Bruce Sallan: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me

Respect. Isn’t that really all parents want from their kids? Isn’t it about the hardest thing to actually teach them to do–treat us with respect? I struggle with this a great deal due to the way my two teenage boys sometimes speak to me, respond to a request, and generally behave. It is not with much respect, at times, and I don’t like it.

Aretha had the biggest hit with her rendition of “Respect” though it was originally performed by Otis Redding in 1965 (here’s a link to a great video of her performing it in 1968: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1M2fk72mfw&feature=related). Some of the lyrics to that classic song resonant for me on this topic: “All I’m askin’ for is a little respect…”

So, what is the solution? I think it may be in our demands and expectations of our kids. If we allow them to be disrespectful, we are essentially condoning that behavior. I finally realized that certain things just were no long acceptable between my sons and me and that there had to be serious consequences if they were not being respectful.

I often come back to the inherent parenting dilemma, I believe, of my generation. We want to be our kids’ buddies rather than their parents. Being a buddy means being a friend, and letting a lot of things slide. Being a buddy means not demanding a level of respect that parents have historically been given without much question until the sixties when all “authority” was called into question in some quarters of our country.

Going biblical, we’ve got one of the Ten Commandments that says, “Honor Thy Father and Mother.” What exactly does that mean? A man I greatly respect, Dennis Prager, believes that commandment is the most important of the ten! Why? Everything else comes from that relationship between parent and child. When children “honor” their parents, they learn the tools to live life with grace, respect, and principles.

Dennis Prager does not expect the child of an abusive/bad parents to honor them beyond honoring the institution of parenting. Nor do I. But, in the more common scenario of a healthy father and mother, it is our obligation and duty to literally demand that respect and “honor.” And, frankly, I’ve laid down on that job, partly due to guilt over what they went through in my divorce and also just plain laziness as I, too, like being their buddy.

I know I’m doing them and myself no service by not teaching them to respect my authority which, in turn, will teach them to respect all the authority figures that they will encounter on their journey to adulthood, from teachers to employers. What I’ve allowed them to get away with, as far as respect goes, would cost them better grades, jobs, and/or success at work in “real life.” I am therefore not doing my job of being the best parent I can be.

Today, I made a breakthrough after my younger son questioned my participation in a task I’d asked him to help with, related to our moving. I asked him to join in loading my truck, packing up some of his stuff, and otherwise contributing to our family effort to move. As I had done a lot of the “heavy lifting” already, I expressed that it was my son’s turn. His response was, “Well then, what are you going to do?” The implication being that I wasn’t doing my share.

The fact that he’d slept in till noon that day and most days of the summer while his step-mom and I had been working since early in the mornings, evidently escaped him. The fact that both of us had already done some of our primary work of the day and made a trip to our new home with boxes of our stuff, also escaped him because he was sleeping.

It took me a full day to realize the level of disrespect he was displaying and I was sanctioning by my non-response. I did an inventory of these issues and realized where I was failing as a dad and parent. So, today, I sat him down and explained what I expect of him, what was acceptable, and what were not, and the consequences of another display of this sort of disrespect. He was quiet; he was sullen.

But, he GOT IT! The rest of the day, he was bending over backwards to be helpful. It sunk in. For me, it was hard to be so harsh, or so I thought, but it was what he needed and what our kids often need from us. They need us to teach them about real life, the real world (and I’m not talking some dumb MTV series), so they won’t get fired from that job when they question an apparently waste-of-time task a boss asks of them.

That is my job. That is your job. We had kids; we have a responsibility to teach them respect. Deal with it.

Column by Bruce Sallan. Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.

Bruce Sallan: The family dinner

I had a discussion with some other dads the other day about “the family dinner.” To my surprise, many of these men described their family eating adventures as just that, an adventure. Or, more specifically: a circus, trial, ordeal, and other pejoratives.

My immediate thought was about the classic image of Norman Rockwell’s painting, “Freedom From Want” with the image of “mom” or “grandma” presenting the turkey at what is likely a Thanksgiving dinner, with the whole family eager, excited, and present. “Dad” or “grandpa” is looking on, with the expectation that he will carve the bird. How quaint; how lovely; how sadly antiquated, I fear.

What was evident in our discussion, as is so often the case, was that each man’s personal background and family experience, informed their own family experience. And, of course, their wife’s background also contributed to the ritual or lack thereof in the family.

I believe that the “family dinner” is an essential, valuable, and powerful ritual for every family unit, whatever it may be. It is even more important in our currently hectic times when each family member can pursue their own interests separately, alone, and with multiple technological tools at their disposal.

One wonders what happened to the whole family sitting around the one television in the home and watching, “The Ed Sullivan Show,” “Leave It To Beaver,” “The Donna Reed Show,” “The Bill Cosby Show,” as well as more contemporary examples. What happened to the shared experience of watching current events as I painfully remember watching Walter Cronkite cry on air when he announced JFK’s death (www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K8Q3cqGs7I) or when the whole family watched in wonder when Neil Armstrong landed and walked on the moon (www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMINSD7MmT4) and said those immortal words, “This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”

Let’s face it; those times are long past, at least in the shared television experience. But, they don’t have to be in the family-time arena nor should they be. Another thing shared by the men in the original discussion that motivated this column was the fact that their own best memories often took place around the family dinner table. I know that was so true for my childhood and I’ve worked very hard to create a similar experience for my sons, during the hard time and now, the happier ones.

Our ritual is Friday Night Shabbat dinner. Shabbat is the day of rest for both Jews and Christians however it is “celebrated” differently in each faith. As a Jew, we observe the Sabbath on Friday nights. I helped create our family Shabbat tradition and it’s been, truly, special and memorable for my boys, myself, my lovely new wife, and equally for friends. The boys are eager to invite their friends over for our Friday night dinners.

Why? Because, it is sadly unique among their contemporaries. Any family dinner seems unique to many of my boy’s friends. Ours is extra special because of not only the good meal, but also the rituals we observe each Friday night. They’re simple, they’re easy, they’re short, but they’re meaningful. This sticks with people and is one of my main reasons I’m advocating the family dinner. My recommendation is to start with a family dinner one night a week that is designated as sacrosanct and special.

What do you do that is different and special? First, I bake fresh challah each week. The smell of the bread baking in the oven fills the house and announces that this day is different from all the others during the week. My wife, who is a talented cook, makes an extra effort and we have a very lovely meal. But, it all starts with the simple lighting of candles and a blessings. It is followed by three other short blessings; one for the wine; one for the challah (bread); and one for the children present, boys and/or girls.

Our special Sallan family tradition goes one step further as we take turns going around the table with each person sharing the best and worst things that happened for them during that week. Only one “worst” is allowed to prevent excessive whining and complaining but there’s no limit on the “bests.” For new friends and guests, this is a wonderful way to share things about them we might not otherwise learn or know. For us, it’s an opportunity to be grateful, share the good news and also the bad news, and basically just get closer.

I look forward to our Friday night dinner with great anticipation each week. We also try to eat together other nights as well, but life and our individual schedules do intrude, yet I would estimate that we sit down to eat as a family at least four times per week. I heartily encourage you to do the same.
 
 

Column by Bruce Sallan. Bruce is online at http://brucesallan.com.

Bruce Sallan: Would you trade your life?

Haven’t we all at one time or another said something like, “Boy, I’d sure like to trade my life for his or hers!” Sometimes it’s about someone we know personally but often it’s about a “famous” person who we think we know. My assertion is that when we really think about it, we wouldn’t trade our lives with anyone!

There’s a caveat to this assertion, naturally, which is simply health-related and extreme poverty related. If someone were seriously sick, especially with a debilitating illness, changing lives would be nice. If someone were starving to death in a corrupt nation, yes changing lives would also be a good thing. But, for the average American or citizen of a free country without extreme poverty or corruption, this idea about not switching lives may apply and at least provoke some reflection.

Everyone has troubles, problems, and challenges. Just read the autobiography or biographies of anyone famous and you realize how fame and fortune rarely brings happiness. My favorite music stars are Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley. Both had decidedly different but equally troubling lives.

For “The Chairman of the Board” as Sinatra was often called, there were severe career ups and downs, multiple marriages, and hurtful snubs due to his associations, the most notable being between him and JFK. He had a tempestuous marriage and relationship with Ava Gardner, married a young starlet (Mia Farrow), and ultimately did find love late in his life when he married Barbara. But, to say his life was easy and carefree is to not remember that time before he got the career-saving role in “From Here to Eternity.”

Elvis Presley, “The King” as he was often called, came from extremely humble circumstances but achieved unparalleled success at a very young age. He retained his humility, and his love of family and God, but allowed his career and personal ambitions to be run by his manager, Colonel Tom Parker. His only marriage ended badly due to his infidelities and he descended into an exile of sorts, due to his fame. He was surrounded by his own entourage, maybe the first such group of friends, almost a prisoner in his own home. In the end, no one had the wisdom to help him take care of his health, his weight, and his drug dependence, and he died at age 42 suffocating in his own vomit.

JFK was assassinated in his forties, George Gershwin died in his thirties, Beethoven became deaf, FDR was crippled, and Van Gogh cut off his own ear due to his mental illness. James Dean crashed his Porsche and died at age 24, after only the first of his three movies had been released! Buddy Holly also died in his early twenties, in a plane crash. Beverly Sills’ only daughter was deaf and could never hear her mother sing.

Would you trade your life with ANY of these famous people? How about Lindsay Lohan or Brittney Spears if you’re a young teen girl? For young guys hoping for a singing career, would you have liked to be Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, John Lennon, or Michael Jackson?

So you’re thinking that you don’t relate to these famous people but would just like to have the life of your cousin, who is a successful doctor. Do you really know about his life? Do you know about the pressures he faces with his malpractice insurance and the changing health-care scene? Do you know about the time he spent in re-hap or the addiction his teen son has kept secret from his parents? Would you like to take the insulin shots he needs, but has covered up, to control his diabetes? Do you get the picture?

Our kids invariably will compare their lives to their friends and acquaintances. They want to trade what they think these people may have or more likely just have some of the things, materially, that they do have. My older son tells me that, “every kid that I know is getting a car.” When he said that, he was sincere. When I pressed him about specific friends, whose parents I knew either were not able or interested in presenting their darling 16-year-old with a new BMW, he backed off and talked about “kids he knew of.” That’s the point. Our kids often think things may be better for someone else. More often than not, it isn’t and our job as parents is not to get sucked into their naïve perceptions of others.

I know I wouldn’t trade my life for someone else’s life. I know I’ve had my full share of hardships, but I know my parents had much worse. I know that I’ve also had more than my full share of good fortune. I’ve survived a couple of accidents that could have left me dead or worse. I’ve survived financial ups and downs that still leave me gasping when I think about them. But, I’ve survived and life is good. I won’t trade with anyone. Except…maybe…
 
 

Column by Bruce Sallan. Read more from Bruce at www.brucesallan.com.

Bruce Sallan: There are no perfect friends

I remember that one of my mother’s many sayings, when I was growing up, related to friends and went something like, “If you want perfect friends, you won’t have any.” This was often in response to my irritation at what a particular friend had done. Later, more often than not, if my mom asked me if that particular thing my friend had done was resolved, I’d have forgotten what it was altogether.

As with so many things our parents say to us, their advice often goes unheeded but comes back later in life to haunt us because of their truth. We could have saved ourselves much pain and embarrassment had we paid heed originally. My mom is probably laughing, somewhere high above, since her death two years ago, at the “fun” I’m living with thanks to my two teenagers. As she may have said, “What goes around comes around.”

My older teen basically has perfected the art of seemingly paying attention to me while singing in his head his latest favorite song. My younger one has just learned that talking back is the expected thing to do upon entering your teens, now that he’s a firm 13½. He not only talks back but also questions just about everything I ask of him.

If I could speak to her today, I would say, “Mom, I’m sorry for all those times I talked back and all those times I disregarded your wisdom that had come from your considerable life experiences. Is there any way I can turn back the clock and make it all up to you so my kids don’t have to learn the same, hard way that I did?” And to my dad, I’d say, “Dad, why didn’t you tell me more forcibly that Mom was always right? Why did you just have that funny ‘you’ll see’ smile and keep your mouth shut while always saying, ‘yes dear’?”

But enough of the self-recrimination and feeling sorry for myself. It’s just one of those ironies of life that my boys are repeating in so many ways the same mistakes my mother so diligently tried to protect me from, especially in regards to friends.

My mother had so many friends and I just didn’t learn nearly enough from watching her interactions with them. She rarely talked about herself, but instead always seemed more interested in what her friends had to say or complain about. If a friend was in any sort of need, she was there. Her patience with those friends who didn’t reciprocate was monumental in my view, as a child growing up. But, she kept most of her friends for a lifetime.

I didn’t follow her example and sadly, I’ve lost some good friends along the way when I allowed hurt feelings or a long forgotten irritation of some sort to de-rail the friendship. Fortunately, I finally did learn what my mother so wisely explained, that there are no perfect friends. We’re all fallible human beings and to have much in the way of expectations of those we care about is sometimes just setting the stage for disappointment.

Another wise cliché is that we don’t choose our relatives, but we do choose our friends. Therefore, their loyalty is undoubtedly sincere if these friendships have been worked on and maintained over time. Yes, life circumstances may change, but memories and comfort with each other may not. I’ve found that in some cases, the changes in our lives were too much for the friendship to survive while in the case of my best friend since 10th grade, those changes didn’t seem to matter.

For my best friend and me, our lives went in significantly different directions after college in almost every area one can think of. He got married young at 23; I stayed single until I was 39. He had three children before I even married. He chose a conventional career; I chose showbiz. He moved to the suburbs; I stayed in the city. He celebrated his 25th wedding anniversary while I celebrated my 50th birthday with divorce papers. He recently moved out-of-state; I’ve stayed put. The examples abound between us.

But, the connection we made in high school and college was true and deep. We used to think of ourselves as “Frick and Frack.” I was the crazy one; he was the levelheaded one. Those differences worked for us as I encouraged risk-taking in him, while he got me to back away from bungee jumping from that helicopter. It was a good balance.

Nonetheless, my mom’s advice regularly came to me about not expecting perfection from him. He is lousy with returning phones calls, exchanging lengthy e-mails, getting together often as our lives got busier, and other things that disappointed me. My choice, as my mother would’ve said, is to not have him as my friend due to these failed expectations and wishes of mine, or to accept him for who he is, not who I wish he were.

That is the lesson I’m trying to teach my boys regarding their friends. Will they learn from my failures in this regard and have a lifelong “best friend” as I still do or will they lose some great friends along the path of life, as I also did? My guess is that they’ll do both–just as I did–and have to learn most of these lessons themselves in spite of my best efforts to save them the pain of going through this process.
 
 

Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.