All this experience can’t help but inform who we are as we progress on the journey of life. Also, our emotional guards and walls are stronger having more than likely had more experiences and disappointments than younger, innocent, newlyweds and children. Yes, the rigors of living harden us sometimes.

My wife and I experienced considerable adjustments when she became a member of our family. The Oscar and Felix syndrome was evident immediately. Oscar and Felix, for those that don’t remember, were the magnificent characters in Neil Simon’s “The Odd Couple.” Oscar was a poker-playing, complete slob while Felix was a neatnik, to put it nicely. I’d say he was overly anal-compulsive. Do you wonder which one I resemble?

So, my Oscar and my wife’s Felix clashed mightily over order and chaos in the house–struggling much of the time. My wife, however, had the odds stacked against her, as she was the “odd man out,” so to speak, because the boys and I had become comfortable in our Oscar ways of living. This became our first big issue as a couple. I didn’t want to change, nor did my boys. But, with time, we did because I began to recognize what an important contribution my wife was bringing to us and I was tired of getting berated (just kidding).

She was a blessing for the three boys as I’m counting myself as one of “the boys,” in this respect. But, if not for her strength and character, even this one thing could have broken us apart.

And, in our case, she was a first-time step-mom at a point in her life where that was the last thing she expected to be happening. This created an internal struggle for her that added to our challenges in the early months of our union.

So, is it any wonder, just using my own family as an example, that second and subsequent marriages might be difficult? I don’t think so. I also think too many men and women jump into another relationship or marriage without really considering the consequences to all involved. We’re human beings and we don’t like to be alone, for the majority of us.

Based on my own life, my simple advice is to take the time to really understand all the consequences of a new relationship with all its apparent “blessings.” I don’t want any of us to be adding to those high-risk statistics.
 
 

Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.

Bruce Sallan: Being a teenager can be wonder-full

It’s so easy to complain about our teens. I know I’m guilty of too often dishing out criticisms, admonishments, and lectures. I worry that my boys might be doing drugs, drinking, or some other peer-pressure stupidity. But, they also deserve my support when they do well and my understanding when they slip up.

My 16-year-old, Will, recently bounded into my office, eager to talk. Wisely, I pulled away from the hypnotic lure of my computer, and faced him squarely, ready for whatever followed.

Normally, when Will comes to talk to me, I am concerned that he either wants something or is going to confess something that I wish I didn’t have to hear. This time, I listened. And I listened and I listened. I smiled, I nodded, I grunted. But, mostly I listened. He had made a remarkable discovery! What was this remarkable revelation? “Life is complicated and full of wonder and amazing things. Where did life come from? Why do we sleep? How does our brain work? Why are there different languages and how did they evolve?” He literally rambled off these and other subjects, as if he’d just discovered the wheel!

Will didn’t want me to offer any feedback: he just wanted to share with me his marvelous realizations. I just sat there and patiently let him passionately express these extraordinary questions. After maybe 15 minutes, he didn’t need me anymore and jumped up and left to call his girlfriend and share with her what he’d just voiced.

Later, as we were all getting ready for bed, he came into our bedroom, where my wife was lying down reading, and I had just come in to get ready for bed. He leaped on our chaise lounge, fell off to the side, and scrambled up laughing at his clumsiness. He then proclaimed, “I love this family,” and proceeded to elaborate for a couple more minutes.

My wife and I actually wondered if Will had taken some drugs, as he seemed so high. But, he hadn’t, and was apparently just being a teenager–a teen enjoying the “wonder-full-ness” of life.

That is my point. The older we get, the more we forget the wonder of youth, the wonder of being a teenager–discovering new worlds to explore and the new ideas that we feel are just ours. (Okay, let’s hear the Star Trek theme now).

Being a teenager means discovering the world. I think adults too often squash that sense of wonder with the desire to have our kids conform. That was my discovery during the short 18 months that I home-schooled Will, since the lack of conforming public school curriculum and class management allowed Will to learn so much more than he otherwise would have under the structure of public school. It’s why I believe home-schooling is really much better for some kids and, at the time, was the very best thing I could have done for Will.

The job of parents is to introduce our children to the world, to give them exposure to as much as we can, and to allow them to choose their paths. I know that early in my parenting, I had my ideas of what I wanted for my sons that were based on my own particular interests and desires. Fortunately, I got over that selfish instinct and ended up supporting my boys’ own interests and dreams. I know too many parents that are single-minded in pushing their kids in the directions these parents think is best while not taking into consideration their kids interests, skills, and desires.

This is dramatically evident in the sports arena, where kids are sometimes literally forced to participate in a sport in which they have no interest. The reason is simply the parents’ ego and vicarious desire to live through their kids. It is so wrong. We also see this in the over-the-top push that parents often inflict on their kids to excel at school so that they can get into this or that college that the parents deem best for their child.

I wonder if it ever occurred to those parents that their son or daughter might actually be better off with a year off between high school and college? Or, maybe not even going to college! Not every kid should go to college. Couldn’t college wait a year or two while these high school grads explore life on their own? Maybe they can see a bit more of the world rather than just continue in what can be the cocoon of education and parental (financial) support?

I may have wanted my sons to be great skiers, or get into an Ivy League college, but now I want them to fulfill their own passions and find the same joy in what they do that I’ve been blessed to find in my writing and now, my radio show as well. I urge you to do the same!
 
 

Read more from Bruce Sallan online at www.brucesallan.com.

Bruce Sallan: Couples need couples

A Dad’s Point of View column by Bruce Sallan
www.brucesallan.com
 

While on a recent vacation, my wife and I had a stimulating discussion with friends about friends. We were enjoying a meal with two other couples and one of the men asked the question, “Have you found many couples that you are friends with and, if so, how have you met them?”

What followed was a spirited discussion about friends-same sex friends, friends as couples, and opposite sex friends, when you’re married (or monogamously involved). The conclusion was that it is not simple. Read more

Bruce Sallan: Growing up – two generations at a time

A Dad’s Point of View column by Bruce Sallan
www.brucesallan.com
 

Sometimes, life brings us a lot of lessons at once. In my family, we’ve gotten our share of them recently and they’ve added dimension to our lives and allowed us to each grow in different ways, without necessarily providing a neat and regular narrative for my column. That hasn’t stopped me yet and I think you’ll find they all coalesce into something meaningful.

Let’s begin with my older son growing as a rock ‘n’ roller, a talented drummer, guitarist, and vocalist. His passion carried over to an extraordinary opportunity of a lifetime when he got to jam with his idol, Chris Cornell (Soundgarden and Audioslave) at The Roxy Theatre, on Sunset Blvd., in Hollywood. The full story and video are here, but suffice it to say, I became a sort of “stage dad” along the way. Read more