Bruce Sallan: My wife talks back
No, I’m not writing about my wife talking back to me, but rather giving her a chance to speak her mind after all these columns in which I’ve spoken for her. To be fair (to me), I always run any column about her, by her, before publication. That doesn’t mean I make any changes, but at least she has seen it. Just kidding. I do make changes she requests. But, what I don’t do is “change” my behavior as much as she’d like. So, that will be some of the focus of this interview:
Me: So, honey, this is your chance to publicly clear the record, state your case, and have your voice heard (as a guest on my radio show, too), published, and otherwise represented. Where would you like to start?
Wife: Thank you dear, for the chance to correct all the misconceptions and complete inaccuracies you’ve written and talked about me.
Me: Of course, darling. Please continue.
Wife: First of all, I am not near as compulsive as you represent me to be. I am a typical woman who cares about cleanliness, order, and manners in a fashion that every home requires.
Me: But, do you really need the white gloves to check if the counters have been cleaned well enough by our older son (as this is one of his chores)?
Wife: I don’t use white gloves. It’s easy enough to see the mess he’s left behind with my fingers. I’ve taught the boys the value of doing regular chores, how to use their utensils, and do other things they’ll need when they leave, like cooking and laundry. These are things you neglected to teach them.
Me: What is this about their leaving?
Wife: You know exactly what I mean. After high school, they are going to have to TCB (take care of business) and either go to college or get a job and live on their own. That is teaching them responsibility and not enabling them any more than you’ve already done.
Me: Don’t you think you’re just slightly exaggerating when you characterize my parenting as “enabling?”
Wife: What do you call doing their homework for them until high school, being that obnoxious sidelines coach you always are, taking videos and photos of everything they do, and lionizing them in every Tweet, blog, and “A Dad’s Point-of-View” column you write?
Me (sheepishly): I call that fatherly love.
Wife: No, it’s enabling. Let’s move on and talk about how hard it’s been for me to join this family.
Me: It’s been hard?
Wife (frustrated): Bruce, Bruce, Bruce. Who had to move 50 miles from her life and home in the city? Who had to become step-mom to two teenage boys? Who had to commute, after the move, an hour and a half each way to work? Who has to do most of the cooking, the laundry, and house cleaning?
Me: Hey, I go to CostCo!
Wife: Yeah, to buy beer, tech stuff and boy toys. I do the heavy shopping. Okay, I’ll admit you are the SAHD and do the majority of the kid schlepping, but in the winter you’re skiing half the time, leaving me with everything to do.
Me: C’mon, sweetiepie, I don’t ski that much and you know it.
Wife: You call 30-40 days a season not much?
Me: Yeah, I’ve been hoping to get 50 days in!
Wife (sigh): Set, point, match. As usual, you open your mouth and magic comes out, just confirming my assertion.
Me: Well, dearest, you’ve been slightly negative so far. How about a couple of positive things…(waiting)…one?
Wife (thinking…thinking…thinking…)…
Me: Didn’t we have a great honeymoon?
Wife: Yes, we did, but a honeymoon does not a marriage make. I really do love you, Bruce, love your boys, love our dogs (all three of them), love our life, but I’m tired, really tired.
Me: You’ve often said to me, “Happy wife; Happy life.” What can I do to make you happier and ease some of the burden you’re apparently feeling, and help with this tired feeling?
Wife: I am happy and I really do love you and the boys. Maybe, please, could you not leave your dirty dishes in the sink? Could you make the bed once in a while. I know you don’t like all those pillows I like, but would you do it for me, please? And, while you complain that I leave the lights on “all” the time, maybe relax a bit and stop exaggerating?
Me (with a smile on my face): And, I love you too, honey, and our blended life together. As I often say, quoting Dennis Prager, “Gratitude IS the key to happiness” and I’m grateful every day to have had the good fortune of meeting you and having you in our lives. But, you do leave the lights on ALL the time.
Wife (laughs, sighs, and reaches over and gives Bruce a kiss).
Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website - http://www.brucesallan.com. Check out Bruce’s website for those who would like tech help – www.BoomerTechTalk.com. You can find Bruce on Facebook at www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView and also follow Bruce on Twitter at http://twitter.com/BruceSallan.
Bruce Sallan: I miss my best friend
Do you have a best friend? I’ve grown apart from my closest friend while, at the same time, renewed contact with my oldest friend (since age 4 or 5). I believe it’s an important ingredient in having a balanced social life, whether you’re single or married. Some people think that their spouse should be their best friend. I don’t.
My history of friendship has always included having a best friend–a guy, though I had many close female friends later in my life Having opposite gender friends is another topic altogether and maybe even a bit controversial. My first close friend was the previously mentioned friend that I made in nursery school, which is what pre-school was called in my day.
Our parents were friends and neighbors and “D.J.” and I became close friends all the way through high school. Later, in junior high school I had a best friend who my mom really didn’t like. He wasn’t a “good kid,” according to her. She was right. He liked to do things like get cherry bombs and firecrackers and blow up stuff. His mother was divorced–a stigma in those days.
My mom had the ability, as most parents did in those days, to dictate my friendships and “Fonz” my “bad boy” friend, was slowly but surely dropped. I don’t think I even realized how my mother manipulated the situation. Ironically, Fonz ended up in some sort of trouble, only validating my mom’s wisdom, especially in her eyes.
In 10th grade geometry, I met “Mike” and we soon were best friends. I would characterize Mike as my first real best friend in that we went to school together, saw each other pretty much every day, spoke on the phone regularly, and lived three blocks from one another. We spent after-school time at one another’s homes. He had the cooler house, because he had a basketball hoop, a pool table, and a photography dark room–heaven for boys in those simpler days.
We played a basketball game all the time called “Tip-In,” and I honestly remember always winning and it becoming a running joke between us. With pool, however, he was the dangerous influence Robert Preston warned of in “The Music Man,” trying to teach me how to properly hold a pool cue.
As time passed, we settled into a wonderful friendship that benefitted from our respectively different personalities and skills. I was the “crazy one” while he was the “practical one.” He was the smarter one in the “book smart” sense while I was smarter with “street sense.” I was the daring one; he was the “play it safe” friend. It worked.
We went to different colleges but never lost touch. In our sophomore year, I suggested that we take our Winter Quarter off and spend it skiing. He literally thought I’d lost my mind. That winter, at Lake Tahoe, we skied all day, walked to our jobs as busboys in a local casino, and had the times of our lives. For us, it became our “Glory Days” experience, as in the Bruce Springsteen song where he reflects on the best time of his life when he was a football star in high school.
After college, I suggested that we go to Europe, find jobs, and spend an indefinite time criss-crossing the continent. Against his better judgment, we did. That became our second “Glory Days” story. I loved Mike. I still do.
Finding jobs after college was much easier in those days (the early 70’s) and soon he was working in real estate and I’d begun my showbiz career. I suggested, in our early twenties, that we buy a house together. Again, he thought I’d lost my mind. The third house we saw, we bought.
Two years later, Mike met and married “Mary.” He had found a new best friend. While our friendship continued, “Mary” was always suspicious of Mike’s “crazy and wild” friend and our time together was limited more and more with each child they had. Theirs was a good marriage and in many ways reminded me of my parent’s terrific marriage, which lasted 66 years until my dad’s death. Mary was the boss, and ran their social life; Mike loved everything she did, was completely content, and made the money. They’re still happily married today.
Mike and Mary have since moved to another state. Over the years, Mike became busier and our friendship drifted apart. I became a somewhat successful showbiz guy while Mike steadily worked in his chosen field, also successfully, but with less obvious glitz. That suited him just fine.
I divorced and while it no longer carried much of a stigma, I was maybe the first divorce in Mike and Mary’s circle. From that point forth, our friendship drifted even further apart. When I called Mike he always was in a rush, it seemed to me. We exchanged e-mail messages, but saw each other less frequently. When he moved out-of-state, the friendship slowly began to marginalize to the point where I haven’t spoken to him in months.
Our lives change as we grow, mature, and change ourselves–so do our friendships. I’m not sure what the answer is other than to always nurture old friends and develop new ones. But, it’s hard to replace a friend that I shared so much with. I miss my best friend.
Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com. Bruce created and launched a new website for those who would like tech help, called BoomerTechTalk (http://www.BoomerTechTalk.com).
Bruce Sallan: R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me
Respect. Isn’t that really all parents want from their kids? Isn’t it about the hardest thing to actually teach them to do–treat us with respect? I struggle with this a great deal due to the way my two teenage boys sometimes speak to me, respond to a request, and generally behave. It is not with much respect, at times, and I don’t like it.
Aretha had the biggest hit with her rendition of “Respect” though it was originally performed by Otis Redding in 1965 (here’s a link to a great video of her performing it in 1968: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1M2fk72mfw&feature=related). Some of the lyrics to that classic song resonant for me on this topic: “All I’m askin’ for is a little respect…”
So, what is the solution? I think it may be in our demands and expectations of our kids. If we allow them to be disrespectful, we are essentially condoning that behavior. I finally realized that certain things just were no long acceptable between my sons and me and that there had to be serious consequences if they were not being respectful.
I often come back to the inherent parenting dilemma, I believe, of my generation. We want to be our kids’ buddies rather than their parents. Being a buddy means being a friend, and letting a lot of things slide. Being a buddy means not demanding a level of respect that parents have historically been given without much question until the sixties when all “authority” was called into question in some quarters of our country.
Going biblical, we’ve got one of the Ten Commandments that says, “Honor Thy Father and Mother.” What exactly does that mean? A man I greatly respect, Dennis Prager, believes that commandment is the most important of the ten! Why? Everything else comes from that relationship between parent and child. When children “honor” their parents, they learn the tools to live life with grace, respect, and principles.
Dennis Prager does not expect the child of an abusive/bad parents to honor them beyond honoring the institution of parenting. Nor do I. But, in the more common scenario of a healthy father and mother, it is our obligation and duty to literally demand that respect and “honor.” And, frankly, I’ve laid down on that job, partly due to guilt over what they went through in my divorce and also just plain laziness as I, too, like being their buddy.
I know I’m doing them and myself no service by not teaching them to respect my authority which, in turn, will teach them to respect all the authority figures that they will encounter on their journey to adulthood, from teachers to employers. What I’ve allowed them to get away with, as far as respect goes, would cost them better grades, jobs, and/or success at work in “real life.” I am therefore not doing my job of being the best parent I can be.
Today, I made a breakthrough after my younger son questioned my participation in a task I’d asked him to help with, related to our moving. I asked him to join in loading my truck, packing up some of his stuff, and otherwise contributing to our family effort to move. As I had done a lot of the “heavy lifting” already, I expressed that it was my son’s turn. His response was, “Well then, what are you going to do?” The implication being that I wasn’t doing my share.
The fact that he’d slept in till noon that day and most days of the summer while his step-mom and I had been working since early in the mornings, evidently escaped him. The fact that both of us had already done some of our primary work of the day and made a trip to our new home with boxes of our stuff, also escaped him because he was sleeping.
It took me a full day to realize the level of disrespect he was displaying and I was sanctioning by my non-response. I did an inventory of these issues and realized where I was failing as a dad and parent. So, today, I sat him down and explained what I expect of him, what was acceptable, and what were not, and the consequences of another display of this sort of disrespect. He was quiet; he was sullen.
But, he GOT IT! The rest of the day, he was bending over backwards to be helpful. It sunk in. For me, it was hard to be so harsh, or so I thought, but it was what he needed and what our kids often need from us. They need us to teach them about real life, the real world (and I’m not talking some dumb MTV series), so they won’t get fired from that job when they question an apparently waste-of-time task a boss asks of them.
That is my job. That is your job. We had kids; we have a responsibility to teach them respect. Deal with it.
Column by Bruce Sallan. Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m., PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: The family dinner
I had a discussion with some other dads the other day about “the family dinner.” To my surprise, many of these men described their family eating adventures as just that, an adventure. Or, more specifically: a circus, trial, ordeal, and other pejoratives.
My immediate thought was about the classic image of Norman Rockwell’s painting, “Freedom From Want” with the image of “mom” or “grandma” presenting the turkey at what is likely a Thanksgiving dinner, with the whole family eager, excited, and present. “Dad” or “grandpa” is looking on, with the expectation that he will carve the bird. How quaint; how lovely; how sadly antiquated, I fear.
What was evident in our discussion, as is so often the case, was that each man’s personal background and family experience, informed their own family experience. And, of course, their wife’s background also contributed to the ritual or lack thereof in the family.
I believe that the “family dinner” is an essential, valuable, and powerful ritual for every family unit, whatever it may be. It is even more important in our currently hectic times when each family member can pursue their own interests separately, alone, and with multiple technological tools at their disposal.
One wonders what happened to the whole family sitting around the one television in the home and watching, “The Ed Sullivan Show,” “Leave It To Beaver,” “The Donna Reed Show,” “The Bill Cosby Show,” as well as more contemporary examples. What happened to the shared experience of watching current events as I painfully remember watching Walter Cronkite cry on air when he announced JFK’s death (www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K8Q3cqGs7I) or when the whole family watched in wonder when Neil Armstrong landed and walked on the moon (www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMINSD7MmT4) and said those immortal words, “This is one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.”
Let’s face it; those times are long past, at least in the shared television experience. But, they don’t have to be in the family-time arena nor should they be. Another thing shared by the men in the original discussion that motivated this column was the fact that their own best memories often took place around the family dinner table. I know that was so true for my childhood and I’ve worked very hard to create a similar experience for my sons, during the hard time and now, the happier ones.
Our ritual is Friday Night Shabbat dinner. Shabbat is the day of rest for both Jews and Christians however it is “celebrated” differently in each faith. As a Jew, we observe the Sabbath on Friday nights. I helped create our family Shabbat tradition and it’s been, truly, special and memorable for my boys, myself, my lovely new wife, and equally for friends. The boys are eager to invite their friends over for our Friday night dinners.
Why? Because, it is sadly unique among their contemporaries. Any family dinner seems unique to many of my boy’s friends. Ours is extra special because of not only the good meal, but also the rituals we observe each Friday night. They’re simple, they’re easy, they’re short, but they’re meaningful. This sticks with people and is one of my main reasons I’m advocating the family dinner. My recommendation is to start with a family dinner one night a week that is designated as sacrosanct and special.
What do you do that is different and special? First, I bake fresh challah each week. The smell of the bread baking in the oven fills the house and announces that this day is different from all the others during the week. My wife, who is a talented cook, makes an extra effort and we have a very lovely meal. But, it all starts with the simple lighting of candles and a blessings. It is followed by three other short blessings; one for the wine; one for the challah (bread); and one for the children present, boys and/or girls.
Our special Sallan family tradition goes one step further as we take turns going around the table with each person sharing the best and worst things that happened for them during that week. Only one “worst” is allowed to prevent excessive whining and complaining but there’s no limit on the “bests.” For new friends and guests, this is a wonderful way to share things about them we might not otherwise learn or know. For us, it’s an opportunity to be grateful, share the good news and also the bad news, and basically just get closer.
I look forward to our Friday night dinner with great anticipation each week. We also try to eat together other nights as well, but life and our individual schedules do intrude, yet I would estimate that we sit down to eat as a family at least four times per week. I heartily encourage you to do the same.
Column by Bruce Sallan. Bruce is online at http://brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: Would you trade your life?
Haven’t we all at one time or another said something like, “Boy, I’d sure like to trade my life for his or hers!” Sometimes it’s about someone we know personally but often it’s about a “famous” person who we think we know. My assertion is that when we really think about it, we wouldn’t trade our lives with anyone!
There’s a caveat to this assertion, naturally, which is simply health-related and extreme poverty related. If someone were seriously sick, especially with a debilitating illness, changing lives would be nice. If someone were starving to death in a corrupt nation, yes changing lives would also be a good thing. But, for the average American or citizen of a free country without extreme poverty or corruption, this idea about not switching lives may apply and at least provoke some reflection.
Everyone has troubles, problems, and challenges. Just read the autobiography or biographies of anyone famous and you realize how fame and fortune rarely brings happiness. My favorite music stars are Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley. Both had decidedly different but equally troubling lives.
For “The Chairman of the Board” as Sinatra was often called, there were severe career ups and downs, multiple marriages, and hurtful snubs due to his associations, the most notable being between him and JFK. He had a tempestuous marriage and relationship with Ava Gardner, married a young starlet (Mia Farrow), and ultimately did find love late in his life when he married Barbara. But, to say his life was easy and carefree is to not remember that time before he got the career-saving role in “From Here to Eternity.”
Elvis Presley, “The King” as he was often called, came from extremely humble circumstances but achieved unparalleled success at a very young age. He retained his humility, and his love of family and God, but allowed his career and personal ambitions to be run by his manager, Colonel Tom Parker. His only marriage ended badly due to his infidelities and he descended into an exile of sorts, due to his fame. He was surrounded by his own entourage, maybe the first such group of friends, almost a prisoner in his own home. In the end, no one had the wisdom to help him take care of his health, his weight, and his drug dependence, and he died at age 42 suffocating in his own vomit.
JFK was assassinated in his forties, George Gershwin died in his thirties, Beethoven became deaf, FDR was crippled, and Van Gogh cut off his own ear due to his mental illness. James Dean crashed his Porsche and died at age 24, after only the first of his three movies had been released! Buddy Holly also died in his early twenties, in a plane crash. Beverly Sills’ only daughter was deaf and could never hear her mother sing.
Would you trade your life with ANY of these famous people? How about Lindsay Lohan or Brittney Spears if you’re a young teen girl? For young guys hoping for a singing career, would you have liked to be Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, John Lennon, or Michael Jackson?
So you’re thinking that you don’t relate to these famous people but would just like to have the life of your cousin, who is a successful doctor. Do you really know about his life? Do you know about the pressures he faces with his malpractice insurance and the changing health-care scene? Do you know about the time he spent in re-hap or the addiction his teen son has kept secret from his parents? Would you like to take the insulin shots he needs, but has covered up, to control his diabetes? Do you get the picture?
Our kids invariably will compare their lives to their friends and acquaintances. They want to trade what they think these people may have or more likely just have some of the things, materially, that they do have. My older son tells me that, “every kid that I know is getting a car.” When he said that, he was sincere. When I pressed him about specific friends, whose parents I knew either were not able or interested in presenting their darling 16-year-old with a new BMW, he backed off and talked about “kids he knew of.” That’s the point. Our kids often think things may be better for someone else. More often than not, it isn’t and our job as parents is not to get sucked into their naïve perceptions of others.
I know I wouldn’t trade my life for someone else’s life. I know I’ve had my full share of hardships, but I know my parents had much worse. I know that I’ve also had more than my full share of good fortune. I’ve survived a couple of accidents that could have left me dead or worse. I’ve survived financial ups and downs that still leave me gasping when I think about them. But, I’ve survived and life is good. I won’t trade with anyone. Except…maybe…
Column by Bruce Sallan. Read more from Bruce at www.brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: There are no perfect friends
I remember that one of my mother’s many sayings, when I was growing up, related to friends and went something like, “If you want perfect friends, you won’t have any.” This was often in response to my irritation at what a particular friend had done. Later, more often than not, if my mom asked me if that particular thing my friend had done was resolved, I’d have forgotten what it was altogether.
As with so many things our parents say to us, their advice often goes unheeded but comes back later in life to haunt us because of their truth. We could have saved ourselves much pain and embarrassment had we paid heed originally. My mom is probably laughing, somewhere high above, since her death two years ago, at the “fun” I’m living with thanks to my two teenagers. As she may have said, “What goes around comes around.”
My older teen basically has perfected the art of seemingly paying attention to me while singing in his head his latest favorite song. My younger one has just learned that talking back is the expected thing to do upon entering your teens, now that he’s a firm 13½. He not only talks back but also questions just about everything I ask of him.
If I could speak to her today, I would say, “Mom, I’m sorry for all those times I talked back and all those times I disregarded your wisdom that had come from your considerable life experiences. Is there any way I can turn back the clock and make it all up to you so my kids don’t have to learn the same, hard way that I did?” And to my dad, I’d say, “Dad, why didn’t you tell me more forcibly that Mom was always right? Why did you just have that funny ‘you’ll see’ smile and keep your mouth shut while always saying, ‘yes dear’?”
But enough of the self-recrimination and feeling sorry for myself. It’s just one of those ironies of life that my boys are repeating in so many ways the same mistakes my mother so diligently tried to protect me from, especially in regards to friends.
My mother had so many friends and I just didn’t learn nearly enough from watching her interactions with them. She rarely talked about herself, but instead always seemed more interested in what her friends had to say or complain about. If a friend was in any sort of need, she was there. Her patience with those friends who didn’t reciprocate was monumental in my view, as a child growing up. But, she kept most of her friends for a lifetime.
I didn’t follow her example and sadly, I’ve lost some good friends along the way when I allowed hurt feelings or a long forgotten irritation of some sort to de-rail the friendship. Fortunately, I finally did learn what my mother so wisely explained, that there are no perfect friends. We’re all fallible human beings and to have much in the way of expectations of those we care about is sometimes just setting the stage for disappointment.
Another wise cliché is that we don’t choose our relatives, but we do choose our friends. Therefore, their loyalty is undoubtedly sincere if these friendships have been worked on and maintained over time. Yes, life circumstances may change, but memories and comfort with each other may not. I’ve found that in some cases, the changes in our lives were too much for the friendship to survive while in the case of my best friend since 10th grade, those changes didn’t seem to matter.
For my best friend and me, our lives went in significantly different directions after college in almost every area one can think of. He got married young at 23; I stayed single until I was 39. He had three children before I even married. He chose a conventional career; I chose showbiz. He moved to the suburbs; I stayed in the city. He celebrated his 25th wedding anniversary while I celebrated my 50th birthday with divorce papers. He recently moved out-of-state; I’ve stayed put. The examples abound between us.
But, the connection we made in high school and college was true and deep. We used to think of ourselves as “Frick and Frack.” I was the crazy one; he was the levelheaded one. Those differences worked for us as I encouraged risk-taking in him, while he got me to back away from bungee jumping from that helicopter. It was a good balance.
Nonetheless, my mom’s advice regularly came to me about not expecting perfection from him. He is lousy with returning phones calls, exchanging lengthy e-mails, getting together often as our lives got busier, and other things that disappointed me. My choice, as my mother would’ve said, is to not have him as my friend due to these failed expectations and wishes of mine, or to accept him for who he is, not who I wish he were.
That is the lesson I’m trying to teach my boys regarding their friends. Will they learn from my failures in this regard and have a lifelong “best friend” as I still do or will they lose some great friends along the path of life, as I also did? My guess is that they’ll do both–just as I did–and have to learn most of these lessons themselves in spite of my best efforts to save them the pain of going through this process.
Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: A Jew in church
My wife is Christian; I’m Jewish. Since we were not going to have children together, this wasn’t much of an issue since this was a second marriage for both of us. We did have the Christmas tree problem but resolved that amicably, by at first going to her parent’s house to celebrate Christmas with them. When my wife got sick and we couldn’t make it that year, I relented and we brought the Christmas tree into our home.
Now we’re celebrating both Christmas and Hannukah in our home and, more recently, I’ve even attended her church (Calvary Community Church in Westlake Village, California).
This issue, of religion in the home is a touchy one for most couples getting married, especially as they plan on having and raising children. It’s not a simple question nor is there a simple answer. I believe it’s extremely important for a couple to discuss this, in depth, before they marry or have children if they believe and practice different faiths.
I used to think, as many clergy would recommend, that a mixed-faith couple should just choose one religion to practice in the home and with which to raise their children. I still tend to believe this view but have realized it’s more nuanced and complicated than I at first thought. Originally, this line of reasoning made complete sense in that the children get exposed to one faith, learn one faith, and hopefully appreciate and love that one faith.
Further, the thinking was and is that raising children in dual faiths only confuses them and diminishes the value of both religions. In those homes, many children just end up dropping both faiths and end up leading a secular or more generalist spiritual life without belonging to either religion in which they were raised. It was thought naïve that children would have the wisdom, in their young lives, to actually appreciate both religions and possibly make their own choice later. I still tend to agree with this line of thinking.
My first wife and I agreed to raise our children Jewish. We attended an “Introduction to Judaism” course of 15 three-hour lectures, and also attended the obligatory “extra credit” outside homework, that included visiting various temples, Jewish libraries, stores, and places that offered a Jewish experience (that might have included attending a Bar or Bat Mitzvah or a traditional Jewish wedding, as well as different services of the primary three Jewish denominations).
It was a wonderful refresher course, for me, and my wife did complete it and choose to convert before we married and had children. We raised them in a Jewish household, though I was the parent with the primary responsibility for their religious education. Ultimately, both boys became a Bar Mitzvah after their thirteenth birthdays.
I believe this religious foundation was good and that both boys appreciate and respect their Jewish heritage. I’m glad we did it that way. However, in my second marriage, with children not a question, my wife has chosen to keep and practice her Christian faith. At first, I struggled with how this might impact my boys and me. The Christmas tree was the first hurdle since it is symbolic to me as it so represented something contrary to my faith.
I got over that hurdle and next I attended my wife’s church where, to my surprise, I found myself completely enjoying the magnificent services produced at Calvary Church. I use the word “produced” from the position of a former television producer who appreciates the careful “production values” of their services, from the big screens that project the words to the songs sung, to videos sometimes shown, to check-lists and information on those screens that relate to what the pastor may be preaching.
I don’t believe in Jesus, but we share the same basic belief in the Old Testament and the same values that the Ten Commandments oblige Jews and Christians alike to live. I enjoyed the services so much that I approached the senior Pastor, Shawn Thornton, and the youth ministries Pastor, Drew Sams, and complemented them on a job well done.
My conversation with Pastor Drew Sams led to his becoming my regular guest on the “Teen Rap” segment of my new Radio Show. We’ve begun a friendship that embraces our respective faiths and I’ve actually attended several other Calvary services just for the joy, heart, and wisdom in them. The fact that both Pastor Drew and Pastor Shawn are remarkable speakers who preach such inherently valuable words of wisdom is a bonus, along with the artistry of the revolving bands playing first-rate professional music to begin and end the services.
Who would have thought that this stubborn, set-in-his-ways, guy would be singing along to gospel music, swaying back and forth, and listening attentively to every word a Christian pastor spoke? Not me. As for my boys, they are seeped in Judaism. Their adult path is theirs to choose. I will stay a Jew, but I now can share and enjoy my wife’s faith, more than I ever imagined. And, as we both learned during our courtship, it would have been harder to have opposite political values given the divisive nature of political discourse these days than have our different religions, where we share the same basic values. How ironic. How surprising. How wonderful.
Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: The state of gender affairs
There’s no question that technology changes faster than most of us yuppies and boomers can handle. I don’t know what the current number of years for technology “generations” is, but I do know that if you have children five or more years apartin age, they will each use technology differently. I’ve observed my own two boys, just three years apart, using social media/smart phones each in his own distinct way. My younger son relies almost exclusively on texting, while my older son actually occasionally talks on his cell-phone.
Things may not move quite this fast with our gender “state of affairs” but I assert that we are now experiencing changes in our gender roles much faster than at any other time in human history. While I’m part of the sixties generation where we believed we re-invented everything, from sex to politics, established that anyone over 30 didn’t know anything, changed college life forever, was the first generation to have the pill, and the first to topple a presidency and end a war by withdrawal, we still have our own adjustments to these gender changes.
Title IX did not exist. Anita Hill hadn’t happened and the term “sexual harassment” sounded to us flower children like a come-on line. Women senators, governors, and CEOs were far from commonplace, and the notion of a male secretary or a female firefighter was unheard of. Divorce was still stigmatized, shame existed as a consequence of poor behavior, reality TV meant Walter Cronkite, seeing a movie was only possible in a theatre, and phones had wires and rotary dials.
Today, naturally, things are quite different. The Pew Center released a study on January 19, 2010, called “The New Economics of Marriage: The Rise of Wives,” which revealed how dramatic some of these gender changes have been in the past 40 years. This study mostly discussed marriage and income, changes in who worked and stayed home, gender educational levels reached, and other marital statistics.
For instance, “In 1970, 28% of wives…had husbands who were better educated than they were, outnumbering the 20% whose husbands had less education. By 2007, these patterns had reversed: 19% of wives had husbands with more education, versus 28% whose husbands had less education. In the remaining couples — about half in 1970 and 2007 — spouses have similar education levels.” (From the Pew Center Study).
How can these changes not affect gender relationships?
The study also related changes in marital issues, and concluded that the “reshuffling of marriage patterns from 1970 to 2007″ during which time, “Among U.S.-born 30- to 44-year-olds, women now are the majority both of college graduates and those who have some college education but not a degree. Women’s earnings grew 44% from 1970 to 2007, compared with 6% growth for men.”
Does anyone still question how much different our roles and expectations for each gender are today vs. just a few decades ago?
Another finding from this study relates to what has occurred to men and women during our present economic downturn, which “is reinforcing these gender reversal trends, because it has hurt employment of men more than that of women.”
Have these changes affected marriage? You betcha. The study went on to say that, “These days, Americans are more likely than in the past to cohabit, divorce, marry late or not marry at all. There has been a marked decline in the share of Americans who are currently married. Among U.S.-born 30- to 44-year- olds, 60% were married in 2007, compared with 84% in 1970.”
How have all these changes affected men’s and women’s roles within marriage? Another Pew Research Center survey, in 2008, found “that wives who earn more than their husbands are more likely to have decision-making power, especially over major purchases and household finances. According to the survey, in couples where the husband makes more money, spouses are about equally likely to say that husbands (35%) and wives (36%) make most decisions regarding household finances. However, in couples where the wife makes more, spouses say that only 21% of husbands make most decisions on household finances, compared with 46% of wives.”
What does this all mean for our children, for our boys who are now outnumbered in college entrances for the first time in American history? What will it mean in relationships? How will it affect the work force?
I don’t think there’s a clear answer and only time will tell, but like the well-known story of Exodus, where a generation of Israelites weren’t allowed to enter “the promised land” due to their memories, I suspect that my generation will stubbornly cling to our notions of which sex does what.
In my marriages, both of my wives worked, but I made the larger income and made the major financial decisions. However, during my first marriage when I left my career to be the SAHD (stay-at-home-dad) and when we later got divorced, I became my boys’ sole parent.
Those years were very confusing for me because I was not treated as an equal parent at my son’s schools, when I tried to participate in the parent organizations. I got “lip service” appreciation from the mothers but was mostly ignored. I believe that was because I am in the transition generation where our gender roles are uncomfortably changing, whether for better or worse.
During those years, men almost universally asked me one question, “Have you gotten a job yet?” Women usually asked, “What do you do all day?” Can you imagine one mom asking another mom that question?
Now, in my second marriage, I am still the SAHD, working out of my home, still taking care of the majority of our financial needs, while my second wife continues to work in her career.
You might say that I’m one confused man still wanting to be the “man of the house,” but recognizing the changes that have occurred during my adulthood while not feeling totally comfortable with them. That is what happens in any “revolution” and we are going through a revolution of gender roles and expectations.
The boys in my family will know nothing different, as they are growing up with technology that was only in the mind of Stanley Kubrick (well, Isaac Asimov really, I suppose) and gender roles that my parents couldn’t even imagine. When I was a young boy, I played with my Roy Rogers gun set while wearing my Davey Crocket hat. The girls I knew loved Ann Margret, from “Bye Bye Birdie,” and Annette Funicello, from “The Mickey Mouse Club.”
The Sallan boys and their generation are growing up as these gender changes become more acceptable and maybe even second nature to them. Men and women will have interchangeable roles in many instances. A clear definition of what a man or woman can or should do, may no longer exist. I sincerely hope it’s for the best. Time will tell.
Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: You always get more when you give
I’ve learned repeatedly in my life that whenever I give to the world, whether by direct action or donations, I get back so much more than the effort or money involved. This is a life lesson that our kids should learn as so many of them, here in America, are living the “easy life” with no sense of the hardships most of the world has to bear and that most of mankind has historically suffered.
One of the unexpected benefits of my writing career and now my radio show is the opportunity to meet and interact with people I’d never have otherwise encountered. My “A Dad’s Point-of-View” Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView) has around 2,500 “members” (or “likes” as they call it) from literally all over the world. Over 35 different countries are represented with many from Africa (why? I don’t know).
I actively participate on my Facebook page by welcoming every member with a thank-you note and inviting their participation on the page with, for instance, the suggestion to join one of the many ongoing discussions. On one occasion, I was invited to “chat” with some kids from Ghana. About 20 minutes later, I discovered I was chatting with two girls, seven and ten, who lived at a school in the small city of Agona Swedru. They were poor on a level most of us don’t understand.
Their charm in the chat was instantaneous. Learning that they were so young and so relatively comfortable in English only enhanced my curiosity. But, sadly, it also arose my suspicions as people in Africa via Craigslist have scammed me in the past. I continued the chat looking for an opening to test my cynicism. It came up indirectly when they responded to a question of mine in expressing the wish to have more books, as they had few in their tiny school.
I was hooked. Between their photos, their chatting, the exchanges I had with their father, Frank, who was the founder of this school, and the information on their various Facebook pages, I believed in them. And, I promised that my family would send them some books. The Facebook page for the kids is simply called AfricaZebras if you’d care to find them there
Coincidentally, my family was packing for a move to another house. All of us have struggled to rid ourselves of our collective stashes of stuff. It brings to mind the great George Carlin routine on stuff (http://ow.ly/2jvKn). No doubt we had too much stuff! Since these girls were in their pre-teens (mostly 7-10), many of the books my boys no longer were interested in were already too “old” for them, or too boyish
My younger son, David, and I went to our local library where they have a regular Saturday used book sale and we bought age-appropriate books for the girls, including several classics (Mark Twain), Dr. Suess, and some Disney picture books. Among our books to give away was a really nice old Bible as well
I thought shipping a box to Africa wouldn’t be too costly until I did the research. The cost of shipping any large box was prohibitive but I did discover that we could send a medium-sized “flat-rate” box via the U.S. Postal Service for $56, which was still not cheap, but within our means.
My wife went through her books and found several that were also worthwhile, we felt, to include. I found some hand-crank flashlights, and some small chatzskies (nick-nacks) we thought they might also enjoy. I quickly filled up two boxes and sent them off to Ghana.
Shortly afterward, I asked David if he’d put together a box and see what other things, in addition to books, he might have to give to our new friends. He came to my desk a couple of hours later with an over-flowing box of books, small toys, games, magazines, and assorted felt-tip colored pens. We chose what we both believed were the best of the bunch and carefully arranged them all in the box to fit as much as possible.
While we were doing this, he looked up at me and said something like, “You know, Dad, this is a great thing you’re doing.” I looked at him and quickly replied, “No, it’s a great thing we’re doing.”
A couple of weeks later I heard from our new friends who were overjoyed with the first two boxes that had arrived. They sent a bunch of photos showing them getting the boxes from the post office, carrying them home, and some of the kids reading or playing with the contents. The photos are worth more than the small cost to us of sending the three boxes. You can find them and my first writing about this on my website (http://bit.ly/bzGkox).
The feelings my whole family had upon viewing these photos were indescribable. My wife had just come home and was stressed from a hard day at work when I called her over to take a look. She immediately softened and began planning all the additional things we could send them. I want to get a drive going to raise money for a laptop to send them. Is someone up for leading this effort?
In the meantime, if you have that pile of stuff/books/toys that your kids no longer need, please consider sending them to the Africa Zebras:
Frank Bennin
P.O Box 719
Agona, Swedru
Ghana
And, trust me, the cost to you will be nothing compared to the value to them and the heartfelt good feelings you and your family will receive!
Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show-A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: Why second marriages are so much harder
One might think that second marriages would be easier and succeed more often than first marriages. At least that might be a first instinctual reaction. But, on reflection and upon learning the statistics, it becomes clear why second (and third, fourth, and more) marriages are actually harder.
First, let’s cite the statistics. I don’t have a source, but I know it’s generally understood and accepted that first marriages end somewhere in the 40-50 percent range, while second marriages end about 66 percent of the time, and third and subsequent marriages fail around 75 percent of the time. These are not encouraging statistics. Thankfully, when I was divorced I didn’t know those discouraging numbers.
So, we now know that the odds are against us. Why? My first thought and maybe many other people’s first reaction was that we’d learn from our mistakes and “know better” the second time around. After all, we know what didn’t work, right?
No, the other adage comes to mind that the older we get, the more set in our ways we become. And, yet another cliché is true that the older we get the more baggage we carry with us. I am witnessing the opposite with my teen son and his “first love” girlfriend. While they certainly bicker, the joy of “young love” is palpable (who remembers the original song by Sonny James and the Tab Hunter cover of “Young Love”?) Frankly, it’s a joy to behold and a reminder for this old guy to pay attention to the romance in my own (second) marriage.
During the years between marriages, we do get used to being single again and, if we have children, doing things just our way. There is no doubt that happened to my boys and me. I was guilty of neglecting certain “mom” things such as anything to do with cleanliness, bathing, and general body and room maintenance. Yes, I’m exaggerating in my opinion, but my wife would likely say I’m under-stating the case.
She, on the other hand, had been single for about a decade after her first marriage and had created the ideal single life, with the perfect neat, organized, very adult home, which she thoroughly redesigned and remodeled to her exact specs. Everything in its place; everything just the way it “should” be! Clairvoyance is not required to predict what happened, but I’ll get to that later.
And, of course, age settles us into habits, longer relationships (with friends and family), and more ups and downs. All this experience can’t help but inform who we are as we progress on the journey of life. Also, our emotional guards and walls are stronger having more than likely had more experiences and disappointments than younger, innocent, newlyweds and children. Yes, the rigors of living harden us sometimes.
My wife and I experienced considerable adjustments when she became a member of our family. The Oscar and Felix syndrome was evident immediately. Oscar and Felix, for those that don’t remember, were the magnificent characters in Neil Simon’s “The Odd Couple.” Oscar was a poker-playing, complete slob while Felix was a neatnik, to put it nicely. I’d say he was overly anal-compulsive. Do you wonder which one I resemble?
So, my Oscar and my wife’s Felix clashed mightily over order and chaos in the house–struggling much of the time. My wife, however, had the odds stacked against her, as she was the “odd man out,” so to speak, because the boys and I had become comfortable in our Oscar ways of living. This became our first big issue as a couple. I didn’t want to change, nor did my boys. But, with time, we did because I began to recognize what an important contribution my wife was bringing to us and I was tired of getting berated (just kidding).
She was a blessing for the three boys as I’m counting myself as one of “the boys,” in this respect. But, if not for her strength and character, even this one thing could have broken us apart.
And, in our case, she was a first-time step-mom at a point in her life where that was the last thing she expected to be happening. This created an internal struggle for her that added to our challenges in the early months of our union.
So, is it any wonder, just using my own family as an example, that second and subsequent marriages might be difficult? I don’t think so. I also think too many men and women jump into another relationship or marriage without really considering the consequences to all involved. We’re human beings and we don’t like to be alone, for the majority of us.
Based on my own life, my simple advice is to take the time to really understand all the consequences of a new relationship with all its apparent “blessings.” I don’t want any of us to be adding to those high-risk statistics.
Listen to “The Bruce Sallan Show – A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11 a.m. PST on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara or on the Internet via a live stream. For that link and all information about the show and Bruce, visit his website: http://brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: Being a teenager can be wonder-full
It’s so easy to complain about our teens. I know I’m guilty of too often dishing out criticisms, admonishments, and lectures. I worry that my boys might be doing drugs, drinking, or some other peer-pressure stupidity. But, they also deserve my support when they do well and my understanding when they slip up.
My 16-year-old, Will, recently bounded into my office, eager to talk. Wisely, I pulled away from the hypnotic lure of my computer, and faced him squarely, ready for whatever followed.
Normally, when Will comes to talk to me, I am concerned that he either wants something or is going to confess something that I wish I didn’t have to hear. This time, I listened. And I listened and I listened. I smiled, I nodded, I grunted. But, mostly I listened. He had made a remarkable discovery! What was this remarkable revelation? “Life is complicated and full of wonder and amazing things. Where did life come from? Why do we sleep? How does our brain work? Why are there different languages and how did they evolve?” He literally rambled off these and other subjects, as if he’d just discovered the wheel!
Will didn’t want me to offer any feedback: he just wanted to share with me his marvelous realizations. I just sat there and patiently let him passionately express these extraordinary questions. After maybe 15 minutes, he didn’t need me anymore and jumped up and left to call his girlfriend and share with her what he’d just voiced.
Later, as we were all getting ready for bed, he came into our bedroom, where my wife was lying down reading, and I had just come in to get ready for bed. He leaped on our chaise lounge, fell off to the side, and scrambled up laughing at his clumsiness. He then proclaimed, “I love this family,” and proceeded to elaborate for a couple more minutes.
My wife and I actually wondered if Will had taken some drugs, as he seemed so high. But, he hadn’t, and was apparently just being a teenager–a teen enjoying the “wonder-full-ness” of life.
That is my point. The older we get, the more we forget the wonder of youth, the wonder of being a teenager–discovering new worlds to explore and the new ideas that we feel are just ours. (Okay, let’s hear the Star Trek theme now).
Being a teenager means discovering the world. I think adults too often squash that sense of wonder with the desire to have our kids conform. That was my discovery during the short 18 months that I home-schooled Will, since the lack of conforming public school curriculum and class management allowed Will to learn so much more than he otherwise would have under the structure of public school. It’s why I believe home-schooling is really much better for some kids and, at the time, was the very best thing I could have done for Will.
The job of parents is to introduce our children to the world, to give them exposure to as much as we can, and to allow them to choose their paths. I know that early in my parenting, I had my ideas of what I wanted for my sons that were based on my own particular interests and desires. Fortunately, I got over that selfish instinct and ended up supporting my boys’ own interests and dreams. I know too many parents that are single-minded in pushing their kids in the directions these parents think is best while not taking into consideration their kids interests, skills, and desires.
This is dramatically evident in the sports arena, where kids are sometimes literally forced to participate in a sport in which they have no interest. The reason is simply the parents’ ego and vicarious desire to live through their kids. It is so wrong. We also see this in the over-the-top push that parents often inflict on their kids to excel at school so that they can get into this or that college that the parents deem best for their child.
I wonder if it ever occurred to those parents that their son or daughter might actually be better off with a year off between high school and college? Or, maybe not even going to college! Not every kid should go to college. Couldn’t college wait a year or two while these high school grads explore life on their own? Maybe they can see a bit more of the world rather than just continue in what can be the cocoon of education and parental (financial) support?
I may have wanted my sons to be great skiers, or get into an Ivy League college, but now I want them to fulfill their own passions and find the same joy in what they do that I’ve been blessed to find in my writing and now, my radio show as well. I urge you to do the same!
Read more from Bruce Sallan online at www.brucesallan.com.
Bruce Sallan: A young artist, and a parent’s lesson
Posted by afp on November 18, 2010 · Leave a Comment
Fortunately, I began supporting their passions, their loves, and it provided equal joy for me, less stress for them, and ultimately made for a happier home. My oldest pursued music, specifically rock ‘n’ roll, with a vengeance upon getting a $99 electric guitar as a birthday present.
My youngest demonstrated artistic ability from his crib, when he carved Michelangelo’s “David” in one of the four posts with his nails. Okay, I’ve exaggerated slightly. It was just a detailed Greek column.
Supporting my boy’s respective passions ultimately turned out to bring me the same joys and shared experiences I had “planned” on had my boys become my tennis and ski buddies. That, of course, is the irony of planning. As the saying goes, “We plan, God laughs.” In my case, my planning didn’t pan out, but life panned out even better. Luck? I don’t know or care; I’m just grateful I wasn’t that parent who forced his kids to take lessons they didn’t want to take or pursue a sport they hated.
My older son became a truly talented musician, first on the guitar, later on drums, then bass, vocals, and also a little on piano. He performed in several different settings and attending those shows was as much or more of a kick than watching any sporting event I could’ve imagined. The big day, however, I missed, when he talked his way on stage with his idol, Chris Cornell of Soundgarden and AudioSlave and actually did a duet with him at a charity benefit acoustic concert at the Roxy Theatre in Hollywood.
I was able to procure the video, promoted it, and got to vicariously enjoy that special moment. You can see that performance of Arnie Sallan here on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGOS9STAviQ).
My younger son, the artiste, went to art school and it was not as easy to participate in his passion, though we’d attend his occasional “art show.” However, an interesting idea came to me when I started the new website, BoomerTechTalk.com, with my partners Linda Sherman Gordon and Ray J. Gordon.
As this site was designed to be a source of help for the “technically challenged,” I thought it would be great fun to have a special comic strip devoted to that notion.
My son, Aaron Sallan, had become a big fan of manga, the Japanese comic books that are so ubiquitous in Japan and very popular here, as well. He even visited Japan and several manga studios with his step-mom a year ago and has dreams of being a professional cartoon artist someday. Aaron went to the famous Studio Ghibli museum, which is the museum of the great film director Hayao Miyazaki’s animation masterpieces. At the Kyoto International Manga Museum, a professional manga artist gave Aaron a private art lesson. He came home thoroughly impressed and inspired.
I pitched him the idea of creating a comic strip, for BoomerTechTalk. As teens often do, his first instinct was to roll his eyes and give me “that look.” But, I’ve learned to let it go, knowing he might come back to me later with something like, “Dad, I’ve been thinking about that…”
And that is exactly what happened. Pretty soon, it was his idea. Perfect. He, indeed, came up with the name for the comic strip, taking it from an old column of mine called, “It’s a Tech World After All.” Wow, talk about making his old many feel great!
What followed was an interesting artist/boss struggle and relationship that mirrored many I had in my former showbiz life, only this time I was “the man” giving the notes and Aaron was the “artist” railing against “the system.” If we weren’t family, it would have been very funny.
During this phase, we did have some times when each of us was ready to throw in the towel. But, we worked through it. I enlisted Ray to mediate and communicate these concerns to Aaron. We reached an uneasy truce, détente, and now honorable peace.
Ray also helped with advice on the comic pacing of the strips and a few suggestions on how to illustrate some of the concepts. Ray taught design courses as an Associate Professor at Pratt Institute’s Graduate Programs, so he had a lot of experience communicating design concepts to talented creative students.
BoomerTechTalk.com debuted on October 5, 2010 and “It’s a Tech World After All” was right there, prominently along with many of the other features of the site. I was definitely more excited than Aaron. Until…
Until I had the honor of having Stan Lee, Stan “The Man” Lee of Marvel Comics fame, as my guest on my radio show. I’ve known Stan for decades, from my former life in showbiz. After the show, I asked him, as a favor to me, to check out Aaron’s new comic strip and, if he liked it, to leave him an encouraging comment.
Not only did Stan leave just such a comment, but he also sent Aaron a personal e-mail praising his efforts. It doesn’t get much better than that for a young 14-year-old boy, hoping to some day make it as a manga artist. If you’d care to read Stan’s comment and/or add your own, here’s the link to the first “It’s a Tech World After All,” the one that Stan commented on. Visit BoomerTechTalk.com and look at all of Aaron’s “It’s a Tech World After All” comic strips as well as the other very cool features of the site. And, maybe learn the lesson I learned: support your kid’s passions rather than your own!
Filed under Blogs · Tagged with bruce sallan, stan lee